Originally Posted By: Zelmo
Yeah, many guys regret it , as well. I just do not think you are privy to their thoughts, just like you do not feel I am privy to women's.


Interesting you say this, considering this all started because the women on here were telling you what women think/do and you tell us we were wrong....or that the actions of women you witness belies what we are telling you..... wink

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Why on earth would the fact that women's cheating is on the rise make anyone react more strongly to an individual woman's cheating? I just don't see the logic in that.


Because historically when one here's of women cheating the immediate thought is "whore/loose/easy", whereas when men cheat its been a high-five response (society wise...)

HOWEVER....I thought of this a lot last night, and now I want to recant......I'm gonna go into a little personal history, so bear with me.....

When I was 13, I found out my mom was having an affair. I stumbled upon her and OM making out in the car. Now, mom had taken us all over town with OM for months. He was very nice to us, showed us a good time and bought things for us. Now, when I stumbled upon this scene, I instictively knew this was wrong....but rationalized that since Dad was always working, him and I weren't especially close (and mom and I were) that I could UNDERSTAND why she would do this. In fact, when she discussed us moving out of the house (parents seperating), I was okay with this.....(the affair eventually ended and we never moved out....mom DENIED the affair to me and sis when sis called her out on it, and even went so far as to tell me that I didn't see what I saw, that I misunderstood it.....)....

Now flashforward 9 yrs or so, and mom is having nervous breakdowns....In and out of mental hospitals and the such. Anywho, mom and dad go through this "confessional" session and mom's affairs become known (yep I said affairs....turns out she had 3, the one sis and I were exposed to was #3). It also comes out that Dad had an affair. His was early on in the marriage. A ONS when mom was in the hospital for attempting suicide.

Anyway, dad and I were discussing this stuff then and I had and REALLY hard time dealing with dads ONS. To me, just going out to "get some" was WAY WAY worse than Mom's, after all, she was in a relationship and loved the man..... crazy (talk about messed up thinking....). Anyway, I told my dad this. I was more upset for YEARS for his A then mom's.

Of course, now having been through the mess of H's A and learning all I have about them, the nature of them and experiencing first hand the devastation of them.....my thinking has changed.

BTW, while I'm on the subject of mom, I have to say you would have a FIELD day with her. Every time you ever start on the whole BPD/BP/PD stuff, I always think "Z you would have fun with my mom...."..... grin

Of course by what you written about that stuff, I have decided that I am a Narcisstic BPD who suffers from bouts of depression/anxiety/panic attacks intermitant with insomnia and of course the occasional delusional attack of PMS....... stickout

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But, there are a number of other sites where folks feel emotional neglect, or some form of alleged withdrawal by the man mitigates things.


Well, I don't visit these other sites. Don't have the time. Heck, kids and H don't always care for the time I spend on MB...
Most of my stuff comes from what I have read and EXPERIENCED....much like you


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Quaere(gotta check the spelling) is a word that many of my law school profs used. It means "ask yourself".


Thanks...from the mouth of my DD15...."dumbitdown".....

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But, not2, what do youthink of this scenario. A woman describes years of withdrawal and lack of emotional intimacy in justifying her affair and comes on here looking for advice after cheating.
Another poster, a guy, says that his wife gained weight after having kids. For years he has nagged her to lose some weight around the hips. She does not, much as the withdrawn husband ignores his wife's plea to communicate.He tries to promote this as justification
I'd bet the guy gets harsher treatment, despite Harley categorizing both as having ENs that are neglected. The guy looks like much more of a disgusting jerk(which he is) than the woman does(which she is also).


Nope....I just don't think so...not around here anyway. And now, having been educated in the MB ways and Dr. H's teachings, I would not react any harsher.

Listen, you above senario WAS my marriage. You probably don't know much of my story, but that was it in a NUTSHELL. I had gained weight through out the years. I was 45 lbs over-weight when H started his A. MANY MANY people (men and women) berated my H for thinking this way. Sad, I know. I was of the "you-should-love-me-for-who-I-am" camp.....didn't take his complaints seriously. Now, this was not the ONLY issue H had at the time, I honestly believe that the problems most have in their M are nailed down to one issue.......BUT now since, I have truly learned that Physical Appearance is a VALID need, I work hard to meet that need. Believe me, a wise VET on here, Mimi, worked hard with me on this issue....... grin

Hopefully, you've gotten your hands on some of Dr. H's books. I would tell you start with "Surviving An Affair", not because you need it, but to understand what we are saying. For me (and I had been married for 14 yrs. when H started his A), I thought I knew how to make a relationship work. But when I read SAA, it was like a lightbulb moment, and the clouds parted, and the sun began to shine....just kidding...

Anyway, it all really just made sense to me.....


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But, you have to admit, many folks seem to view it as nothingmore than a pleasurable bodily function, like eating or taking a good dump. Just watch TV.


I'm am too much of a LADY to comment on this..... lashes

And with that, I am out....Have a great Holiday....

not2fun