Hey cat

I know this was directed at LA and Snuggle but I thought I'd chime in.
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but she still seems to have some sort of affection for him still, whether Dino should stop walking on eggshells and just start being honest with her. What do you think?
you know cat, I think about that al the time. I hate pretending to be happy happy joy joy all the time and I don't. But there are alot of times I put on the smile when I don't feel it. She does know how bad this whole thing is making me feel, she tells me she does anyway but says she can do nothing for me, doesn't feel it. To tell you the truth, I guess I do walk on eggshells around her. I really don't know.
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It just seems like sometimes people don't get forced to look at themselves in the mirror, so they continue their destructive ways, kwim?
I believe this to be true also. It's exactly why I didn't deal with my actions back when I screwed up, I was like a kid who got away with stealing. If there are no consequences, why should I take responsibility. I think about the same for her. I want her to feel the heat but at the same time, how do I do that but show her support and let her know that she can be forgiven and that she can forgive herself. Of course she paid a very hefty price for her actions, much more than I did. She lost her career, lost her chance at her ulitmate goal of making the highest rank and now has her awesome career tainted by the worst of mistakes. That is one of the biggest things she struggles with. She saved me from soemthing that she ended up paying the ultimate price for. Ironic like nothing you could have imagined, but I don't feel sorry for her. To tell you the truth, I'm glad she got caught and I'm glad she got punished, because I'm too friggen soft to do it myself. She had me as an example and she still screwed up, she deserves everything she got, I hope her boyfriend gets put through the ringer, I hope he does some jail time, I feel for his family, not an ounce for him. If I had known for sure that it was him that I confronted in Italy, I would've beat him until he was close to dead, i truly believe that. He is the worst of cowards, I'd gut him myself if DNA didn't exist, you can't get around that stuff anymore. I'd make him look into my kids eyes before I cut him though. She tells me that she is dealing with a whole host of emotions like guilt and anger. If I add to that then I'm cutting my own throat. Thats where some of this MB stuff is so confusing. It all makes sense, but only you can tailor it to fit your sitch. None of it works on someone who is not committed, almost like a marathon Plan A. I'm still trying to get her to want to stay married, much less do anything other than that. She on the verge of going, so any negative push I give hurts me and our kids too. Of course this isn't all my responsibility, she has to bear some too, but right now she's not here to fight for us, so I have to.
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I think if they weren't in their living situation, they would have gone to Plan B by now.
Another accurate statement, at least it's my opinion. She would've moved out to an apartment, we may be at a better place if she had done that, who knows, it's all speculation. I just know that it's alot harder to do here. LA was right also though, had either of us really wanted to go, we could've done something, we would've found a way.
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So what do you think of him telling her the truth from now on? Making her aware of how miserable he is. I say this, because I really REALLY get the feeling that, since he's not overtly hurting all the time, she has told herself it's ok if she leaves him, because, after all, he's doing fine!
Another MB perplexer. I thought if I looked and felt and acted like I was happy and good to go, she would come running back. I get compliments from her all the time, "your body is getting better everyday, you are so sexy, women all want you, you can get anyone you want" but nothing from her. I think cat is right by saying that she feels better about what she did because it looks like I'm doing just fine.
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So what do you think of him telling her the truth from now on? Making her aware of how miserable he is. I say this, because I really REALLY get the feeling that, since he's not overtly hurting all the time, she has told herself it's ok if she leaves him, because, after all, he's doing fine!
Don't get me wrong cat, i'm not all that good at hiding my feelings. She says she hears me crying all the time and says it doesn't help her deal with things so again I'm a source of pain. I'm still not convinced she is going to leave me, not yet anyway. She's got the perfect out right now. All she has to do is make it until Nov and her and the kids get to go to arizona with no pressure from me. I know it's better for the kids to be back home with family. I would never be selfish enough to move the kids with me for only a year only to retire and move to arizona myself. That would be stupid on my part to move them both in the last 2 years in highschool, especially moving my daughter in the middle of her senior year! No matter how you look at it, I'd be the a$$. I even admit if I did that, it would be strictly for spite and not for the good of the kids. She knows this, so she just needs to last until we leave. Then she can get her time alone, without me, still have the kids and not feel pressure from me anymore, for awhile at least. Who knows, it may work out for our better marriage, I don't believe it but I'm open for anything. Look how much good our last separation did.

Bottom line, she says she just doesn't feel like loving me the way a wife should, just doesn't feel it and doesn't see that it will ever come back. Wishes that things were different but they aren't and she doesn't want to, or isn't willing to do what CAN be done to renew or regain those feelings. Just doesn't want to. There are no external forces working on her, no OM to sway her thinking, no fantasy she's chasing. Just doesn't want to be my WIFE anymore, or doesn't feel the feelings she should to remain my wife. These are all her words, not mine. Everytime I hear them, I ask her why she's still here and I get the same answer. "I can't go anywhere right now. Wait till we get to the states. I have all this stuff I'm dealing with Dino, why are you pressuring me to make a choice, I'm not in a healthy state right now, if I had to choose, i would leave you AT THIS MOMENT. That's her thing, "at this moment", that what she keeps saying to me. "i don't think it would be smart for me to make a rash decision while I'm in this state of mind. I need to peal back some layers, find out what I really want, who I am. I've lost myself. Maybe after some time, i'll get the desire back to work on us". That's what I hear from every talk we have, verbatum. I heard it in March, I'm hearing it in July. Here's the next step, "maybe after we go to hawaii, and we get some time to clear our heads and focus on family instead of whats here" or then it's, "I have to get out of England before I can be healthy at all, this place reminds me too much of all the bad stuff that has happened". Or "if the kids and I go to arizona, the time we have apart will do us good, maybe we'll be able to miss each other and start something good". I already miss her, I don't need friggen time apart, I need my dang wife back. Whoa, slipped a little there.

just some thoughts, it was supposed to be a quick one, sorry...


FWH/BS (me)42, FBS/WW 39, married 18 yrs, WW A discovered 3/03/2008, my A discovered 06/2003