Undivided Attention...Dr. Harley says get 15 hours of it with your spouse per week when there isn't a crisis (healthy maintenance) and 20 hours or more of it when there is crisis...can't be tv, movies, either.
RC...Recreational Companionship...again Dr. Harley lists it as one of the ENs...where we play together...experience each other recreationally...He even made a Recreational Inventory to widen up all those choices we have...and use the UA time to RC.
Thanks... we seem to get plenty of RC. Really do enjoy the time together. UA is another story. We've done a few things alone but both parties have to be willing. She is not. As of now, we don't have a marriage from my POV. I'm hoping that some of the interaction between us is having a positive impact on her but everytime we sit to have a R talk, I am once again hit with reality.
As for knowing how the OM's court martial is going...I'm still confused. Infidelity is in the domain of the military (affects performance) and in the family domain. I don't understand why they wouldn't be informing you, the partner (and OM'sW) about each other's cases. I guess I'm thinking that these two families are downright important...and the military would be informing you directly and OMW directly, because they hid the affair, so why would the military depend on them to be honest with you?
There isn't any regulation saying they have to inform anyone. The results of any legal procedings are posted on a monthly blotter for each base but since he's at a different base, i don't see it. Truthfully, what happens with him has no bearing on me or us. I could really care less. He could disappear and it wouldn't change our situation a bit.
Up to you in your personal recovery to see where you falsely comfort (choose where your thoughts dwell) and where you really heal (in the present, in reality). We have thousands of these in us...predicting, mindreading, estimating and projecting. All to make us feel better right now when we're where we have no control--in the future.
Any sure fire way to handle this? If I knew how to do it, this wouldn't be a problem. I understand the concept, just have a huge problem being consistent. I'm banking that it gets better with time and effort. LA, I can't seem to find the right place for me. I think I'm still in the denial stage, not accepting what is reality. Probably why I'm in such turmoil. Like someone who is told they won't walk again, there's always hope, but reality is there in that wheelchair.
When I acted in the tiniest ways with clarity and awareness, all these ways I was already being loved opened up...I didn't argue them away...I listened to MYSELF and heard the ways I was starving myself, seemingly of love, when really, it was reality.
It's hard to define what my reality is but I'll try. I'm living with a person who used to be my wife. I don't know if she wants to stay married to me because she doesn't know if she wants to stay married to me. I do not know her, I thought I did but I was sorely mistaken. We are still together, she is here. She has no other option right now, neither do I. I want to stay married to her. I feel like crap everyday. I am obssessed with her and our marriage, i can think of nothing else. I'm doing better than I give myself credit for. She tells me I'm the perfect husband/father, still doesn't know if she wants to stay with me. We have no physical relationship, at all. I'm not ready to give up. Much of what you've said is a little over my head LA. Very deep. I do know this, I torture myself but I can't help it. I think I'm getting better and then I fall apart again. I want to kiss her sometimes and I do, then I feel like crap because she doesn't recip. I convey this to her, she says to do what I feel. I try not to expect anything but it all hurts, I've not progressed as much as I thought. She never says she loves me, no matter how I try to accept that as reality, I can't and it hurts like heck. I read into everything, every act, every breath, every step. I recognize it but am powerless it seems, sometimes. I know the power of hatred and I'm afraid of it. Afraid that my strength will wane and hatred will protect me from pain as it has done so many times. Feels good to speak of it, keeps me aware.
We had a talk this weekend. Seems we are in no different a place than we were a month ago. She is uncommitted, says I have no idea what she is going through. Talks of her guilt, anger, she believes I'll never get past what's happened. Doesn't think she'll ever be able to accept what she's become, may never forgive herslef as she has never forgiven me. I ask her to talk to someone, she finally said she may, but doesn't see how it will help her. Says noone can make her heal inside. Keeps saying she needs to be by herself, wants to stay asleep and have no thoughts, period. She just doesn't understand, think things will work out naturally and if we fall back in love, then we do. She knows I won't be able to live like this forever but makes no concession to try. It's as if we're in a waiting game to see who will give up and end it. I tell her I will work at it until she walks away, she tells me she doesn't need that pressure, tell me not to try to do anything, just be myself, act normal. What does act normal mean? Be happy she says, my sadness puts presure on her she says and I'm the one saying sorry. She's much stronger than me and it scares me. She says she can live like this forever, says she's done it for years. Even says she's stay with me just to make sure I didn't fall apart, would stay with me if I asked her to, but wouldn't be the wife I want. Talked about our move, options, kids, school etc. Living arrangements, she still plans on living together until ??? I don't know what the trigger point is. I want to buy a house when I get back but now I can't commit to it. Reality is that we're still moving together as of now, depending on my assignment, her and the kids may go home to Arizona, we'll see. I say we should have a pretty good idea where our relationship is by the time we're leaving here, she gets upset because she says that just being here with her job and all the triggers of this place and that I shouldn't ask her to make a choice while she's still under emotional distress, like some magic wand is supposed to wave over us when we leave here. I explained to her that even if we hugged and kissed and vowed together to save our marriage, it would still take years, nothing magic is going to happen when we leave here. She seemed to take it in but who knows. I share all I've learned here on MB with her, she says she understands but none of it has effect on someone who is uncommitted. Told her i spoke with the kids about my sleeping separately, she was unaffected. I asked her if she has told anyone in her family about what she did, she said no, I asked if it would do us good to come clean to the family, she said they don't need to be stressed about our business. She believes everyone has the right to their own privacy. Very protective of hers, I believe this to be leftover post deployment stress. I really believe she hasn't reintegrated into her home reality yet. She was used to worrying only of herself for almost 8 months, the burdens of home and her A are too much for her, she isn't coping well. Neither am I. My only concern is to make it out of here emotionally intact, with our marriage still in a reparable state. That is now my only goal. This is going to be stressful.
I rambling so much right now. Not quite sure what we even discussed or if anything came of it. I share everything, she shares nothing, I don't know what she's going through and she won't tell me. She can have no doubt about my intentions and my reasoning for them. There is nothing I can do. I can only go day to day, my actions speak for themselves. I have to get a grip on my thoughts, they will be my downfall.
The more aware you are of yourself, what you really do inside (for if you're judging others', you are certainly judging yourself...which hurts, btw...adds to your pain and ups your urge to stop feeling pain NOW! Hey, look...your feelings are coming from you...check 'em out. They're valid and real...and trying again and again like desperate messengers to deliver the information they are.)
You're right about this, at times I just tell myself that I want the hurt to go away, no matter what it takes. How do you control feelings? Hurt, pain, anger? Are these really conscious choices we make? Do I hurt because I choose to? It makes sense but at the same time, why would anyone WANT to hurt? I think I understand but valid feelings are hard to counteract, as humans we feel. Judging others is easy to do but not easy to stop, especially in a situation like this. And yes, judging others does add to my pain, manufactures feelings out of something that is not there, not really. 20 yrs of routine are hard to counteract.
Answering our own doors, sorta. Amazing. Some of those are deliveries from when you were a boy and a teen, even. I think you got some intense tipping to do, Dino.
Please expand on this LA, I'm not quite sure where this leads...