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not2fun- well I have always been writing a journal. It has always helped me stay sane. I have A LOT of friends I can talk to and that has been great. I don't know what it is but I actually feel BETTER emotionally. I am more at peace.

My IM told me that I sound much better right now and she is happy for that. She understands that I am doing what I think best for me and the boys and she will help in whatever way I need. I told her that saving me from WH emotional outbursts will help a lot. She agreed. We have made arrangements for us to go there and visit after Christmas as they have some presents for the boys (they are like surrogate grandparents).

I started doing some pilates. I also am reading and watching movies to get LOST some times. I cry when I am alone in bed but it isn't as long as it used to be. I woke up these past 2 mornings with a smile on my face because my boys came in to wake me up.

I am focused on the tasks I have to do and Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I do have hard moments but they are better than what I was feeling like when WH was here and carrying on his A right in front of my face. I am even eat better and sleep better (not perfect but 5 hours of sleep and eating twice a day was better than a month ago). I honestly thought I would feel more sad but I guess it is because I am away from the adultery and fear of his actions.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Scotland, for your own sake, do not listen to his voice mails!!! He is violating the no contact clause of Plan B (of course, he doesn't know about Plan B, but you have told him that you will not accept any calls, emails, text messages, etc.).
I know you are looking after your boys, but every time you hear his voice you are "resetting the clock" on your Plan B. You need to become invisible to him, and he to you.

I admire your strength and determination. Do this for your own good!


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Hang in scotland. The Plan B just b4 the holidays was strategic in his seeing what he was losing. Unfortunatly one of the side effects was the stress on you and your children.

You are doing an outstanding job,

You have shown him that you love him and want a Family again.

You have stated in your letter how he can earn his way back into your life.

You have IMs that know what to tell you if that happens.

Do everything nessesary to keep him out of your mind for now. everyone here has allready given good ideas

God bless ya Scotty we are all here

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Hi Scotland-

Here is my "translation" of what your WH really was saying in his email to you;


I want to be able to cake-eat. I want to be able to get my "family fix" when I want to and, if you don't let me, I will accuse you of using the kids against me.

I want to maintain the fantasy that my A doesn't have ANY impact on our boys so I will blame you for any pain they feel to keep that fantasy intact. I also want to maintain my fantasy that we will be able to get along and the boys will not notice any difference if I continue on this path.

I don't want to accept any blame for any of this so I will be nasty to you until you "own" my choices.

So there....



BTW-I agree with the others that you are doing a fantastic job.


johnstwin-

"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther

Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!

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That translation is dead on. Nice Johnstwin.


BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
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Scotland,

You are doing very well so far. Glad to see you are getting such wonderful advice. ESPECIALLY from Pepperband. (love u pep kiss)

Anyway, was just thinking, could you steer your dad towards MB? Your decision. Don't want him looking for ow to take home when he is in the midst of turmoil in his marriage. It really might do him some good. Especially towards his personal recovery.

Keep up the good work, you are WORTHY! grin

Be careful with your 6 YO. He somehow got it wrong that he was supposed to be mean to ow. LOL rotflmao Just make sure he has things straight in that 6 YO brain when you talk to him. You don't want any potential LB's.

And be prepared for your WS to try and break plan B. I think they all try that.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Last edited by Miss M; 12/20/09 07:47 PM.

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I think DS6 is having a hard time understanding what I meant. I was just trying to tell him that if he ever felt like he had something to say that he normally would get in trouble for he could go ahead and say it.

I do agree that I have to not read any emails and not listen to his messages. He at first was leaving messages for the boys (or at least that's what he was saying) and I wanted to make sure they would hear those.

Johnstwin- I too agree that that's what he was saying in his email. There was a lot of venom in there but I was not taking any of it to heart. I actually was laughing at most of it because all I really took from it was

"I read your letter. I am confused. I feel guilty about leaving the boys. I am hurting. I am MAD at you for not following what I wanted. I can't believe you are standing up to what I was doing. I can't have my cake. WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I want my cake. I am going to accuse you of using the kids so I can threaten with me taking them cuz I know that will hurt you. How is my fantasy world gonna mesh with my real world? I am gonna be a good dad and noone can say different, especially you. If I am not able to be a good Dad it is YOUR fault." Etc.

I understood what was between the lines and you know what I really was just laughing because I honestly believed he WOULDN'T even try to break the NC with me ever. I thought he would be different. I know I keep seeing that he is EXACTLY like every other WS. I am like many BS. This is my best chance and MB concepts DO work so it may work out. If it doesn't I did my BEST to save my M and I will live my life with NO REGRETS.

As far as my Dad, I have tried. I think he is in a Plan D right now. It is a little sick to watch because I see that he still gets needs met by my Mom and that is why he is talking to her still.

WH called just now. It is 930pm and he KNOWS the kids go to bed at 8pm. I didn't listen to the message but I know it is something along the same lines as before I am sure. I don't know what to do if he comes here and rings the doorbell. I know I don't go or let the kids go to the door. Would I then turn off my phone and the house phone and answering machine so he doesn't try to call and sway them to go out.

He hasn't even tried to call the IM and ask them to pass messages on to me. How do I handle this one? I think he is going to try to come see them after work sometime this week. Maybe as early as tomorrow. HELP.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Somebody call the WAhhhhhhhhhambulance ... his widdle feewings are hurted. dramaqueen

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Pepper- I always LOVE when you do those ones.

Can I give you a laugh? I was reading one of my friends status updates on FB (he ALWAYS has hilarious ones) and there were two I wanted to tell you guys.

Did you hear about the lady who put Santa behind bars? He called her "HO" not once, not twice but THREE times. LOL

If chicken legs are really legs and chicken breasts are really breasts......I am NOT ordering chicken BALLS anymore HAHAHAHAHA

I know they are silly but I needed a laugh and these sure did the trick so I thought I would pass them along HAHAHAHA

Last edited by Scotland; 12/20/09 10:43 PM.

BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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WH called just now. It is 930pm and he KNOWS the kids go to bed at 8pm. I didn't listen to the message but I know it is something along the same lines as before I am sure. I don't know what to do if he comes here and rings the doorbell. I know I don't go or let the kids go to the door. Would I then turn off my phone and the house phone and answering machine so he doesn't try to call and sway them to go out.
You treat him JUST LIKE any other STRANGER coming to your house. Would you open the door for a stranger? NO!

Right now, he is NOT your husband. He is an alien. Until your IM tells you that he is ready to meet your requirements, he is DEAD to you.

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Speaking of Santa...

What is the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa stopped at three Ho's.

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Your IM's need to contact him with a little welcome note.

"Hi WH,

This is John and Jane Smith, whom your wife has chosen to be her intermediaries during this time.

Your wife has asked us to let you know that the boys will be available for visitation on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday, from 6:00 pm to 7:30 pm. You will be picking them up from Dietert Park, and dropping them off at the same location.

If you are able to make it for any or all of the proposed visitations, please give a minimum of 24 hours notice.

Thanks,
John and Jane Smith"


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Some other thoughts:

If you have someone to come to the house, either a family member or just a babysitter, there may be times you are willing to ~try~ letting him pick up and drop the kids off at home, with you gone and whoever is there knowing they are not to let him in. That's why it would need to be someone strong enough to say no to him.

As he settles more into the routine of Plan B, you may even be able to have him pick up and drop the kids off from you, just having them ready to walk out the door the instant he pulls up so you don't see him and he doesn't see you. He's likely to show up a little early or a little late to try and catch you, so always be alert on that one.

I just don't think you're going to have any peace while he can get to your answering machine. If you get the boys a shared cell phone, he can leave messages there. Prepaid phones can be fairly inexpensive, and some, like Tracfone, don't have any service contracts. You just buy minutes as you need them, and the service days extend automatically.

Since he hasn't gone off on your IM's yet, or contacted them in any way, that's why they need to announce their presence to him. Prepare them that he may be very angry so they aren't caught off guard, and let them know in advance how much you appreciate their vital services.

If your IM's have any trouble, let us know. There are some really good threads on IM's here that you could print out for them that would answer most of their questions.

Two days down, and well done.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



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You are doing fabulous Scotty!

You are a natural.

Hang in there -- its very common for WS to circumvent your Plan B. Just learn from his attempts, and block those holes.

Block email.

Have IM's begin contact with him.

His statement about wanting to visit the kids in their home is a big sign that he's missing the comforts of home. He's starting to realize what being a part-time-dad is all about. This is going to be a light-bulb moment for him. If you were to divorce him, he would NEVER be allowed into your home.

He's going to start wondering about what being replaced might feel like. What if his Xwife were to get remarried??? He'll start picturing those scenarios, and start realizing how much he DOESN'T want that to happen....

Hang in there Scotty-girl!

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Scotty,

First, I have to say that I admire what you've been able to do.

The only thing I think you should stop immediately, is the coaching of the kids on the phone. This really puts them in the middle and what is happening right now is very traumatic for them.

They're confused and don't understand. I believe you should take a stand and forbid your kids from seeing OW and getting a legal order that she is not to be around your kids. Can you sue her for alienation of affection?

Please get some guidance on how to handle things with your kids. The best thing you can do is to walk away when they are on the phone and let them feel alone with Dad on the phone.

Everything you're doing is spot on. It's the phone thing with the kids that concerned me the most.

But please understand that I know you will have your stumbles regarding the kids and what is righ to do. I had plenty of them on my end and made some big mistakes when I look back.

Just learn from them and move on. The WH will eventually get it and will stop trying to contact you.

One suggestion, if you can do it, is to setup a phone that is just theirs for him to call.

He will be the one to try to constantly use the boys to get info on you or to engage with you.

It's a tough game, but he will eventually get it to stop trying to communicate with you. It was a tough thing for my wxw to learn. It took a professional to intervene and finally get her to understand that short of blood being on the ground and someone about to die that she didn't need to contact me about the kids unless it was an emergency.

What sort of visitation did you write out for him?

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Yeah sweety. get crackin ' with those IMs and get a shared cell for the boys.

Is there any form of pressure from an authority you can use to get him to stop contacting you like he is?

You spelled it out in the letter. This is disrespect for your feelings still and why you are doing a plan B. You need to preserve your capacity to love him and he is working to destroy it. You deserve to be respected. YOUR feelings are at stake here. You need to be able to remain sane during the pain he has caused you. For you and Boys sake.

Considering that he is still trying to eat cake and feels entitled to your home and company/interaction I would suggest that you do something to get him to back off.

1st the IMs and if that doesn't work tell him you will issue a restraining order.

In the end you are preserving yourself. remember you? The one he promised to protect?

Well he quit and is not up to the job right now. He doesn't get the fringe benifets.

Another concern--- He left such an awesome women<<No joke, he must be hitting the wall with all his BullS. Probably hard. What is his stat of mind? He still feels entitled? Might be dangerous right now if he melts down.
Again can the IMs discern whether this might be the case?

Anyways he needs to talk to someone. Just not you.

Hang in there, your a Hero


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
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I wouldn't threaten a RO.

But, I would be sure to put a radio, or TV in a room that was the farthest from the door WH would use to try to get you to let him inside. And at the first sight of him, I'd send the boys to that room to watch TV or listen to music...nice and loud.

You could tell him to call the IM to set up when you would like to take the boys somewhere. And then tell him you're walking away from the door now.




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Yes, have your IMs email/call him to let them know all info is to go through them. The can reiterate that it is purely because it is just too painful for you to be in contact with him right now as long as he still has a "girlfriend".

Is there any reason why your IMs can't be reached by cell phone when they are not at home to intercept emails from him?

We used a LOT of text messaging with our IM when we were in Plan B. This worked out GREAT because 1.) TMs generally need to be fairly short...it's too much of a pain to write anything very emotional and 2.) it's instantaneous.

Can your IMs do this for you?


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Thanx SO. I contacted my IMs this morning and they agreed to send him an email to get the ball rolling. She said she was going to write something simple like "WH this is IM. BS has chosen IM and IM to be her intermediaries at this time. BS has informed us that you can have access to DS9 and DS6 as long as you go through us to make the arrangements. Call us anytime. Take Care."

She agreed with me that he may not feel comfortable right now in calling them for fear that they would be on my side and be preaching to him (they have NO SIDE and they will not preach to him). They understand their role and I hope he will use this opportunity to contact them so he can visit the children. He has to get over the fact that he can't come and see them here.

Wow, what is going on in his brain? Does he really think this is the best option right now? I can't have him visit the children in their home because everyday he leaves it will be like he is leaving them again and again and how can they(or I for that fact) get over it if we feel like it is happening 3-4 times a week?

I am unplugging my answering machine. If he wants to leave them a message, he can write them an email to THEIR email address. I have told them they can talk to him whenever they want on the phone so he shouldn't have to leave them messages. This will stop him from calling me and leaving me messages when he knows they wouldn't be available.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Wow, what is going on in his brain?

This:
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat the hell just happened?

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