Ever since my WW read my journal, she's been watching me on the internet. She knows I post stuff here. But she hasn't been to the site yet. She can believe I'm getting advice from a bunch "idiots" on the internet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> So I'm finally getting a chance to respond.

Ah-ha...I wasn't sure, so I was waiting for clarification! (giggling a little, can't help it!)

I at least got a good chuckle out that myself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

The problem is that she is in no position to make demands, although she THINKS she is....ignore it. Just totally ignore all of her posturing, because it means very little right now. She is in the "too cool for you" stage of recovery and you just need to put her on ignore and keep Plan A-ing. You must create some boundaries for yourself, though, so that she does not lose respect for you. I would learn the reverse babble-VERY important because it throws the blame back on her without making you sound like an a-hole.

This is what amazes me. Her demands. But I can do this. I need to bring back my quick witted self. Without the a-hole part.

You must learn loving detachment during this period or she will succeed in baiting you every chance she gets. She will do this to justify her A to herself and "prove" that you are some sort of jerk. DON'T LET HER GET TO YOU!!! You must be JOE COOL right now. Seriously, sit down and look through some old pics of yourself from "back in the day" when she first fell for you and try to channel that guy.

This is the hard part right now. But I am getting better at it. I guess you can only beat a dog so long.

What is the "life apart" scenario? You need to make a list of things that you want to be sitting next to her for, holding her hand and sharing the experience together, not seperately....kids graduations, weddings, holidays etc. You want to do these things together as a family, not from across the aisle. Remind her that every other holdiay (Christmas) the kids would be with YOU and she would be ALONE, and quickly follow up with "I want us to share these times together, not on a court schedule." Stuff like that.

I did do this. I think that was the other thing she really realized. Plus trying to live alone with 4 kids. I asked her how the OM would react to her showing up with 4 kids and saying "we're here". She just popped off with "why don't you ask him?" I just said "not a bad idea, I've been wanting to talk to him."

Write her letters that tell her how much you miss your talks and walks and intimate times. How beautiful/sexy you think she is. Make sure while your face-to-face encounters are "cool" (NO BEGGING, PLEADING, NO CONSTANT "I LOVE YOU") but then you also leave little notes around to show her that you really do care. And DON'T miss those moments of fog clearing!!!!!!

I was doing this, but that was before I realized we really weren't in recovery at all.

The ONLY reason you would let her have the surgery is STRATEGICAL on your part

I agree with this. I did tell her 6 months ago that if she really just had to have that done, I wouldn't stand in her way anymore. But don't act like your doing it for me.

Logic obviously points out that getting a boob job isn't going to help her major self-esteem issues right now (band-aid on a gaping wound). She WILL have to deal with these issues eventually, your goal right now is to keep her in NC as much as you can.

Logic doesn't work with her. You have to tie feelings to it first. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> But your right about her dealing with it.

If you want to address the issue of "no SF until I have the surgery" I would reverse babble this rather than sound "demanding" or "controlling." Something like "Well dear, I wouldn't be comfortable having sex with YOU until you are tested and are safe for ME. Besides, I think you are sexy just the way you are...what would you like for dinner?" Make SURE you change the subject and then walk away if she blows a gasket

I like this response.

It is futile to try and educate her, but imperative that you maintain your boundaries.

Your not a kiddin'

Mulan had a great post on boundaries, which is now in Peperband's "Notable Posts" thread on the board (one of the last posts, as she just added it a couple days ago).

I'll go read those.

BS (me) : 43yo
WW: 41 yo
married 17+ yrs
D-Day #1 ONS Aug 03
D-Day #2 Dec 5, 2007
Four kids: 14 yo Son, 11 yo Son, 7 yo Daughter, 5 yo son

First Day on MB

Second Thread on MB