Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 15 1 2 7 8 9 10 11 14 15
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Ditto to what Miss M said. Amazin... you really are amazin.

Keep your head up and stay up there on that high road.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,423
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,423
ITA with Miss M also.

I think you know their game, Amazin. Their plan is to work together and simply wear you out. They are waiting for you to give in.

Don't let them do it to you.

Take each day as it comes. There WILL be an end.

You are a strong, intelligent, caring man.

Hold strong and steady. You are doing the right thing. Your children will see that one day.

I don't really know what to say about the divorce filing - offer sympathies or congratulations?

It was HARD, HARD, HARD to get through, but such a relief when it was over. I am much better off now than continuing with WxH as he was.

Either way, KNOW that you have not failed. There are some things that we just have no say over.

Chin up, my friend.

Fox

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
When I think of your D who stays with your mom, I think of the daughter of the president on this season's 24. Do you watch it? She seems nice, but there's this undercurrent of...not nice? Hard to explain.

Anyway, I think if you double up your effort to make sure she always sees the high road from you, that it may eventually rub off on her. She may reach a point where she consciously makes a choice to be like you, and not like her mom.

Keep up the good work.

Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
A
Amazin Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
Thanks PM.

Thanks WH.

I'm tired of the legal crap and it hasn't even gotten started.

I feel like I'm fighting 3 people at once and it sucks.

WW is asking for the world... Alimony, Spousal support, division of marital assets, and wants me to pay her legal fees ....

What a bunch of bull hockey.

Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
A
Amazin Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
I don't watch 24. If I watch T.V. it's usually the History Channel or the Discovery Channel.

I'm trying with my DD-15. But at times I feel like the best effort I can manage... is to do nothing that would make things worse. KWIM?

I'm sure at times my silence is mis-construed as "He doesn't care"


Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
I think this has been mentioned before, but IIWY, I'd be writing D15 a letter each and every day. Or at least every week. And mailing them. She may not want them now, but I GUARANTEE just the fact that you are reaching out that way will have a profound effect on her.

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,423
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,423
The judge will see through and recognize it as bull hockey, too. Be calm and reasonable and lay out your reasons why it should be done your way. She can ASK for anything, that doesn't mean she will get it.

Make sure your attorney has your back.

They WANT you to feel like you are fighting 3 people at once. They are attempting to break you down - neither WW nor exW is strong enough to take you on alone. WW filed now because she thinks you will be distracted and she will not have to fight as hard.

Prove her wrong. Gain STRENGTH from her tactics. Let her THINK you are weakening and then knock her on her butt in court.

You CAN do this, Amazin.

Quote
I'm trying with my DD-15. But at times I feel like the best effort I can manage... is to do nothing that would make things worse. KWIM?

I'm sure at times my silence is mis-construed as "He doesn't care"

Yup, I know what you mean about just not doing anything to make it worse. It's okay to lay low sometimes. They will mis-construe anything - you don't have power over that. Do what you can and when you need to rest, take a rest.

It will give her time to think. Your DD15 is too smart for her own good sometimes, just like my DD14 - but they have pretty quick little brains. They aren't dumb and will eventually see what is REALLY going on.

Have faith.

Fox


Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
A
Amazin Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
Quote
I'd be writing D15 a letter each and every day. Or at least every week. And mailing them.


Catperson, I think it has been mentioned. I'll have to ask my lawyer about mailing her. I'm not supposed to initiate any communication. But she can and then I can respond.


Wildhorses,
Thanks, I know what you mean. I'm waiting to see what my lawyer has to say about everything. I faxed the divorce complaint to him this morning but he hasn't gotten back to me yet.


Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,499
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,499
(((((((Amazin))))))))

Oh boy.....

sorry to hear about the latest development...And while you may be down, you are DEFINATELY not out....(hmmmm, massage anyone????)

YOu are doing a great job all around (how are things with your other daughter and son, btw???)....with all that you have been handed and dealt with, this may actually a good thing for you, so you no longer have to be in limbo.....

How are YOU doing???

and

what are you doing for YOU????

You know the drill, keep you head up and chest out.....

and know that you have a whole community of people here that know you have done your best.....

not2fun

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Originally Posted by Amazin
Quote
I'd be writing D15 a letter each and every day. Or at least every week. And mailing them.


Catperson, I think it has been mentioned. I'll have to ask my lawyer about mailing her. I'm not supposed to initiate any communication. But she can and then I can respond.
Well, I've heard of people who aren't allowed to communicate with someone (like lovers whose parents keep them apart, dads whose exes keep them from their kids, etc.), and they still write the letters, they just hold on to them themselves until the day they're allowed to pass them along. It would give your D15 a good insight into YOU, your thoughts and feelings, your love for her, all that jazz.

No matter when she gets them, it will mean a world of difference.

Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
A
Amazin Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
CP,

That's a good idea. And I think I may have heard it here before.

They had something simular at my Church called "Letters from Dad".

Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
A
Amazin Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
Good Morning,

I haven't posted for a while so I thought I'd give an update.

Hmmm where do I start? How about the week before easter.

I went to court for the harrasment/simple assuault charges. It was reduced to disorderly conduct. (The equivalent of a traffic ticket) I would have prefered that it get thrown out. But... This isn't bad either. It's done and over with, I won't have to keep spending money on a lawyer for this and I don't have a mistemenor on my record. One legal battle down two more to go.

Easter Sunday after church I went out to eat with a couple. While I was there my phone began to ring. It was Jabba. I decidied I'm not going to answer that.... it'll ruin my lunch. Well she kept calling and calling. Finally she stared sending me text messages.

"Please Call"

"You have permission to come over"

"DD-15 wants to see you"

Finally DD-15 called. She said she wanted to come over and spend the night. She said the her and Jabba got in a fight that morning and Jabba told her she had two choices to go back and live with Dad or mom would drop her off at the mental hospital. (Like she could just drive up a dump her there???)To make a long story short.... I don't think DD-15 is ready to come home yet. She needs to be begging to come home, and willing to follow the rules. Otherwise it's going to be just like it was in December. Nothing will have changed.

Well I went a picked DD up and let her spend the night Sunday. On Monday I picked her up and took her out for a ride and some ice cream.

I didn't think about this until after.... The week before Easter was spring break. DD-15 didn't have school and Jabba didn't have to work. They got to spend a lot of one-on-one alone time together. Probably the most they've had since this started. It was just a matter of time before the fur started flying. Jabba is getting a taste of the smart mouthed rebellious teenager that I was dealing with. And DD-15 is finding out that life with mom isn't all peaches and cream. The two of them are so alike that I'm surprized it took this long.

Later that week Jabba took DD-15 to the doctor for a cough. She didn't have the money for the prescription so I went and got it for her along with some pharmisuedicals. When I went to drop it off I called for them to come out and get it. Jabba asked me to bring it up and said "You need to come up here and talk to your daughter". I went up and Jabba said that DD-15 just got out of the shower with wet hair and was about to come out-side to get the prescription when Jabba said "No your hair is wet, and you're sick. You don't need to go outside." I guess DD-15 didn't like that answer and got real smart mouthed with mom. Jabba wanted me to have a talk with her and be the "Disciplinarian".

So....I knocked on DD-15's bedroom door... when she answered I said "here's your medicine.... I love you (Gave her a hug)... Gotta go....And I started to leave.

Jabba wasn't happy.... As I was walking out she said "gee let me get my note pad out and take some parenting notes...."

LOL... Sorry Jabba.... being a parent is hard.... You can't call me to be the "bad guy" everytime YOU need to discipline.

Hmmm.... What else...

On Thursday I went to the dentist... After I got back to the office my cell phone began to ring. It was DD-15 calling from school. she wanted to know if she could come over after school. I told her I didn't mind but I'd have to talk to her mother. I asked if her and Jabba were getting along. She said no... That they were having fights all the time. I told her she couldn't keep running from her problems and that there are consequeces for her choices. I told her I'd talk to her mom and let her know about comming over.

After I hung up I noticed that Jabba had called a couple of times while I was at the dentist. When I called her she said that DD-15 had skipped school and got caught by the police. She got dropped off at school and that Jabba may have to pay a truency fine. I told her that DD-15 called and wanted to come over after shcool. I also told her that I didn't think it was a good idea. That going from mom to dad when she's in trouble isn't helping anything as a matter of fact it will make things worse. DD-15 needs to face the music and not try and run away from it by comming over to dads.

After I got off of the phone with Jabba DD-15 called again. I told her what her mom said about skipping school, the police and the fine. I told her that I would love for her to come over. But running to dad everytime you're in trouble with mom isn't going to work. There are consequences for your choices and I'm not going to protect you from those consequences. You neeed to deal with them.

Friday... I get a text message from Jabba that says DD-15 skipped school again. A little later I get a phone call from DD-15 from a neighbors phone. She wanted to come over and spend the night. I asked her if she was at school. Of course she said no. I asked why? She said she missed the bus. (Sure you did) I told her she needed to call her mom and tell her she missed the bus and that she needed a ride to school. DD-15 got real quiet and I could tell that DD-15 didn't want to deal with her mom. She said that the court order said she could come over any time and she wanted to come over. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea for her to come over right now. That she was just running away from having to deal with her mom. (I could tell that she was starting to cry.)

I had a long talk with her. I told her that she needed to deal with her mom. I told her not to escalate things if her mother was yelling or getting ugly. That only makes things worse. She told me a lot of other things as well. Like she's only been to one counseling session... and that was with a social worker at the Salvation Army. DD-15 said she wanted to start going to counseling with me. I told her I would find a counselor so we could start going together. (Big change in attitude since last November.) She also told me a buch of other stuff about her mom, how she was acting and what she was saying... That her mom keeps threatening to send her to live with me... That mom keeps telling her "I gave up my life and my job for you and to do this..." etc etc etc....

I took it all that with a grain of salt. DD-15's past actions lead me to believe it's exaggerated or false. She wants everyone to feel sorry for her so she doesn't have to deal with her choices. (Just like her mom)

A while back DD-15 told me... "It's you dad... You're the one with problems." I think she is slowly comming to the conclusion that "It's her". She's had problems with my WW, with me and now with mom... It can't be all of us... Hopefully she's starting to take a hard look at herself.

Jabba is finally seeing what I was dealing with... She needs to reap the fruit of the seeds she's sown. And just maybe... She'll realize that DD-15 has been manipulating her and this whole situation...



Wow... What a long post! I'll have to start posting more frequently.

Anyway, That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Thanks for the update.

Have I ever recommended the website www.daughters.org? I think you would get a whole lot of good from it. I did.

Treating her the way you did was spot on. Total honestly, showing the logic of what's happening, discussing consequences, asking her to think things through and to see what happens when she does one thing or another.

Good news on the counseling! I guarantee your D15 will benefit, if you find a good one.

Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
A
Amazin Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
Thanks CP.

I'll check out the web site.


Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
A
Amazin Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
Originally Posted by catperson
Thanks for the update.

Have I ever recommended the website www.daughters.org? I think you would get a whole lot of good from it. I did.

I looked at that website and I don't think that's the right address.

I think this is it... http://www.daughters.com/

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Hi you

Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
A
Amazin Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
Originally Posted by Pepperband
Hi you

Back atcha! laugh

How's things?

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Good!

Today is a wonderful day.

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,423
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,423
Quote
So....I knocked on DD-15's bedroom door... when she answered I said "here's your medicine.... I love you (Gave her a hug)... Gotta go....And I started to leave.

Jabba wasn't happy.... As I was walking out she said "gee let me get my note pad out and take some parenting notes...."

LOL... Sorry Jabba.... being a parent is hard.... You can't call me to be the "bad guy" everytime YOU need to discipline.

rotflmao That's just too darn funny!

You knew the fights between them would start - DD15 probably has a different view of her mother now. It's too bad her mother is like that, but good that she is able to see what her mom is really like instead of having a fantasy and want to escape to mom when things dont' go her way at your house.

How are things now?

Any other updates?

Fox

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,423
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,423
How have things been with you, Amazin? Haven't heard from you in awhile (well, other than the "What's Wrong With Women" thread and I wasn't going THERE!)

Anything to share or vent about?

Fox

Page 9 of 15 1 2 7 8 9 10 11 14 15

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5