I think you're handling gaslighting exactly the way it should be. The thing about gaslighting is that once you understand what it is, it loses its power. Your husband WILL respect you all the more for calling him on it. He told you so the other day. As long as you don't slip into disrespectful judgments, there's no reason why he'll consider it in any other fashion, is there? Kudos!

Seems to me you have a good handle on how to handle POJA too. I don’t know if you broach it as just a concept the first time, or whether you wait for an actual event where a mutual decision is preferable. You know yourself and your husband and I’m certain you’ll find the right time and place. Again…Kudos!

Keep up the great work, lady.