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I am in complete agreement! So do we wait until he gets back in town to discuss all this?

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I think if you can talk with him on the phone about MC and about him getting enthusiastically on board with recovery, then you can discuss some of your conditions for that recovery with him also. There's a chance it might even come across better long distance. Sometimes I think he's better at communication if he doesn't have to be facing you at the moment.

You'll have to make the final determination though. If he's going to be handling explosives over the next few days, for instance, it might be best to not have anything except his job on his mind. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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It is usually best to be able to have a clear head, but no - no explosives! LOL

I've just discussed some of my expectations with him, but not all. He was in agreement. So, the real question is if he'll follow through. THEN ... we'll sign up for MC. But I'm not wasting time or money on it until I have a 100% commitment from him.

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Okay, then. But, TFC, if it's time to draw a line in the sand, then you have to stick with it. It does no good to retreat from a committment to getting rid of the other women and the disrespect. You're ready to make the stand, right?

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Oh yeah - I've taken a SERIOUS stand. Its in or out.

We just talked and he said that we're good together but he's going to need us to go to MC to work through a couple of things. That's what I've been saying all along ... So, I'm glad he's on board! We'll see ... my expectations aren't high, as I've been disappointed too many times.

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Okay, lady. Being cautious is appropriate with his track record. Your determination sounds good. Apparently, your WH reacts better to that than anything else. (Consider how he’s reacting today.) I think your best course is to be gracious, courteous, etc., but firm. Six months of Plan A is long enough and 'tis time to get on with fixing the things that need to be worked on and time for you both to begin healing.

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Orchid - I get it! I think I expressed to him on the phone a bit ago that there need to now be actions to back up what he's spitting out. I think he sees that I'm serious and there's no joking going on here. Like I said - expectations are low at this point.

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LH - Yeah, my H is the rebellious type, but once he realizes that you're serious, he straightens up. I'm staying firm here and refuse to budge on my boundaries from here on out. Hopefully he meant it when he said that he thinks we're good together and can get through all this with a little help.

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Good. Sounds like you have a good handle on this.

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Ha! We'll see ... I'm notorious for giving in to his gorgeous face the second he gets back home. But I'm trying not to this time. I am at my breaking point now, so I have no choice! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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Stay strong, lady.

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I had low expectations, but not THAT low. My H promised he would call or text last night and swore up & down he wouldn He't disappoint. Of course he didn't! When he realized that (which was at that point technically this morning) he sent this text:

Great! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I mucked it up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Is he serious? I just replied with "Well, I'm glad you're so smiley about it". His response was about how much money he made and how great that was. I just said something like, "I'm glad that makes YOU feel better". He said it takes time. I said no, calls/texts are not something that you learn to do since he already knows how and uses it with plenty of other women, I expected him to follow through with his promise at least on this. So I called him (BIG MISTAKE) - he told me he was in the middle of typing a love letter text to send to me and he would send it in about 5 minutes. Then proceeded to inform me that he deserves better than I'm offering! I couldn't believe it! (MISTAKE #2) I should have - he's become mean and verbally abusive when drunk these days.

I just told him that I feel like he should want to talk to me without being asked or cajoled. I told him that I shouldn't always be told that I'm not good enough. He sent a text saying he was going to bed, instead of my love letter. I asked if that was the love letter, and he said "could've been". I told him that saying something kind to your wife isn't a pawn used in a game - it is serious and I am very hurt that he couldn't say one nice thing to me after not following through on his promise to me.

I was up crying from 3:30-5 this morning. I am so fed up - I don't deserve this. I am heartbroken ... there is nothing more I can do.

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not to beat a dead horse here... but you are driving this into a ditch.
grace has left the building in some of your dealings with him.

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While I admit I probably could've handled it better, I remained calm in everything I said to him, no matter how much I wanted to yell and scream! I don't deserve to be abused verbally or emotionally, and I won't graciously accept that behavior. It was he who had no grace.

And he realized it this morning. He doesn't remember any of our conversation last night and admitted he had entirely too much to drink. He is committed to working on that and our M - according to his words. His actions today (as much as one can have long-distance) have proven as such. He asked if he could help find a MC, asked if we could set up an appt asap, and asked if he could go to church with us tomorrow.

He said that he is so ashamed and sorry he couldn't swallow his stubborn pride and tell me he loves me. He said I am too good to him and he doesn't deserve it. He said he is pushing back some work he had to do tomorrow to go with us to church.

So, we shall see what tomorrow brings ...

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I'm sorry I wasn't on line yesterday, MFC. I was out of town.

Don't worry about how you handled things when drunk WH called. I'm not sure there was a right way to handle it. Next time, I'd forgo calling him because it just doesn’t seem to be productive, and I’d hang up when he gets abusive. Preserve your boundaries.

I hope he got home today and went to church with you and your daughter. He’s got a lot of fence mending to do, and to his credit, he seems to have some kind of understanding of that necessity. I’ll be hoping today is a watershed in his behavior.

Hang tough, lady.

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He did go to church and is adamant about MC! So, tonight we are sitting down to discuss our schedules and a few different MCs in our area. His usual MO is to show change for 2-3 days and then go back to old behaviors and habits. So I'm hoping to get us into a session this week! We'll see though.

I shared with my H the 4 rules for recovery on MB. He wasn't so on board - he felt like it was more like faking it until you're brainwashed into doing it all the time. I explained that to me a M consists of doing those things anyway, so we agreed to discuss it later.

So, I don't think we're going to be using the Harleys for MC, which is ok. I just really want to find one that is similar in philosophy.

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Find a good one, TFC...one who is well experienced and pro-marriage. Good work on convincing him to get to this stage.

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We are going to "interview" a few this week to find the best fit. He asked if I was concerned that they would tell us there's no hope. I told him that as long as he & I have the mindset to work things out, then its up to us (not our MC) to make it work. That's why I had said that I wasn't wasting time or money in it if we weren't on the same page. He says we are. He even told me that there was a point when he had wished that we weren't "we" anymore ... but he doesn't feel that way now.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up ...

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A certain amount of wariness is completely justified until he proves himself. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Stay strong, lady.

LH

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Hmmmmmmmm.

Now why is my 25Jun07, 1256, post showing up on the main screen as "26Jun07, at 1138 hrs?" Someone's playing with the server? Strange days indeed!

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