Pat - I feel really bad for Froz. But I feel equally bad for you. What I see in your posts is absolute terror.

This is just my random thoughts.

It seems to me that you have been going along all these years, doing things a certain way. You being you. Probably been successful. But underneath, something's missing. Not sure what it is, but you try different things to fill the void.

You might mention it to someone, but you don't really talk about it. If you talk about it, it might be discovered that your way, isn't the best way. Which is terrifying. Because if you're way isn't the best way, then you don't deserve any future success. More terrifying still, if your way isn't the best way, you don't deserve the success you had. You're a fraud, a fake.

Nope, best not to go down that path. Keep your head down, move along, and assume that success validates your approach. Besides everyone likes the presentation of who you are.

So, in your search for what is missing, you've exhausted all the obvious and acceptable distractions, so you turn to an A. Its a double dose of what you wanted, not only does it distract from what is missing, its daily validation of you and your way. Sure, you know its "wrong", but it fits with your way of doing things, and doing things your way has never let you down before.

Then D-day. And those who know of the A, now know that the presentation of who you are is exactly that. A presentation. They don't know who you are at all, but they would like to have a few words with them.

And your response to that is? No way. But saying no way, is not your way, so to speak. So the negotiations begin. How do we get the horse back in the barn? How do we get out off this mess, without facing the fear that comes with admitting your way isn't the best way?

And so, your version of recovery begins. Expertly haggling with your BW. You'll give up the A, that should be enough, case closed. Sorry, not enough. I'll post to a support forum, that really ought to be enough. Sorry, not there. I'll go to a MB weekend, really, that should be enough. Nope, not yet.

The haggling continues. What is asked of you, you claim not to possess, you claim to not be able to provide it, you claim it is not worth anything. Using the language of recovery and personailty disorders as smoke and mirrors to distract and confuse. When the big picture is brought up, you talk details. Details brought up, you need the big picture. Feelings being talked, let's look at the facts. Facts mentioned, how about my feelings. What you aren't doing, how about what I've done. Contrite and humble when opening your arguements, defiant when closing. Offend from the victim position. Its a lovely presentation. I'm sure its worked many times before. But like I said, once people know its a presentation, they want to deal with the reality.

I think you're afraid. Afraid to change because you fear that changing invalidates you. Afraid to change because you believe how you are is superior, effective. Changing that is risky. Always feels better to deal with the devil you know. I could tell you why these are irrational fears, but I've long since learned using logic doesn't do much for irrational fears.

Finally, you aren't going to negotiate your way out of it. Cause in the end, you aren't neogtiating with Froz. You're negotiating with yourself, with that something that is missing. And it isn't fooled and the price is the price.

Best of luck.

Me 43 BH
MT 43 WW
Married 20 years, No Kids, 2 Difficult Cats
D-day July, 2005
4.5 False Recoveries
Me - recovered
The M - recovered