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Sorry to hear that your Mom couldn't let you talk it out and be upset and also that she is supporting WHs position. It is very hard to get support from foggy people. Almost impossible to expect help from someone supporting a lifestyle that is against what you are fighting for. Its too bad that she couldn't add to her statement that he will never be the way he was because he will be BETTER than before. You know Mom, more mature and responsible as adults should be? Or I will do fine without him Mom.
Waynurds indeed!
Hang in there Scotty you are doing great.

Scotty, you know I'm no vet and I'm just trying to support you because I'm following your thread and you just seem like an amazing person. I want you to succeed for you and your kids. Sorting has said it very well. You are mostly alone in your fight (except for us). I noticed this in my sitch right away when I exposed. People Don't Get It! We live in a People Magazine Society where marriages are measured in minutes and faithfulness is a thing of the past. If you're experience is anything like mine in that regard, you will get very little support from those not familiar with MB. You just won't.

Also, I know you're feeling upset but I have to point out something you already know, just for emphasis because it's important. You were told by vets some time ago (I think maybe ML or Cat or someone like that) that your WH was going to lie to your children sooner or later. [if I'm wrong and I didn't read it in YOUR thread, I'm sure you've read enough here to know it's true]. He would let them down. That's what they do. I think you need to expect it. You'll be the one consoling them and Fred is right: there are huge consequences to his actions. Let them know they have at least one parent with some integrity - this told to me from a vet - and they will turn out okay. From my brief training in child psychology, if a child has at least ONE rock in their life (a parent, grandparent, coach, teacher, etc), they can thrive.

Again Scot. I'm no vet. I'm speaking only from the heart here and very limited experience with this stuff. (I'm still working a plan A and praying hard). Even so, I hope what I've said helps you a little. You're truly a remarkable human being.

Re-group and get out of the drama. Kids get stuck on porches once in a while, he's not scarred for life. smile
The vets will be back soon to keep you on the right track.

Opt


Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01)
Divorce from WW final 9/16/10.
Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10)
Mine: S(16), D(11)
NatureGirls: S(23), D(21)
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Originally Posted by Scotland
I was so angry at him when I called my Mom and then what happened? I got angry at my Mom. She agreed to watch the kids for me and even give me a ride to work if I needed it. But what did I get mad about? Her negative attitude(she called it giving me a dose of reality) She keeps telling me that WH will never be who he was ever again. That I can't keep telling myself that he will come back because he most likely won't and I have to be realistic. I can't keep hoping and thinking he will come back it is not good for me.

Are you most upset that you lost your temper with your mom (who is helping you out when WH failed you AGAIN) or that she doesn't think your plan to get him back will work?

It might not work. Sometimes it doesn't. And sometimes after being without them, you don't want them back.

And sometimes we take our anger out on those we most love---like moms.

You really need a constant back up plan in place for your work situation. He is going to try to push buttons and make you wish you had not kicked him out. I know my WH (x now) relished me being here alone with an acre to mow and weedeat. He wanted me to ask for help soooooo bad. I just resolved to ask him for NOTHING. It about killed me yesterday to have to text him and ask him for help with our wireless connection password. I half expected him to refuse to answer my question.

But anyway, don't let on to your WH that you were upset by his not doing his part. Just chalk it up to his selfishness and move on.

You are doing great. Hang in there.

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Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
It about killed me yesterday to have to text him and ask him for help with our wireless connection password. I half expected him to refuse to answer my question.
I wish you'd asked the question about wireless connection passwords here, first (I'm assuming you mean wireless Internet and not wireless telephony?). Resetting the password on wireless Internet is a trivial matter if you know how to do it.

I/we might have been able to spare you the trauma of contacting xWH.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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For the wireless internet I am assuming you are talking about for your home computer and the wireless network in your home. I presume you are talking about the password that most wireless routers require. You can bypass this by plugging your laptop into the router to make a wired connection to your router. Call your internet service provider and tell them you need to reset the password to the wireless and they can walk you through it.

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Originally Posted by BCboy
For the wireless internet I am assuming you are talking about for your home computer and the wireless network in your home. I presume you are talking about the password that most wireless routers require. You can bypass this by plugging your laptop into the router to make a wired connection to your router. Call your internet service provider and tell them you need to reset the password to the wireless and they can walk you through it.

Thanks to both of you for offering to help! I don't know why I didn't think of asking here....but it wasn't for a laptop or computer...it was for the neighbor boy's new IPod touch. I had the password, but it wouldn't work. XH told me to try the randomily generated numbers he had written down instead...that worked.

Thanks tho. You guys are great.

I don't ask him for ANYTHING though. Everytime I do I regret it. He was ok yesterday though. Texting works better if I have to discuss something.

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Scotty, you need make WH the backup plan, not just have someone else standing by.

Find someone else to watch them on the days you work. Period. Then, if he wants visitation, he can confirm it himself through the IM's.

Put all the onus on him. It stinks that the kids are hurt, however that is just the expected outcome for now. They're going to be ok in the long run, because they have you.

I also don't blame you for yelling at your mom. She's a stinking wayward right now, too, and you won't be able to stomach her or have any respect for her till she owns the damage SHE is doing herself, and is repentant for it. Of course she can't bring herself to condemn what your WH is doing, or to support your fight to save your M, because she's wallowing in the same sucking swamp he's in.

Since it's not good for ~you~ to be so triggered, have as little contact with your mom as you can manage. If you need her once in a while for emergency babysitting and that works ok for you, so be it. Just don't expect anything good from her till she quits committing adultery and defogs.

Sorry if I seem harsh; it's just the plain facts.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Neak I have been thinking that myself. After being on here for this short time and doing all of the reading I feel bad for what I have done. I have been tolerating my Mom's affair. I acted civil to her adultery partner. I did what was easier for me and what I thought I should do. Now I know how wrong I was.

I talked to my Mom today because she told me OM was going to drive her to my house and then he was going to take me to work. I said "Nope I would rather walk" and that would take me an hour. She then said to me, "This is giving ME anxiety and stress. My stomach is in knots. I am bending over backwards to help you and I am the one who is so depressed I have had to see a therapist." After she said this stuff, I hung up.

Then I called my dad and he said "How do the boys feel about spending the day with Grandpa?" My dad watched the kids for me and the kids had fun.

I am AWARE that my WH may NEVER come home. I am not living my life like he will. I am making a life separate from him. I did what I had to so I wouldn't need him to be home and watch the kids. Honestly sometimes I do think that it would have been easier to go along with what he wanted, but it wouldn't have been right. Emotionally it would have torn me apart.

WH sent an email to DS9 and said that he had things to do today and that was why he couldn't see them. Then he said he thought I told him that I didn't work on Sundays anymore. Right now when He called DS9 he was asking about that very thing. DS9 responded with "I don't know what she told you but I do know she went to work. We dropped her off and picked her up from there."

I have told DS9 that he can talk about what happens with me and that I don't want him to lie to Daddy but he needs to tell his father that the time he talks to him should be about them NOT ME.





BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Opt- I know what you mean. While I was in Plan A I kept telling people that the biggest thing that was bothering me when I talked to people was that I had to keep defending what I was doing, to them. I had to explain that I was doing what I had to to have the best chance at saving my M. Many asked me if I could really take him back after all of this, and I respond with "Yes I can." I know that even if my WH does want to come back it doesn't guarantee that I will want him back by then or that we will be able to work at it but I do believe in MB concepts.

I felt really lost before I found this place and finding this website and forum I felt found. I just want to do my best. It has only been 9 days since WH moved in with OW. I am not going to get over it in that short of time of even in a few weeks/months. This is going to take TIME and I need to keep HOPE and FAITH.

I am going to read some more on here and see what else I can come up with. Even reading the beginning of my thread I can see the possibilities that have been opened up. The difference that it has made in me and my mental health.



BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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She then said to me,"This is giving ME anxiety and stress. My stomach is in knots. I am bending over backwards to help you and I am the one who is so depressed I have had to see a therapist."


GOOD!

This means you're upright actions are causing her conflict!



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I know Marshmallow. It is hard to talk to her when she gets like that though. She tries to convince me that she is not as bad as my WH because she didn't actually have sex with OM until she moved out. I told her that an affair begins when there is a reciprocation of feelings between the two parties involved. That she was having an affair on my Dad from the beginning of that regardless of when they started having sex. I also told her that I had to do what I did so I wouldn't put myself through the torture that my Dad has been experiencing in the last year and a half due to her cake eating.

During all of this, she was absolutely quiet. I have made some points throughout these past months of agony for me but I think only now the fog is slowly creeping away. She is still in the fog but she isn't happy. I am going to try to put more pressure on her relationship with POSOM and maybe that will be good. My Dad is probably too hurt to actually want my Mom back but who knows?

I was having a rough weekend and I am over that today. There is a fresh layer of snow outside and the sun is shining bright. This is going to be a GOOD day laugh


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Scotland,

It's tough to be on the receiving end as a child and as a spouse. Like you, I experienced the aftermath of infidelity in both ways.

My father cheated on my mother throughout their marriage. Most of it happened before I could really remember it and I had a long time where I felt I had the perfect family. He then went through a midlife crisis and snapped back to old habits and cheated on my mom, then on the OW (after he married her, the only time I ever supported infidelity), and now on his new wife, though he seems to have mended his ways after nearly dying.

Don't hold your feelings back with your mom. You are now on the receiving end of what your father went through and your mom knows this. Throwing her infidelity in her face is exactly what you need to do and don't tolerate being around OM in any way.

I set my foot down with my father and let him know that under no circumstance would I visit him with OW there and that she was never in any way welcome in my home.

He tried later to get my siblings and I to accept her, but it never happened and we repeated our boundary.

They divorced, partly because we'd never accept her, mainly because he cheated on her too.

Stand up for your father. Let her know repeatedly that you are going through what your father is going through and it is absolute hell and torture for you and the most selfish thing a parent could do to her children. The unfaithful never think of the impact on their children and don't understand that they are cheating on them as well. Infidelity is a betrayal of an entire family, not just a BS.

Just some thoughts from someone who has been through it on both ends.

As a BS I can tell you that you will eventually feel indifference towards your WH. That's when he will have truly lost you.

I would have considered reconsilitation with my WXW a full year and a half into my personal recovery. Now? No way. I wouldn't want to sentence myself to a life like the one I had, even for the kids.

They have settled into stability and have accepted the routine and have accepted our significant others. Stability really is the greatest gift you can give your kids, even if it's an imperfect scenario of split homes.

I would advise you to stabalize a visitation arrangement where he has the kids on specific days of the week and certain weekends. This stabalizes things for your kids and gives you predictability in knowing when you need to arrange to have him get the kids.


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> not as bad as my WH because she didn't actually have sex with OM until she moved out

Honestly, does she expect ANYONE to believe this?

See, no matter what the TRUTH is...once she began the EA or whatever, she IMMEDIATELY became deceitful...and EVERYTHING she says from that point on is suspect.

(imo - not that it matters)

You, my dear, are A-MAZ-IN!


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

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Originally Posted by Dealan-de
> not as bad as my WH because she didn't actually have sex with OM until she moved out

Honestly, does she expect ANYONE to believe this?

My WH actually tried to tell my grandpa that because he didn't have sex with his OW that he didn't cheat. Never mind that he moved out, and got into her bed for some "gropy gropy."

He's just lucky he was talking through email... the old man mighta just tied him into a pretzel. LOL


Wolf, not Cougar
Why wolf? Wolves mate for life.
BW-40 WH-38 M 18 years, together 21
Bomb drop 10/13/2008. EA +some physical, plus disclosure of long term porn addiction and "gaslighting" campaign to isolate me from our social circle
2 False recoveries 10/22/2008 and 2/10/2009. Separated since 10/5/2009 when he refused to get treatment for his binge drinking. Divorce final October 2010.
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It is funny how wayturds want to try to convince themselves that they are better than they are. They have to try to convince everyone that they are doing things the right way and that they are good. It is silly talk and I make sure to tell my Mom that whenever she starts talking like that. Maybe it is my way of giving HER a little dose of reality.

Wow, so much Drama in my life, I am just glad that I took myself out of WH drama. WH has emailed DSx2 twice already today. The second one said that he is at work and he misses them. He works with OW so I guess she isn't filling the void as well as he thought she would. GOOD. I know I shouldn't think about him at all but it is hard not to. It has only been 10 days since I went to Plan B so I have to retrain myself not to think about him all of the time. It will take time and I am not going to beat myself up every time I slip. For me it is best that I acknowledge it so I can make changes.

I am in a good head space today and that is the times I take advantage to make positive changes. Today the kids and I are just gonna stay home and get some organizing done. They have A LOT of toys that need to find new homes. It is a good thing and they feel good doing it. We played Battleship and had fun. We will continue to make good memories and I hope it will make up for the void in their life. I had always admired single mothers, they have to be their children's everything. I never thought I would become one.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Maybe you can help your MOm and maybe you can't. Remember the success you are working for is you alone first. Your connection to honesty and strength in relationships. I am sure you are aware of that Scot, just don't want you to get bogged down with a parents mistakes.

Glad to see that you are moving forward in all this. Take excellent care of yourself k?

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Awesome job with the way you spoke to your mom, standing up against her adultery. It's the right thing to do, and may even benefit her, besides.

I would caution you against continuing to monitor the emails between the boys and WH. Right now while everything is still pretty fresh it won't have as much of an impact, but it's going to wind up being a huge drain on your Love Bank. Maybe there's someone you can trust to monitor it for you, and filter it for them.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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DS9 knows the email address and password so he actually goes on there by himself and responds on his own as well. Maybe I will just do like I did for the phone calls and not be involved at all. I was doing it in thoughts that I would be protecting DS9 from something but I have to take myself out of it. Do you think that I should probably just tell DS9 that he and DS6 can read and respond to the emails themselves and not let me know what is in them unless it is something that upsets him in some way?

I know that WH probably assumes that I am the one reading them and responding so that is why he has continued to send messages through their email address. I am calling IM tonight to ask them to email him and tell him that it is unacceptable to email the boys with any info about me at all. That is what THEY are for not DS9. I am also asking them to email him with the visitation schedule again and they will ask him to contqact them if there is a problem with it. Still a learning process for me I guess.

I have spent the last three days reading the thread on Mimi_here. It is funny how much alike our sitch were/are. I see how much easier it is to go to a dark Plan B with NC so that I am not always pulled in to those feelings again and again. It is also awesome to see some of you that were giving me advice were there for her too. Thanks for it all.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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And she was there for me. smile

You'll work the kinks out of this Plan B with not too much trouble - you're a fast learner.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Scotland, I've very much enjoyed reading your thread and seeing how you've been dealing with all this. It's been helpful for me, even though our situations are quite different.

I hope this works out for the best for you... whatever that 'best' may end up being. I'm a big fan of your self control, class, and grace under pressure. smile
Wolf, not Cougar


Wolf, not Cougar
Why wolf? Wolves mate for life.
BW-40 WH-38 M 18 years, together 21
Bomb drop 10/13/2008. EA +some physical, plus disclosure of long term porn addiction and "gaslighting" campaign to isolate me from our social circle
2 False recoveries 10/22/2008 and 2/10/2009. Separated since 10/5/2009 when he refused to get treatment for his binge drinking. Divorce final October 2010.
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I hope someone else has already chimed in - I haven't been on since Thursday. Ontario would be considered a no fault state, however, you do have one thing at your disposal that doesn't appear to exist south of the border. You can write your own agreement and it is legal. Anything that is agreed upon, including keeping the kids from OW, can be enforced. Though no court will ever order this, it can be obtained through the separation agreement. The thing is, both of you have to sign it. Generally speaking, WS's are much more likely to sign stuff away early on while they still feel guilty. This guilt will turn to anger directed at you at which point he will not agree to anything you want. Also, if he has already allowed the children to meet OW, it will be more difficult to get him to agree. I hope you did make a big stink about it (via your IMs of course). You are early in Plan B right now so he may have enough instability that you can get him to sign.

OK I'll go back and read what you ahve done so far.

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