So much to take in. Did you really repeat back all this type of stuff to your DH? I just can't think that fast on my feet when we're having these talks. It's good for me just to stay away from the AO, DJ and LBs. I pride myself on that in itself. I'm nowhere near being able to think that fast in the middle of a talk. It all makes so much sense when I can stop and think about things and prepare a response but on the fly? I want to write all these things you say down on a letter and give it to her but I don't think it carries the weight of spoken words does it? She doesn't like my notes anyway, I think they make her feel reality too much. I think I'm going to write her anyway.

I have so much work to do to respond to your posts, I have so much to say but it is late right now, please forgive my tardiness. I would like to address a couple of things though.
I hear you saying she is unwilling to practice...what did she say when you asked for her to do communication exercises with you each week? How about those 15 hours of UA? Your plan remains...your goal is yours...when we don't make ourselves take the steps, we fail our plan...our plan doesn't fail us.
The plan is mine alone, there is no "we". One cannot Tango alone without a partner. 15 hrs of undivided attention, hmmm, we get 15 hrs together, more actually, doing everyday things trying to feel as normal as we can, I'm happy with that. UA and working on our marriage? I like to think that time together no matter what, is a plus for us. I think there is a misconception that me and WW have made a recovery agreement that just isn't working, that is not the case. There is no agreement to work on anything, the only thing that has been agreed upon is that we are here, for now, and that SOMETHING will happen SOMETIME. It's like being in a room full of fuel vapors, just the smallest spark can cause a huge explosion. But if we stay real still for awhile, small cracks will dissiate the fumes and it will be safe to move around and cause sparks, because nothing is going to explode. Thats me in a nutshell, I'm trying to be around when the fumes go away. Thats my master plan, to still have a marriage that I can maybe try to help salvage and resurrect into a marriage that can maybe be saved if there is one left to save. Do you follow me? I have nothing except the positive things I take from the now, as you put it. I have much to be happy for when i look at today. As long as I stare at the ground and look no further than my feet, I can find happy things. Any further out than that is where things get a little fuzzy.

I understand most of what you're telling me LA. It's just that much of it just doesn't matter to her. She isn't trying to save anything, she tells me that straight up. She is just here, waiting to start her new retired life away from here and maybe a spark may return. She says she feels dead, numb is the word she uses. NUMB, doesn't care about anything but herself and being alone and away from any stress, pressure thinking, period, her words not mine. I don't take those things in, I see and live it everyday, some days are good some suck. Some days she's really nice, even loving, how do I take that? How do I not get excited and set myself up for utter devastation and pain, again. If I act indifferent, she has no reason to continue the behavior. "Why act loving if it doesn't make him happy?" "if he's just going to be unhappy, why waste energy pretending to be loving, he acts the same when I'm not loving so whats the use. But if I get excited and respond to her loving, I get smacked in the soul by reality. She doesn't want me touching her, she doesn't even like me telling her I love her, she says it hurts, awww.

Should I write her a letter saying all these things? Will it have the same effect? I don't know. I'd really like to say these things to her but saying them outloud after the fact, when she has already forgotten what she's said is useless really. But if she read them and I presented them in a respectful and non-threatening tone, maybe she could take some in and reflect. I don't know, just wonder what you think. I alwyas thought letters were a good way to communicate without the pressure of response but she really got upset the last couple of times, not sure why, like I said, maybe reading it and seeing it in her face didn't make her feel good.

Thanks again LA, I need some time to process, I'll respond very soon.

FWH/BS (me)42, FBS/WW 39, married 18 yrs, WW A discovered 3/03/2008, my A discovered 06/2003