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Next, I take it they have contact on the office/base phones? Has she changed her cell number? Her email addresses (I know it won't prohibit her professional email address...but I'm thinking that would be risky for her, wouldn't it?).

Military monitors everyting, I hope she's not stupid enough to do that.
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Ultimatums are Selfish Demands...you can't make her make a decision...up to YOU to know you are committed (and you know you are); up to you to know your own limits...when your love is draining...and speak of it. State your stuff, about affection, non-verbal connection, and may I nag once again to get those crucial 20 hours of UA in as RC asap?

I know, it's just frustrating sometimes not to know things. I do need to up my honesty and communication. I work very hard on my non-verbals, I'm doing well I think. Also, i know I'm in the AF but I'm not sure what UA and RC are?
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Don't focus on her, Dino...do not DJ in your head about her just staying with you...what she never says...those kick your own love bank in the gut and then you're left pointing at her. She's not doing it...you are. That's your half, and you're worth minding your stuff...don't LB on the inside, 'k?

Thanks LA, I do that all the time, LB in my head and i know it's not good. Sometimes I scream and yell obscenities while I'm driving. I shouldn't do it and I'll stop. it builds resentment and I can feel it, fortunately I don't act on it.
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Were you boiling from feeling powerless? That's a signal your best bro took you into her stuff. You can respect yourself more right now than any other time in your life, really. You're standing for your marriage after a crisis. Really, one that isn't over. When is OM's court martial scheduled to be finished? I would think about composing a Plan B letter for after the verdict...which is like a drawn-out conclusion to the A.

I actually talked to my bro gaain after that, he actually apologized for telling me that advice. He said he was looking at it from an offensive point of view and that he was a little short sighted, that's why I love him.

To tell you the truth, I don't know, the only way for me to know is to ask her if she knows, and I don't really want to do that. It shouldn't really matter to me and it doesn't. The only ones affected by his court martial are his wife and kids, and him of course. For all I know it's already over, part of me letting go and trusting her to make the right choice. I've been thinking about my plan B letter for awhile. I guess I used the word "ultimatum" bu that's what I meant. I actually want to read it out loud to her if the time comes to do that. Plan B means nothing while we're here. We have to much to do together to make the move happen since we came here as a couple. I've thought about that too. Mostly, my plan is to tell her that I don't want her moving with me to my new duty station if she hasn't committed to me which includes NC and MC (I know some acronyms). She'll scream about her being able to go where ever she wants, she's already expressed the desire to follow the kids, because she knows I won't let them go with her. She also knows that if she tried to fight for them in court, she lose because of what she chose to do. So I'm glad I'm thinking along the same lines as you. If you have some advice about how to implement a good plan in that arena, I'd be grateful to hear it.
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You desperately want some O&H in your life...so do O&H drive-bys, 'k? That's where you share your stuff in a couple of sentences, interjected with everyday questions or actions. Like, "I've been focused on you and reading your mind lately. My love bank is really drained from me doing that. Did you want this butter to saute the mushrooms?"

I do, I want it so bad. I just wish she'd open a little to me. We talk quite well LA. She actually does alot of the reminiscing of part good things. Brings up instances of good things and funny things in our past, it makes me feel good. I need to work on that. I feel myself getting ready to share some of my feelings at times but then I pull back, I don't know why, like I'm waiting for the right time. I just need to let it flow out huh? Good advice, I'll work on it.
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And no R talk except for 20 minutes a week, at an agreed scheduled time...to check in on both of your thoughts about the marriage, 'k? Make sure you hold yourself to doing it and not going over. Have something fun planned afterwards. And cut way back on the tv and movies, if this has been your usual RC time together. Go new.

I've been trying to save up R talks for every couple of weeks. Things seem to move slow for us so I'm not sure if every week would be a good idea. Of course if something comes up, I'd like to address it but we seem to be on a pretty decent track right now. We'll see. Like I said many times before, I'm not real confindent in her commitment to things right now. She may be testing my resolve or something, waiting to see if I crack and fall back into the LB/DJ master that I used to be. I'd like to approach her with tools that I've learned but I just don't think she's ready to embrace any sort of "mechanical" plan right now. I think she's feeling me out and feeling herself out. I think I may be able to judge the proper time to present those kinds of things, again, we'll see.

Overall we're doing ok. She actually asked me to massage a kink out of her back this morning. Thats the first time she's asked me to "touch" her since I can remember. Gosh it felt so good, i had to fight the feeling of just wrapping my arms around her and just holding her, I started tearing up and had to compose myself, it hurts so bad. She came down to my "room" the other morning because she said she couldn't sleep. Just a couple of things that have happened in the positive over the last couple of weeks. It still amazes me that I count these seemingly innocent actions. These are things that used to happen as a normal course of our days, what a shame.

Anyway, thanks again LA. I know how much time these posts take and you really put thought and sincerity into your posts, i appreciate that.


FWH/BS (me)42, FBS/WW 39, married 18 yrs, WW A discovered 3/03/2008, my A discovered 06/2003