I have a question, mostly to the ladies, about how conflicts can be resolved with the conflict isn't present right now.

For example, if a couple is separated, many of the conflicts are removed, but they have been removed from the situations that caused conflicts. If the couple often had conflicts about laundry, cleaning, dinner, or any number of domestic issues that couples deal with, how can you provide some security that those issues can be resolved when you can't provide an example?

An H can do what he can from afar, but how can the W now that things are going to be different when they are back together without an example? One thing I've considered, and I guess I do on a subconscious level, is to not do the laundry, or clean at my own place, especially if the W is likely to be by to show that it doesn't matter so much to me.

And to be completely fair, it's not so much that these conflicts were the problem, so much as DJs that went along with it.

Hi dkd. From your question it seems there were disagreements about housework, that you were not happy with the level of DS your S was providing.

IMO a major problem with ENs is when one S expects the other to take full responsibility to meet the need. While each spouse has different priorities as far as needs go, I feel its important to remember that most people still feel a desire to have all of the needs met, even if its just on a small scale. I'll give you an example.

One of my H's top ENs is AS. While its not exactly what I want to do everyday, I try to exercise for at least 30 minutes and do my best to dress nice, fix my hair, light make-up, etc. But I would likely slip out of this pretty fast if he laid around the house in sweats all day. I would adopt the attitude of this is your need, not mine. Why are you asking me to do something you're not willing to do yourself?

Another example is my need for FS. Although my H is the breadwinner and I stay at home with the kids, I try to do everything I can to make that role easier for him. I handle the bills, the budget, try to buy groceries when they are on sale, anything for it to make him easier to meet my need for FS.

As far as DS goes, I do not like to do it but understand it is one of my H's needs and my responsibility as a SAHM so I do it. But a bitterness develops in me if my H takes no initiative to help me with it occasionally.

I would not take the approach you're describing. If I was your W and walked in and saw that I would think "wow, if I'm not around to do it it just won't get done". I think it would be better to keep your place clean and show her you are capable of doing it and helping in the future (if this is actually true). Just my opinion...

ETA: I'm also wondering what DJs went along with it. Maybe that would help with finding the right approach for this...

Seems like having discussions about it would be the best answer. As in, 'what is your opinion about who does the laundry and why'? kind of things. Reach a consensus that you are both ok with, a logical consensus.

dkd:
Your question is a bit unclear and I truly believe that we need to take ownership off our ENs and responsibility for our LBs (DJs)as a first step. I would encourage you to rewrite your post and state it from your point of view than from a distant third person.

It seems as though you have had DJs toward HER for NOT being neat in the home and that you feel that if you show her your
"slobby" side that this will encourage her to take you back. It won't work because you will not tolerate it AGAIN if you live together.

Emotional integrity is vital in marriage. If she was the one who was not meeting your DS, then she needs to see that you still have that need. What is wrong with that? Nothing. It is your need and she can try to meet it; honesty, she can.