I believe you, Hold.

Except for hating how much you hate yourself.

I'm guessing you love hating yourself and believe that you're only hurting yourself with your self-hatred.

Do you think hating/punishment is a motivation tool gone awry?

I don't think your habit of hate is a mental illness. I think it's a habit of perspective, as you said, that you've had your whole life.

And the accompanying depression seems reasonable, as well.

I think you nailed it, too, that your hate comes from fear (which you hate, too).

And I have this undying belief in me that you, too, will change in the future, the fruits of your hate are fully visible to you, around you...when you see your children with the same habit of hate for themselves...which shocked me to see it so plainly during crisis in my sons. And they have it, too, Hold. Breaks my heart I passed that on...even though I stopped five years ago.

Seeing just how much my self-hate harmed those I deeply loved (under all my hard-crusted resentment)...and realizing I wanted them to NOT self-hate, to love themselves, even as I loved them...was what did it for me. It hasn't for you, yet.

I believe it will. Now, having shared that with you, I can better grasped how much God needs us to love ourselves, even as he loves us...to do otherwise breaks our relationship, impedes and does harm to it, with him.

Takes a lot of energy to punish yourself, your marriage, your wife...especially when being a nerd is no crime...no transgression. Of course, I prefer being a Geek, myself.

And I look forward to when you change your choice to hate habitually...when you know forgiveness for the unforgivable...

Until then, you know you're loved, anyway.