Thank you, Dino, for reading the book and sharing your thoughts here.

Was a scary one for me to recommend. I remember well, though, the acceptance, confirmation and validation I felt reading it...and the parts where what I knew fit into other parts I didn't know, didn't recognize...didn't have words for to explain.

The flashlight analogy works very well for me, too. Has that observer position as other stuff is revealed by the light...so what I see (as you said, good or bad) is important because I can see it. Stuff which has been part of my periphery, affecting my experience.

I think it's totally reasonable to have thoughts to the opposite of your goal...for us to commit to recoverying our marriages, come what may, is extreme constant vulnerability (can seem like it)...and acknowledging you can choose differently is important, I think.

Would you consider it's part of your old self asserting for you to react to your feelings (the old way) again? If it doesn't feel good, make you happy, don't do it? That short-term fix not the long-term payoff? Again, we wouldn't seek instant gratification, protection, ending pain now if it didn't give us different feelings, would we?

Also a signal to share with your WW what you're thinking and feeling. I don't believe you can begin recovery (if she chooses, recommits, etc.) and suddenly switch gears...I believe we practice our O&H now, our acts of respect, predetermine our boundary enforcements and hold ourselves to them, practicing what we want most...and doing our acts of love with awareness...like obtaining and reading the book, talking about it...sharing and being shared with.

Otherwise, Recovery feels like getting hit by a truck.

I'm delighted you don't want to forgive her yet, actually. Working through forgiveness is like you working daily on your grief...it's a whole process, not an event. Forgiving her involves her owning what she did exactly (no longer excluding you by answering all your questions), why she did it (identifying her justifications and how she got into the fog); and why and how she won't do it again.

Then you gotta work on forgiving yourself, too.

Your head is already on straight...always has been. Where you dwell in your thoughts within your head, well, like your predilection for living in the future and the past...you might want to reconsider. When you are fully present, knowing what is happening now is truly now...would these thoughts be signals your fear is losing your love for your wife?

Thing for me about pain...I can take some intense physical pain...I have a healthy threshold...thing is, I can't take it for long...now, we both know we "take it" because we seriously don't have a choice...we survive and endure...I just find that something I handled well for three days at pain level 4, for instance, I flip out and refuse on Day 4 even at pain level 3. Duration matters to me...which is why I encourage posters to see where their thoughts dwell, to not extend or expand their own pain...see where they may be adding...because this isn't a four-day painfest...it's a marathon where we begin to run it already tired in 90-degree heat.

Staying present is essential...just for today, I will...I can...I believe...I perceive...I feel...

See if when you are fully present if you have those thoughts. If they come to mind, even then...or if they are silent. When you stand in the moment, look at your kids, your place, your feet in place, your smile, your sorrow, your life...for that one moment. And breathe.

LA

PS - After the book, you could stand in the moment and add these words, "I am" and "I am complete"...rinse. repeat.