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Yeah some stuff missing on my thread, but anyway...cant sleep cuz I keep havin dreams of WH and OW (I have never even seen her but I guess I have a picture in my mind, I know she has dark hair, I am a blond)..

You know everyday I just feel like i am trying to convince myself that I am doin okay and everything will get better. Do any of you feel like you will just never be okay again. I just spend my time pretending to be okay. I mean I have my DS so I have to live in this house with all the good and bad memories (dont want to uproot DS). I live in fear of seeing WH with OW. Or seeing someone I havent seen in a while saying "hows WH" not knowing what happened...

I just feel that I will never trust anyone again...or cant even think about being with anyone, because I just dont want to have to start all over. Yet I am just feelin so lonely and I miss havin that feelin that someone had my back, someone cared about what happened to me...and now he could care less if I die or not.

And I just feel that my future is just gonna be more pain, I mean whats gonna happen next, divorce, he gets remarried or moves in with her...There just seems to be no end in sight for this, Ya know...everytime I think I am moving forward, I have dreams of him, or I accidentally see him driving by and I just go back almost to square one... IDK I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself....Guess I just needed to get it out

I just feel like my WH hates me so much that he would move out of the house away from his own son and risk losing everything just to get the he&& away from me...Its just a sickening emotionally debilitating feeling and I am sick of feeling it...

Oh well guess I am just rambling cuz I am so tired and should be sleeping right now...Gonna go try to sleep now and just hope that I have no more dreams...


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Just got my DS' christmas list...there is of course a nice list of toys...but then at the end he said what he really wants is a magic piece of coal to give to his father so that he forgets who OW is and moves back home...he said if he can only get the coal and no toys that that is okay...he will give up all his toys for his father to come home... crybaby

And the worst part is he kept tellin me not to worry because he really thought that WH was coming home for christmas...now I know why he kept thinkin it...I dont know what to say to him I dont want him to get his hopes up....See what happens when you tell your kids Santa is magic(DS wanted to know how Santa got everywhere to give toys to all the kids in the world), lies come back to bite me on the a$$... UGHHHH, I am so stupid! doh2

Last edited by stillhere8126; 11/17/09 12:21 PM.

BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Originally Posted by stillhere8126
Just got my DS' christmas list...there is of course a nice list of toys...but then at the end he said what he really wants is a magic piece of coal to give to his father so that he forgets who OW is and moves back home...he said if he can only get the coal and no toys that that is okay...he will give up all his toys for his father to come home... crybaby

And the worst part is he kept tellin me not to worry because he really thought that WH was coming home for christmas...now I know why he kept thinkin it...I dont know what to say to him I dont want him to get his hopes up....See what happens when you tell your kids Santa is magic(DS wanted to know how Santa got everywhere to give toys to all the kids in the world), lies come back to bite me on the a$$... UGHHHH, I am so stupid! doh2

Umm..I wish I could say something all-knowing and wise, here, Still. cry Just wanted to give you a {{hug}}


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Give your son's list to your H and let him deal with it.

I don't have time now but you have not done your son a disservice by telling him about Santa Claus. I am in my 60's and still believe in Santa Claus because the spirit is within all of us, which is how the "old fella" gets around so well. wink

Take care of yourself. You still sound very depressed and you really need to continually monitor it and address it.

God Bless,

JL

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((((((Still)))))))

Man, that breaks my heart. This is so hard on our little ones. And they do not deserve this.


BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Thanks for the hugs guys, i needed them...and I am passing them on to DS...

I think I will give the list to my WH...I know its not gonna do any good though, but at least like you said. JL, it puts it on him and not so much on me....

It just kills me though...I hate this...Christmas is my favorite time of year and My DS is 8 and its still a great age for him for Christmas, ya know?

....and DS is so sweet, I mean of course he loves toys, but he is a very family oriented kid, he loves his family together at the holidays, he loves to have family parties. His dad not living at home just hurts him....and WH has been buying him toys like crazy since he left (and he never believed in toys, he had very few as a child himself) and he doesnt realize, his boy just wants his dad home more than all the toys in the world.....

I know this because DS tells me constantly, I ask him if he talks to his dad about it and he says not as much anymore.....I guess talking to WH didnt make any difference before why would it now....

Anyway, thanks ...no one understands like you guys.....I just know that this little boy is so excited cuz he really thinks his dad is comin home and I just want to punch WH in the face to knock some sense into him....


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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And believe it or not those MB hugs help more than anyone could know....


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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hug Well, here's another.... hug

That is so sad for your DS. I just don't understand how these waywards can do this to their children.

I know how your mother's heart breaks for him, I've watched my sweet DD16 go through much of the same for the past 3+ years.

YOU are the best gift you can give him - THAT is within your control. Love him, hug him, hold him, talk with him, be there with him......

I can't tell you how much I beat myself up and tried to compensate for WxH. Eventually coming to the reality that I was only inflicting MORE pain on myself and never being able to really accomplish what I was trying to do. I could not BE him, therefore, I could not ACT for him. KWIM?

IMHO, I think you should give your WH his son's list. If he's anything like my WxH, he'll act like I influenced DD's reaction to him. In some far away place in their minds and hearts, though, I think it connects.

Take care,
Fox

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Yeah, thanks fox....and you are right, I know that my WH will blame me for this somehow....I actually cannot wait to see how he blames me this time....Yeah, OUR influence but they really never think our kids are influenced by THEIR having an affair and leaving, UGHHH!!...They are all pretty much alike, huh?


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Still,

Do you know the best gift you could give your son? You could give him a smiling, happy, and optimistic...Mom. You didn't do anything wrong with regard to your H's affair. But, you do need to look to the future because that is where this little boy needs to be looking. He needs someone in his life that smiles, enjoys him, and can teach him how to handle the tough things in life.

Give him the gift of you, and quit worrying about your H and his actions. He can try to blame you, but you simply look him in the eye, and say "I accept none of the blame for your bad decisons and behavior." And then walk away.

Take control of your life and enjoy it especially in this coming season. I obviously cannot tell you what is in your future, but I can tell you it will likely be better if you face it with optimism.

Please think about this and hang in there. Enjoy that young man, he sounds like a real keeper.

God Bless,

JL

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Originally Posted by stillhere8126
They are all pretty much alike, huh?

Well, not all, no...Some do get it, repent and do everything in their power to make amends, but yes, you are right that active waywards are all alike - selfish and uncaring...it's so incredibly sick and cruel...

I'm so sorry to hear that you and your son are suffering, Still...I don't know what it is about you, but I tell Mr. W all the time how much I like you and wish I could fix everything for you...Something about you in particular just tugs at my heartstrings - in a good way...smile Could be because I have suffered in the past from depression and your posts regarding your depression are so very poignant to me...You know I've found the only thing that ever helped me with depression was action - MelodyLane must have told me a million times that "feelings follow actions" before it finally sunk in...I would tell her how bad I felt and how I stayed in my pajamas all day long and she remained constant in telling me that if I was waiting for some magic feeling to come and overtake me that I would be waiting forever...I would tell her I needed to take "babysteps" and she would tell me "NO, the only way is to throw yourself back into life"...Turns out, she was right...Easier said than done - I KNOW! But I have found that investing in life IS the magic feeling...I know that you want a different life than what is currently before you, and unfortunately we don't always get to pick the exact circumstances, but what I do know is that life waits for no one and that whether you live yours or not, the world will continue to turn and your life will continue it's journey...What is it my dad used to say? Oh yeah, "Life is about 10% how you take it and 90% what you make it"...My father had Bipolar Disorder, and suffered from some extreme depression, so he wasn't just using a cute catch phrase without really understanding the depth of it's meaning...

Still, what does a typical day look like for you now? Let's go about seeing how you can get your actions to change your feelings...I would be glad to help you in any way that I can...((((((Still))))))

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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You know me too well, guys.....I am switching my dep meds right now, so that isnt helping me...but I know I need to do more for myself.

Right now my Dr does tell me I need to focus more on me and that will help DS in the long run...I am just having a hard time right now...The holiday season usually makes me very happy and this year I am trying very hard to stay upbeat for DS esp...but this Christmas list thing just through me for a loop, It hurt me bad...Just knowing that no matter what I do DS still wants his dad home and I knowing that it is not gonna happen...

That little boy is my life right now, without him I just would not be here...and I know that is not good...I volunteer at his school a lot and I play with him when he is home, I hang out with my MIL and help her out with stuff ...The other day it was my day to spend with DS and he said he wanted to be with his dad, he missed him, so of course I said he could call his father and have him come and pick him up....

But after he left I just cried and cried...It just hurts me that now I have to lose precious time with DS because my WH doesnt want to be with me anymore...I know logically its ridiculous, but it just hurts....So my Dr tells me of course that I need to do more stuff for me...

The baby step thing makes so much sense...with the baby steps its just so easy to go back a baby step instead of forward and I seem to be doin that a lot lately..tellin my friends I dont feel like goin out a nite or two then it turns into months that I have not been with my friends.....I cant believe that you guys can tell this stuff from my posts before...It just makes me realize how depressed I really am right now....

I truly just feel right now the day I tried to take my life, I truly Died...and the only person that is left is mom, that is the only reason I stayed here, for DS...so everything I do is for him, ya know???? I want him to have the best life possible and when I see WH screwing it up it makes me sad....

Oh well I kindof rambled, sorry....Thank you guys so much for your kind words...I am just hopin that these meds kick in soon....


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Originally Posted by stillhere8126
I cant believe that you guys can tell this stuff from my posts before...It just makes me realize how depressed I really am right now....

Ah Still, it's only really obvious to those of us that have been there - my empathy meter goes off the charts many times when I read your posts - I don't always say something, but I do pray for you - and talk about you with Mr. W [if your ears ever burn, now you'll know why! grin]...There is something familiar in your posts to me - even though I am not a BS - I still get you regarding depression - the weight gain thing - I get that big time - last year I did something about that though, and I can't tell you what a world of difference that made for me - then I also organized and cleaned our house like it's never been done before - I began reaching out to other ladies at dd's school too - I go A LOT more places now - All these positive actions have changed my feelings in ways I can't begin to describe - See, Mel was RIGHT, feelings absolutely do follow actions...I almost said something regarding the "feelings follow actions" deal on the thread for BSs that didn't recover their marriages, but I sure didn't want to step on any toes there - my intent would have been nothing but good, but still, kwim? I just noticed that those that undertook positive actions had their feelings follow those actions...I'd love to see that kind of healing power take hold of all BSs everywhere...Feelings following actions is universal, whether WS, BS or neither - I've watched this happen in my life now so often...In the affair even - when a wayward focuses all their actions on the OP their feelings naturally follow, yes? Then in our recovery, I watched in awe as my feelings for Mr. W returned as my actions were focused on him...Same deal with weight loss and then cleaning/organizing...I've lived it - that IS the "silver bullet"...If we could bottle it and sell it we'd be rich...the hard part is taking the first steps, but once you do, the rest follows very easily...

I wish we lived near each other...I'd be there to hold your hand...We are in Michigan - you aren't in Michigan are ya?

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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No, I live in Mass...

Thank you so much Mrs. W for taking interest in me though...your advice does make a lot of sense...Kindof like God helps those who help themselves...You are right, Iknow the weight thing would help a lot if I took control of it...it just seems like food is my only friend right now ya know?

I just gotta figure some way to get myself out of this rut.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Posts: 6,316
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Originally Posted by stillhere8126
No, I live in Mass...

Thank you so much Mrs. W for taking interest in me though...your advice does make a lot of sense...Kindof like God helps those who help themselves...You are right, Iknow the weight thing would help a lot if I took control of it...it just seems like food is my only friend right now ya know?

I just gotta figure some way to get myself out of this rut.

Well bummer - Mass, huh? I've always wanted to visit Boston...I have a cousin who lived there for a few years - in Winchester...

You know what's interesting? All the stuff about feelings following actions is really in the Bible - so yeah, it is kinda like the God helps those who help themselves thing I guess - We need only follow His advice - to serve - to invest in life - it is doing that that feeds the spirit, rather than the flesh - a real struggle for us mere mortals...The flesh craves things that are bad for the spirit...Pretty simple formula to get out of it really, NOT easy, just simple...smile

Yes, I know what you mean about food...I sooooooooo know unfortunately! frown I do know that I'm much happier since getting a grip on that though...Yet another thing that is simple, but sooooooooooo not easy...a matter of making up your mind and shifting your thinking...ARGH!

Still, you feel free to email me anytime...I can hold your hand from a distance...I have had wonderful friends from here do that for me, and I would gladly pay it forward...I'm here...

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Mrs W you are so kind, thank you...I just may take you up on that Email offer...


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Okay, I was just needing some opinions on this....My WH and I have worked out a schedule for seeing DS that we have been using since he moved out April 2008

....I am kind of lax about it in that if my DS wants to see WH on one of my days i of course let him...If DS wants to call his father, I say you dont need permission from me just call him, its his father...If WH has a day off and asks if he can pick of DS from school on my day with DS I let him, because I know DS would like it, not for WH's sake...

Anyway today is my day with DS...now WH has been callin all day (I am sure to talk to DS) and I have the ringer off so DS cannot hear it...now if DS wanted to talk to WH all he has to do is call him so I am not stopping DS from talkin to his father, I just figure DS and I are together and to inturrupt(sic) my time with DS to let WH talk to him just seems unfair to my time with DS...Do ya get what I am sayin? If WH wanted to talk to DS so bad he shouldnt have left, IMHO.

Now my question is...is this petty of me, or wrong of me?...I kinda feel guilty for WH sake because I know he misses DS...I am just not sure if I am being unfair to DS or not? And I in no way want to damage what relationship is left betw WH and DS, what are your opinions?


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Okay back to DS, he was playin with the neighbor for a little while but now its dinner time...very important mommy time. And I am still keepin the ringer off for now...


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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He chose to leave. Today is YOUR time with Ds. Enjoy it.

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Thanks for responding Cat, that is the way I felt too, so you sayin it too makes me feel good about my decision...


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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