Wow CJ, I don't know how many times you have made the point about wanting to be intermediary. Is there a special reason why you want to be so intimately involved...?
I too have sat and read day by day his denial of the fact that he does not feel ready to do Plan B. I am not sure vehement posts like this will help him.
We all have different timing, I too am sure his time to do plan B is long past due, maybe this is the week he will act. We all have a point of no return, I truly hope he is there, i didn't find Plan B was agony, it was relief, it fitted exactly with the 180, and built my self esteem and self worth - not the logical knowledge, but the emotional kind that is deep in the soul.
Maybe a man would be a better intermediary 9f they have to be from here - another woman seems a bit like provocation to his WW IMO. Maybe I am all wrong here, but it just seems a bit off balance to use a woman from here that WW doesn't know, to be the intermediary for a BS.
Ethics are all in this situation, and the impression ...(WW) has ...will influence how she looks back and sees the light when the time is ripe.
Repectfuly SP
Dear silverpool,
I hope you don't mind, but I did want to reply to your questions and I didn't think that threadjacking Eph's thread was the proper way to do that, so I made you your very own thread!
First, I think you questions are very legitimate and appropriate. I thank you that you are "on guard" for appropriateness between MB members--that's a virtue! In my particular instance, I am a married lady and I do not converse at all with any men unless it is out here in public on a forum that everyone can read -or- unless my DH has a copy and is involved in reading it right along with me. Eph is aware of this, but I can see that I haven't really written that all over MB, so now you'all know.
Second, no, I do not really want to be intimately involved in any MB'ers life or in the life of their WS. I offer the option of being an intermediary when I see people who are saying they have no one else -OR- when they're using it as an excuse to not go into a Plan B that they need to go into. I think a female intermediary may or may not be good for a male BS, but it would definitely be good for a WW. Most importantly though, what I was trying to point out was that "I don't have an intermediary" is not really a valid excuse. On other threads all over the forum, I've seen people volunteer to be an intermediary. On this thread, after my post, Mel volunteered. I would be willing to bet that Mortarman might do it for a while if asked. Finally, I know people who will be intermediaries for a price--in other words they charge money to do it. So in real life there are no shortage of trained, skilled intermediaries! And I did mention several times that I could understand if someone just didn't feel comfortable with me for any number of reasons (including "I don't feel like it")--that there are still a NUMBER of options left!!
The
WHAM of the MB 2x4 I have to admit, I thought and thought and thought about last night. Anyone who knows me at all, knows that I'm a peace-loving kinda gal. But I'll be honest with you, silverpool. I think he needed a fairly swift kick to the heiney. I do not have a quarrel with SH (nor really Eph either)--I tried to be blunt and frank in the hopes that he would lift his head, see reality, gather his courage, and take the jump into doing what is right but what he is afraid to do. In my mind, I envisioned it as a mama bird who sometimes needs to push the baby out of the nest. Some baby birds jump willingly...some take longer but jump on their own...and some need a push.
Next, I do realize that what I said and the way I said it may indeed have felt hurtful. Trust me, I thought on that long and hard. Here was the deciding factor for me. Not all "pain" should be avoided. Sometimes it hurts to grow or mature, and thus Proverbs 27:6 "Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are lavish and deceitful."
Finally, your final comment is RIGHT ON THE MONEY. There are ethics involved, and from what I can tell, what is actually occurring does NOT "lay the cornerstone of being happiest in this marriage"!!! In fact, if anything it confirms to WW that she is happiest AWAY from it!!!
So the damage that I am trying to stop is a) damage to the MB as an individual by continuing the contact and b) damage to the M by continuing to confirm that WS is more happy away from the marriage and family. I don't want to see any MB'er hurt anymore than any one of the other MB friends...but the path being chosen leads toward harming both the individual (because BS continues to "take in" WS blame, WS vileness, and WS-fog babble, etc.) and the eventual destruction of their marriage and family. I believe as an individual the BS could heal nicely when not subjected to the almost daily onslaughts of a wayward's hurtfulness. The peace of Plan B would be a huge blessing. And I also believe that BS would have a better chance at learning how to validate WS feelings, how to actually listen to WS hurts rather than defend, how to avoid verbal sparring, etc.!! That would be a GREAT opportunity then to save the marriage!!!!
Alas, that's not what is being chosen and I am VERY sad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />
Your faithful friend,
CJ
