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Dear Scotland... I feel for you. How hard this is; I don't have children with WW, so for me it's easier. And if it's easier for me, I can't imagine how painful this must be for you.

I am concerned about one thing, though. If you're in Plan B, why are you reading his emails? I know you said your IM was gone this weekend, but isn't that his problem, not yours?

Not that WW has made any attempt to contact me, but my Plan B letter to her specifically stated how and when she could contact me. Until then, if she were to email, text or call me, I would simply delete any message unread/unheard. That's a tough call, but I have to remain resolute.

As your post indicates, his breaking contact has put you into a tailspin. Who is suffering more right now, him or you?

Please consider what NO CONTACT means.

And that's as gentle a 2x4 as I can muster...


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Please don't read ANY MORE messages. You can have you IM read them when they get back.

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I know this is probably asking the world from you but can you put my name on some of the presents? Please?

Don't reply to him.
Put "Daddy" on the gifts without comment.
It's the right thing to do at this time. For the Boys.
If plan B lasts into the New Year, he can buy his own presents.

He's not liking Plan B the cesspool puke lovenest very much. His mood will be ugly. He will not be "there" for OW ... his heart has been left behind, at home, with you and the boys.

Hang in there. WH's about to go nutzo!

First anger and "Now I'm really going to leave you" type threats.
Followed by attempts to inspire guilt.

WH has read the letter several times.
You know how stupid waynerds are ... the fog is too thick for actual recognition of truth until it smacks them upside the head. WH's been SMACKED good twoxfour



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Originally Posted by catperson
Please don't read ANY MORE messages. You can have you IM read them when they get back.

DITTO

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I honestly didn't think it would matter much because he has always said that Christmas is too commercial.

H is correct. Parts of Christmas are way too commercial. Those commercial parts are all he has left.
The really important parts of Christmas .... family time.
twoxfour

Sometimes you have to lose something to discover how important it is .



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In case he follows you around and ambushes you....

Emergency pocket responses:

"It's all in the letter."
"The way back home is all in the letter."
"The requirements are in the letter."
"Have you met my requirements?"

... if he persists .... there is always a hand gesture (NO , not THAT one naughty ) ..

Hold your hand out like it is saying "Halt" ... and simply say "No!" ... walking away as fast as you can. If he follows you say "NO" as loudly as you can.





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OK ... some Plan B stuff.

As soon as school reopens, go to the principal and also to the boys' teachers.

Tell them a version of this:

"My H and I are having serious marriage difficulties. We have separated.
No one but myself and my H are authorized to pick up the boys from school. Not any unknown female.
Please keep a close an eye on the boys. If they are having any difficulties please let me know right away."



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((((Scotland)))),

I would consider opening a seperate email account for your boys for communication with WH. That way you don't have to see it and yet the line of communucation is still open....

Hang in there...oh, and either block your WH's email account or change yours.....don't read his messages, just delete them....

and whatever you do....DO NOT BUY INTO HIS BULLCHIT about you using those kids...


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He will test the boundaries. Waywards don't 'get' that their actions (the affair) has consequences (pain all around for everyone).

As Surviving An Affair says on page 88 (on the Plan B checklist):

- If there is acccidental contact between the wayward spouse and betrayed spouse, the betrayed spouse should avoid angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands.


If he shows up any place you are, be firm but loving as you ask him to respect your boundaries. The boundaries are to protect you from additional suffering from his actions.

Hug those boys and know that we all understand the parental angst of dealing with their fragile spirits. The waywards never, ever 'got' that the kids were going to be affected by their selfish acts.

Hugs.







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and whatever you do....DO NOT BUY INTO HIS BULLCHIT about you using those kids...


Absolutely.

He abandoned his boys. Doesn't matter that you asked him to leave. He had a choice. He could have said, NO, let's work on things for the boy's sake.

Instead, he chose to abandon them. And at Christmas no less.

There is no reason he can't take the kids to a McDonalds for hot chocolate and to play on the climbing stuff. He could take them to the mall to sit on Santa's lap. He could rent a hotelroom and take them there to play games w/.

Or....he could end this selfish A, and try to repair his M....his family.

Don't fall for any of his woe is me bull crap.

Like you told him, "This is the reality of the situation."

And it is hitting him HARD!!!!!!




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The epitome of selfishness ... WS infidels want their BS to continue to suffer as a gesture of how much the BS loves/needs/wants the WS. In the foggy WS logic, BS suffering is OK if the results are the WS can have what they want.

The only way this is possible is if the BS loses self respect and surrenders to their own weakness of character.

Our girl Scotland is NOT that girl.
Unfortunately, her Dad is weak.

My hope is that her Dad gets stronger after observing how strong and brave his daughter has become!







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Originally Posted by Pepperband
My hope is that her Dad gets stronger after observing how strong and brave his daughter has become!

I SOOOOO agree with this Pep......

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Originally Posted by Pepperband
The epitome of selfishness ... WS infidels want their BS to continue to suffer as a gesture of how much the BS loves/needs/wants the WS. In the foggy WS logic, BS suffering is OK if the results are the WS can have what they want.

The only way this is possible is if the BS loses self respect and surrenders to their own weakness of character.

Our girl Scotland is NOT that girl.
Unfortunately, her Dad is weak.

My hope is that her Dad gets stronger after observing how strong and brave his daughter has become!

Excellent post!


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Originally Posted by not2fun
Originally Posted by Pepperband
My hope is that her Dad gets stronger after observing how strong and brave his daughter has become!

I SOOOOO agree with this Pep......
Can I have an "Amen" . . . ?


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Originally Posted by Scotland
Hello DS9 and DS6,


I am really sorry I am not there right now. I love you so much and I really miss you guys.

Do not think that Daddy not being home is either of your faults. Neither one of you did anything wrong.

I am going to try to call you everyday. I want to hear about school. I want to hear about you guys playing games. I want to hear about everything.

I will have you guys over here for a sleepover after Christmas is over. We can build a fort if you want. Sleep inside it.

I am also going to write you an email every day. DS9 I want you to read it to DS6. When DS6 can read better he can read it to you.

If you want to email Daddy back I am sure if you ask Mommy she will show you. I would love to read an email from you guys.

I LOVE YOU DS9 AND DS6!!!!!


Scotty,

I want to warn you....whatever WH promises those kids, PLEASE take it with a grain of salt.....

Meaning, don't put too much hope into this, and prepare yourself for when he breaks those promises....AND HE WILL!!!!

Right now, he is bargaining....with himself. He is telling himself (and in his foggy, pea-soup mushy little brain he BELIEVES this.....poor sap) that he will BE A GOOD FATHER. That this is BEST for everyone involved including the kids. And right now he is telling himself he will do great things for them, with them and life will be GREAT. And he will tell the kids this, because, sigh, he truly thinks this is true.....

BUT, when the time comes, when he has those kids, "life" will get in the way. "SHE" will get in the way.

And when this happens, your kids will be hurt/sad/angry....and unfortunately you will get the brunt end of this....You should console them, cry with them, and remind them that they need to tell WH all that they are feeling.

My WH did all of this. He promised the kids they would spend more time together. That on the weekends he had them they would have fun, they could swim in the pool at the condo they had rented, they could talk every day, and anytime they called him, he would answer and be there.....He also tried to "convince" OW of this....(I cannot even begin to tell you the silly emails I got a hold of, how him moving out brought him and the kids closer, blah blah blah...its sad and almost comical to think of them NOW, but at the time....ohhhh, lets just say, he was lucky he wasn't anywhere near me when I read those...)

Anyway, he BROKE each and every one of those promises. They never went swimming in the pool, most of the kids calls went unanswered (especially when he was with OW....couldn't have calls from the children breaking up that fantasy...), on the weekends he had them, they were largely ignored while he was on the computer and phone with OW....

Anyway, the is much more I could mention, but I wanted to prepare you for this.....so you can prepare, as much as possible anyway, for this to happen.

WH is very much in the thick of fog and fantasy of the affair......unfortunately, its you and kids that get the brunt of it......

Now, go do something fun with those beautiful boys of yours.....if you got any of this snow (I didn't get enough.... grumble) go sledding, build a snow family, build a fire and snuggle up to a good book or family movie, pop some popcorn, or make smore's in the fireplace.....do something fun and happy for ALL of you.....

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Originally Posted by Scotland
I would like to come see the boys tomorrow.

I would like to be able to see them in their home. I dont mind if you are there....upstairs.....take the truck and go somewhere...I dont mind at all.

Scotland, does he have a way to get into your home? If so, I would block it ASAP. A WS will try to get into the house in order to assuage his homesickness. He is trying to get a family FIX by getting in the house, but it is a huge mistake to allow him in. Plan B should mimic what his life is going to like as a divorced person so he should have no access to the house.

Do you have a plan in case he tries to come in your house tomorrow? You did tell him he can't come in, right?

BTW, you are doing a GREAT JOB!! I am so proud of the way you have stood up for your marriage, S! hurray


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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1. Block his email addy immediately, if you haven't already done this.

2. Give no sign whatsoever that you received any of them, including the one to the boys. (Putting his name on the gifts as Pep suggested doesn't count - that's something you would likely have done anyway, just to be kind.)

3. Set up their own email account for the boys. Let them email their dad and tell him they have it.

4. If he continues to abuse the terms of Plan B through the boys' email account, close it down and let the IM's spam-filter their emails, too.

5. Talk to your boys again (and again as needed), and let them know that while they shouldn't carry messages to you from either WH or OW, but they are ALWAYS welcome to talk to you about their feelings, and things that bother them about the situation.

Well, Plan B is off and rolling!


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



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Scotty,

One last thing.....

How are YOU holding up???....

The beauty of Plan B is taking care of you. You have removed yourself from the abuse of WH and the sickness of what is going on, and now you can TRULY concentrate on YOU.

If you haven't done so, I suggest making an appt. with your Dr. asap. Get a check up. You could probably use one anyway. Make sure your body is functioning the way it needs to and keep it at the optimum of health. Let your Dr. know what you are going through, so that way if you need anything he will be up to speed. This is key to taking care of YOU. The bodily tolls of affairs on the BS can be devastating (I lost my gall-bladder..... grin).

Also, I suggest an IC. You may need one for the boys as well. This will a key mental growth period for them. How they learn to deal with negative emotions, anger, and pain will carry them through their lives. If they learn positive ways, they will thank you forever.....

I also suggest journaling. This helped me loads even in Plan A.

Make a list of things you have always wanted to do. DREAM BIG...It can include something as big as a trip to Paris or even the blah stuff as finally getting that basement organized (I transferring a little here....). Whatever you choose. Then start working on that list.....whatever it may be....

I also wanted to suggest looking into a kick-boxing class. This is a WONDERFUL way to workout those anger issue's. And it works up those endorphines, muscles, and bones all of which is nothing but BENEFITAL to you......

And lastly, remember, you have done such a wonderful job in holding everything together during this trying time. And when you look in the mirror, be nothing but PROUD!!!!!

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Hey everyone. I just came back form a Christmas Party with my boys. There was food, dancing, santa, presents, magic shows and games. They had fun and we brought my Dad with us(WH ticket had already been bought why should it go to waste?) My Dad had fun (although he spent most of the time looking for someone to take home GAG).

When I got home there were two more messages on the machine. WH said "Thanx a lot for letting me come all the way to my house and see that my kids weren't home." Delete, delete.

My IM called me too. They are home now and SURPRISE SURPRISE WH hasn't even called them ONCE.

I told them that I would get them a copy of my requirements for contact. I also let them know that they are NOT to pass on ANY emotions at all. They are just supposed to filter things to me about dates and times for visiting. They have agreed but I am aware I may have to "remind" them every now and then.

As far as the presents were concerned, I was already telling the boys that the presents they get this year are from both of us because it was both of our money. They understood that already so that part didn't really affect me.

I didn't read them the email he wrote them yet. I wasn't sure if I should. I figured that any information he had to tell them he could do on the phone since I have let them talk to him when they were available and when they wanted to.

WH does not have access to the house. He gave me back our keys. He wasn't going to at first but as soon as he started packing up his stuff I just asked for them again and he gave them to me. I don't always lock the door when I go out for a short time but now I do ALWAYS.

I know why he is doing this today, it is probably because OW works on Sundays so he is there alone. We did not have arrangements for him to see them today and the boys and I already had plans. If he does not contact IM for visitations soon then he won't see them until Saturday.

I made the kids their own email address. I am blocking WH from mine now. Thanx.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Sounds great!

Just expect that for a while, he's going to keep trying to break through. Expect it so it doesn't throw you too badly off-kilter, and just figure out a way to block each new way as it occurs.

Also, why not just unplug your answering machine? If you have caller ID you can see who called, and he won't be able to keep leaving messages. (The fact that it just rings and rings and rings when you aren't home and will probably drive him even nutser is just an added bonus you don't want to bother dwelling on, lol.)


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



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