I don't ever want to tell my COM of my H's A and the OC that has come from it. I know this stance is unrealistic because I know it will have to be dealt with I just hope I can protect my COM from it until they are of an age in which they deal with the news in a mature manner and have the ability to deal with their emotions maturely.

I know kids can be resilient but this is devastating news for any child that adores their father to no end and I fear that once told they will hate their father and or hate me for not being honest with them earlier and think less of me for staying for their sake. I do not want to impact their world in such way that they become rebellious and the last thing I need is to raise two raise rebellious boys that act out and think that is okay to repeat the same mistakes that their father has. Children have enough to deal with in regards to their own development and I feel they do not need something like this to add to it.

Currently my H and I have decided to work on our marriage for our kids sake but there cannot be any contact with OW or OC until I approve it if I ever do . OC is not to be integrated into our family ( immediate or extended)at any time . I do not care if she is 30 yrs old. H struggles with this but has agreed to it in the best interest of our family especially since the OW intentionally got pregnant(she told me this herself). We both know that it is more than likely that the OW or the OC will try to make contact with H because the OC will eventually ask who is her father and where did she come from? How do you handle this? Especially since the OW states that she is treating this as if she is a donor child that came from a donor family. We already know that she does not have it all upstairs to even bring a child into this world under these circumstances and the feelings of rejection the OC will be subjected to. I hope she realizes that and does all she can to deter her and the OC from contacting because she will be turned away.

To give you and example of how strongly I feel about this I told my husband that if he died ...I would take care of all the arrangements privately and tell family and others about it after he has been cremated or buried just to avoid having a funeral and having OC show up and having to explain this to extended family and my children. I also told him if our boys ever got married and OC wanted to or if they wanted there I would not participate. OW & OC have infringed on my life enough I do not need or want it to happen again.

I also know that when COM are told they will be told by their father and it will be the absolute truth. I will not let him try to soften the blow. They will know how affected everyone involved. The same will go for OC if she shows up on my doorstep one day. So if OW does not want OC to know what her existence means to me and my family she needs to keep her away.

Furthermore...I struggle with my decison also not disclose because I am not a liar and I do not hide the truth from the people I love and this make me feel like such a hipacrit (sp?) and goes against my belief that you treat other they you want to be treated and in trying to instill good moral values about honesty with my children if I cannot be totally honest with them. I should be able to lead by example and this does not allow me to do that.

So I ask how do you handle this? What can I expect? When is a good time to disclose? Would be nice to hear from or about other COM that have dealt with this devastating situation.

WH-(to old to know better)
COM- 2 DS (toddlers)
DDay- 4/28/08