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Here

Closest thing to my story ... My experience pre-dated MB.

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Well, isn't that FUNNY. I DO remember reading that now. I have read so may people's stories I think they are becoming a BLURRRRRRRRRRR hahahaha.

Gotta go for a bit. I am with my DSx2 and their cousins at my sister's house. That is DS9, DN7, DS6, and DN5 all together and acting like siblings(which basically means ever once in a while there is WW3 in here). They are close and that is awesome but some times it can make anyone feel a bit NUTTY.

My dear sister also has 4 cats and 4 new fish(which one of the cats keeps trying to EAT).

New Year's eve with them all will be awesome and since WH never attended any New Year's celebrations with us in the past(usually ASLEEP by 11pm) then no real triggers tonight.

My Mom and Dad will be though so that should be INTERESTING.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Originally Posted by Dealan-de
Difficult would have been handing him your boundries written in Mandrin Chinese.


ROFLMAO

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:happynewyear:


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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THANX NEAK. Happy New year to everyone. Here's to hoping that 2010 is better than 2009(although if it is worse that'll REALLY suck).

So, nothing new on my front (phew) but I think my Dad is DONE with my Mom. Last night, he was acting a little weird to her(although they showed up to my sister's AT THE SAME TIME). He made little digs at her all night and after midnight he gave her the finger behind her back and then said "GOOD BYE". My parents have always said that they don't say "Good-bye" they say "See you later." because good-bye is too final(something you say to people who have passed).

It is funny too because my sister told me that she had hung up on our mom too the other day and that my mom said, "I don't know what is the matter with you two girls." To which my sister responded, "Mom, it's you not US." I guess she is feeling the pressure a bit and you know what that is okay with me.

As far as my sitch, WH talked to DS9 last night and didn't pass on any messages. There was a misunderstanding with me IMs I think though. I told my IMs that if WH told them what time he was coming to get the boys today, that he could pick them up. I think they thought I said he COULDN'T because WH told DS9 that he wanted to take them out sledding today but I said "No."

DS9 got off of the phone and asked me why I said "No." and I told him that I hadn't. Then I said that there must have been a misunderstanding but we will find something else to do anyways(maybe visit some friends).

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO THE MB WORLD.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Just talked to IM and there was a misunderstanding. My IMs are a couple and they have decided that to make sure that there was no unnecessary info past on to either WH or myself that one would talk to WH and the other one would talk to me. That had been working until My IM wrote a note and I guess the other IM couldn't read it well enough. That is how WH got the impression that I didn't want him to get the boys today. Oh well, it isn't a big deal.

Then I guess the IM told my WH to read the Plan B letter again. WH admitted he hadn't read it yet but it was in the truck so he would read it. Well, that is interesting. First I thought he HAD read the letter. Then I thought he would throw it way. Nw I know he did neither. Actually, just thought of something. He had to have read some of the letter. We have always had IMs on speed dial so he didn't know the number. He called them though so he must have read SOME of the letter before. Maybe he just hadn't read the addendum. Oh well, enough obsessing about WH today.

This explains a bit about his behaviour though. Well, we are firmly planted in Plan B now.

Feeling UP but that can change any moment. Keeping my head up and still reading the story of mimi_here (on page 26).


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Happy 2010 Scotty.

I just wanted to say that I am very pleased to see you "working" other people's threads, reaching out and offering your point of view/advise/encouragement.

It's very important to your growth and understanding of MB to give back much of what you've learned.

I think you will find the more you post to help others, the better your vision becomes regarding your own marriage/situation. I've always found that when I attempt to help someone else, I need to dig deeper inside myself to make sure that I'm being honest and true. In other words, I run a bullchit check on myself - it's a good process.

You are such a welcome addition to MB.

Even if you're a Canuck stickout



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Thanx Pep. I have always heard that the best way to learn something is to TEACH. I do read other people's threads and help out where and when I think I can. I am no vet but I do have some personal experience and definitely have my own opinions.

I have read some of the things that I wrote and look at it as if I am giving myself that SAME advice too.

My sister said she thinks I am ADDICTED to this site and you know what I HOPE she's right. If there was anything to be addicted to, this would be the best thing. hehehehehehehe

BTW, it's nice to know that you don't hold my citizenship against me hehehehehe (although my Mom keeps trying to tell me that since SHE is American that I am too).


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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There was a slight "trigger" last night though. I was watching New Year's Celebrations at the falls and Glass Tiger was playing. The only song that they showed in full on TV was "Some Day". Listening to the lyrics made me a little sad but I made it through. laugh


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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here's to you and your boys for a bright and wonderful New Year!!!


Truth can stand on it's own two feet....A lie needs support....FRM
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Wow, that was WEIRD. I was just sitting here and all of a sudden I looked at the window and thought that WH should be home soon. Not in a R way but just as if he hadn't left. My sister warned me that this would happen but WOW it catches me off gurad when it does.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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The toughest New Year I had was the switch from 2006 to 2007. I cried, and cried, and cried and then went and kissed all of my kids as they slept.

I lost the family in 2006 so I understand your reaction.

But now, in 2009, I have a great gf in my life and a set visitation and I'm happy to have WXW out of my life.

So things do turn around and you will feel different about things as time goes on.

Keep your chin up.

On another note: MB is good and it is bad. MB can keep you stuck. You will get to a point in your healing where you should really step away for a bit of time before coming back.

Reading the similarity of the stories here can keep you in a place where you don't really heal.

I'm back and I read the posts on here about once or twice a day, but I use to stay on here for hours on end, combing the threads, and posting to everyone.

I was stuck in my healing by this. Just a thought.

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Was it really keeping you stuck, or was it helping you reach the point where you could let go and move on to the next level of healing?

I know for me, the first couple years the A was all I could think about anyway, and spending plenty of time on MB channeled the thinking (and thinking and thinking and thinking) that I would have been doing anyway, into constructive channels.

Eventually there came I time when I didn't need MB for me, at least not for anything A-related.

Maybe there are people who are truly stuck, but I suspect that many who feel as if they got stuck were just processing their feelings till they reached a point they could progress. Healing goes through so many levels, and each must be mastered before going on to the next.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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I guess there comes a point where writing about infidelity over and over again does just serve to keep you stuck. Much in the same way that my divorce care friends aren't as much a part of my life anymore.

We use to all get together and gripe about our exes. We got together a few months ago and I was getting bombarded with questions about things regarding my ex and I really had no desire to talk about her at all. I realized how far I had come.

Her and her infidelity and the loss of my family was all I could talk about for a long time and I found comfort in sharing that with others who felt and understood that kind of pain. But now I only wish to talk about things when I choose to or to share my advice with those who are going through the process right now.

Scotland is a bit of a different case since I often try to help BHs in their situation and to offer advice based on my own custody battle and experience with a WW.

Scotland, you are an interesting story and I really feel for your kids, who are currently confused out of their minds. My experience with the custody fight taught me some lessons which I can hopefully pass to you so that they can get to a place where things aren't as confusing for them.

A set visitation schedule is key for them to adjust and offers them stability which is vital to their development. Predictability also creates stability for you.

Things really settled down in terms of conflict between my ex and I once the custody stuff was decided on and resolved. My kids have adjusted and now know that weekdays are with mom, weekends with dad, and there is predictability in their lives.

THAT is your greatest goal regardless of what outcome you get.

A BS in grief wishes and wishes for their spouse to return. I have heard that the greatest threat to recovery is a BS 6 months into it since that's when we process the fact that our cheating spouse is back in our lives and we got what we wanted, but is it truly what we want?

I saw my own mother go through this with my dad. He wanted to reconcile but she was so filled with anger that even I as a kid was thinking that D might be preferable to living through years of indirect digs at my dad and constant tension between them.

The hard work is really just starting if he ever wakes up. In many ways, not that I'm endorsing it, divorce is easier since once your feelings for your spouse disappear you see them more for their flaws than their good traits and part of you wishes you had never met them or had them in your life.

The really interesting place to be is in a state of indifference towards your ex spouse. That's been interesting just for the sake of seeing where you once were and where you are today.

I don't know anything about recovery since I never experienced it, but I do know that a person goes through a healing process and I'm sure that recovery has to be really hard a few months into it as a BS. Anger must be a real best to deal with in recovery.

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helpthe- you know what? the first time you posted on my thread I was a bit angry. I don't remember exactly what you said that made me so angry(I re-read what you wrote and can't remember HMMMM) but to me it felt like you were defending my WH. I looked it over a few times and felt that what you were doing was transferring your own feelings from your sitch on to me. I chose not to respond to your post and felt that it was good practice at not using AO. I knew you were trying to help and I value hearing from both sides of the coin(and that others reading my thread may need your advice). I no longer hold any anger towards what you wrote. The first time you wrote on this thread was Dec16th. That was 2 days before I asked my WH to leave. I was going through a lot of feelings of doubt and fear. Maybe that's why your post affected me then and does not seem to now.

Maybe it is because I was also transferring things from my own life on to you. There are many people in my life who believe that I shouldn't even try to save my M. That "once a cheater, always a cheater." I tell them that that isn't necessarily true and that I have come on here and found people who have made it through to the other side where I hope to be someday. I also tell them that this place will help me get there even if my WH NEVER comes out of this fog and comes home. I am an optimist. I also tend to analyze things A LOT. I feel like that is the only way to make MYSELF better.

I have this feeling that your WXW(although as has been pointed out before, if she is an X she is no longer W) did not handle the visitations with your children as you had hoped and you felt extreme pain from that. My WH is the wayward one and although I know he loves our sons very much, he is also very foggy. He would leave our home to hang out with her. He would take vacation days, and spend them with her. He would send them upstairs to play so he could call her without interruption(I was taping him while I was at work). These are actions of a Wayward and he was not thinking like he normally did. Even now, he wrote them an email 3 days ago apologizing for not calling them because he was playing PSP and missed the time.

Don't get me wrong, my WH LOVES our boys very much but right now his addiction and his selfish behaviours to get his fix is his number one priority. On Sunday, he was supposed to visit with them and said that he had something else to do. Well, IMHO if he really missed them, he would have JUMPED at any opportunity to visit with them, but he had seen them 2 days in a row(laugh).

He was an AMAZING Daddy. He played with them whenever he could and he always tucked them in to bed. They were his world and they knew it. Now he is a part-time father. Not just by the amount of time he spends with them but also because of the quality of that time and what he does with them. My hopes is that will change but if not, I am going to be here to pick up the slack.

In the beginning I was the one saying, "Boys do you want to call Daddy?" "How about an email?" and then I realized that I have always done that for him. I had been the one who nudged them together because I didn't want my kids to miss out and I didn't want my WH to regret not spending enough time with our kids. It is not my responsibility any more. He doesn't get that right any more since he decided to leave me. My boys will know that Mommy is always going to be there for them and I am going to fill in the gaps left behind by his departure(although I can never fully replace him in their eyes).

As far as my addiction to this place, I am okay with it. I said that I analyze things and try to learn to make myself in to a different person. I am interested in the workings of the world and what makes people tick. This place is a HEALTHY addiction in my POV. I am learning and growing and helping others. It makes me feel better about who I am and who I want to become. It is part of my Plan B to work on myself and in a strange way, this is part of it.

Thanx again for your POV helpthelostdads, people need both sides of the coin to understand and grow.

Last edited by Scotland; 01/02/10 12:10 PM.

BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Originally Posted by Neak
Was it really keeping you stuck, or was it helping you reach the point where you could let go and move on to the next level of healing?

I know for me, the first couple years the A was all I could think about anyway, and spending plenty of time on MB channeled the thinking (and thinking and thinking and thinking) that I would have been doing anyway, into constructive channels.

Eventually there came I time when I didn't need MB for me, at least not for anything A-related.

Maybe there are people who are truly stuck, but I suspect that many who feel as if they got stuck were just processing their feelings till they reached a point they could progress. Healing goes through so many levels, and each must be mastered before going on to the next.

I agree about keeping the healthy thinking going as Neak says and as Scotland says also its a good adiction.
HTLDs I understand what you are saying about holding on and how time heals wounds. I pray you are healing.

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scotland,

Giving up MB isn't something in the cards right now for you and may never be. I merely offered that you may need a break down the road in your healing. There are some legends from these boards who no longer post very often, but are still held in high regard (chrisner and mortarman come to mind).

My advice to you is certainly based on my own experience, but I merely wish to focus some attention to the plight of the kids. I know that it's tough to make decisions about them in all of this or keep a level head. Hind sight has provided me with perspective to see some of the mistakes I and my ex made.

The other big message I wanted to pass to you is simply that you will be ok no matter what the outcome of your ordeal. Divorce stinks, if it goes down that path, but there is life after it.

Finally, I read on here that a WXW is a term for an XW who is still wayward. Considering it's been 4 years and no acknowledgement over what's was done, the extent of it, and the circumstances of how it was done (multiple men while I was deployed), followed by trying to get me out of the kids' lives, then yes, she's still wayward.


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Originally Posted by helpthelostdads
On another note: MB is good and it is bad. MB can keep you stuck. You will get to a point in your healing where you should really step away for a bit of time before coming back.
.

I think this might have been your experience, but in my experience, helping others kept my mind off my own misery and helped my healing. If I am helping others then I am not so focused on SELF, but am focused on helping others. In the process of helping others, I learned this program inside and out and was able to use those learnings to create a great marriage.

There is a huge difference, IMO, in coming here and helping others and talking your own problem to death. The latter can be destructive and unproductive, IMO. I see that folks who do the latter really DO stay stuck.

Reading the stories of others doesn't make me SAD, it makes me GLAD because I see the opportunity and know they are in the right place. I view this as a place of HOPE and OPPORTUNITY, not a place of sadness and loss. The loss has already taken place, this place helps them RECOVER the loss. When you see such success stories day after day, it is very fulfilling.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Reading the stories of others doesn't make me SAD, it makes me GLAD because I see the opportunity and know they are in the right place. I view this as a place of HOPE and OPPORTUNITY, not a place of sadness and loss. The loss has already taken place, this place helps them RECOVER the loss. When you see such success stories day after day, it is very fulfilling.


I feel like I am on a battlefield and even though I am not a skilled surgeon I can stop some of the bleeding if I instill hope for the people interested in personal growth..

I am assuming of course that marriage is an institution that gives us a chance to grow. At least thats how I understand it.

I agree with that Mel..

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I understand what you are saying HTLD. I know that there may come a time when I may want to and even NEED to step back from here but for right now I am happy doing what I am. I feel like there is a lot to learn about marriage, relationships and people through these boards. Even if my sitch turns out to end in a Plan D, then I will deal with that at that time, and I am sure there will be plenty of help on here as well. I read the posts to see that my sitch isn't all that special.

Before I found MB, I had been researching on the internet on what to do and I felt very HOPELESS. Then came that fateful day when I googled "How to SURVIVE an affair." This site was at the TOP that day. It felt like my prayers had been answered. THIS was the place to help me. I know that it may NOT turn out the way I hope but I also know that either way I WILL BE OKAY. I woke up this morning with the song "I WILL SURVIVE." running through my head. My co-workers have commented that they are starting to see a little bit of me returning. I am not as sad as I was and for me that's better. I am discovering myself more and I am making plans for me first. I am choosing to LIVE my life.

Helping others is something I have always liked about myself and I have always been taught that the best way to learn something is to teach it. I am helping whenever I can with whomever I can because I remember what it felt like when that first person reached out there hand to help me and I took it. Without the people who replied to me in some of my darkest hours I would not be where I am in my process today.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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