Here are some that I saw:

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He said that I have unrealistic expectations for M.


Translation: "Listen, I LIKE living single. Who are you to say I should start pulling my own weight in this marriage?"


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…He then said that I make assumptions by my snooping and that pisses him off. How can he trust me again if I keep on snooping?…

Translation: "I'm really tired of you finding out about my girlfriends. That's really aggravating. Would you PLEASE leave me alone so I can have inappropriate relationships with all the pretty girls I meet?"


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He said that I should just be grateful that he's still home, that he didn't kick me out and that he's at least trying to be my friend.

Translation: Not much to translate; he’s saying it clearly. "Back off, TFC. I'm in charge here and you're just lucky you get anything from me. You don’t get to decide what you want out of this marriage and you’ll take what I think you deserve."


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...he doesn't seem to be even a very good friend right now.

Isn't “being a friend” an old line of his? Wasn't an earlier discussion to the effect that if you wanted friends, you could go down to the IHOP and sit at the counter to chat with the waitress there?


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...said I was sorry. He just said “Ok thanks.”

Translation: "Now that you're back in your place, I can relax for a while.

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H is planning a B-day Bash for himself next month ... and apparently I'm the ONLY person in the city not invited thus far. Oh well ...

If you buy into his idea that you're a second-class citizen, I guess this is okay. Otherwise it's one of the most incredible insults I’ve ever seen a man slap a woman with.


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This is just my take on things, TFC, and I'm not perfect in my analysis by any stretch of the imagination.

I know I wasn’t there. I didn’t hear every word that was spoken, but I’d have to say that argument didn't go well. I think he probably reduced you to tears (or nearly so) and he didn’t apologize for any of it. I think you forgot to look for gaslighting and disrespectful judgments from him. Whether you LB’d him or not, and I didn’t see any big ones in your message, he darn sure LB’d you. You didn’t enforce your boundaries and you let him lead the conversation down the path he wanted to go.

Worst of all, he deflected you from D-day #2. The conversation is now about whether he'll be your friend or not...instead of explaining what he's been doing and when he's going to start working toward a reconciliation.

Okay, that was last night. Today is today. Pick yourself up and get back in the game. I think you can put that modified Plan A and 180 back into action, lady.

Side Note: I think it’s useful every now and then to look at the big picture. Can you provide a synopsis for us, telling us what’s been happening for the past few months, lady? For instance, you’ve been in Plan A for how long? Seems to me like you’ve been there for about six months, though consciously for only about the last two or three, but still for a considerable time now. What are the major points of your Plan A? How has your WH reacted in that time?

TFC, I don’t think anyone out here will suggest you need to stay in this limbo for eternity, so I still believe you need to dust off that Plan B information and update it. You don’t need to make a decision on it today. You probably should not make any decisions today. But remember Dr. Harley himself has said Plan A brings the WS back to the marriage only about 15% of the time. In all other cases, a Plan B is necessary.

TFC, I sincerely believe you can recover this marriage. But…I don’t think you can do it with soft words, meaningful glances, and gentle caresses. I think the conversation last night, and his, “Okay, thanks…” should be an eye-opener about where his head is right now. Respectfully, I think he’ll eat up all the soft words, etc., and it will reinforce his cake-eating. Instead, he reacted more positively when you stood up for yourself. Remember what he said about that a couple weeks ago?

Have you told your best friend about what your WH said last night and the incident this morning?

Hang in there, TFC. You’ll get through this. Last night will just be a fading memory when you get to the other side of this tragedy.