Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 40 of 199 1 2 38 39 40 41 42 198 199
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Now as far as what is going on in my sitch. This is what happened today. WH was coming to get the kids at 9am. He called DS9 at 850 and said he was on his way. Then DS9 looked at me and said "OK." and then hung up

DS9 said, "Mommy I know the answer will be no. And daddy knows the answer will be no." I said, "DS9 just tell me." and he said "Daddy wants to know if you want a ride to work." I said, "Buddy you know Daddy can't pass messages." Then WH was here. He stayed outside for a while. The kids got ready and left. I went outside and noticed WH had shoveled the walkway. I actually missed my bus and started walking to work in a BLIZZARD. I walked for 1/2 an hour and then decided to call a cab. I am so stubborn hehehehehehe.

It made me feel GOOD though. I KNOW I don't need anyone I CAN DO THIS.

It is the same feeling that I had when I was 20 and didn't talk to my parents for a year and realized that I could make it on my own(although I had WH to lean on). I guess I had to realize that I don't NEED ANYONE(except you guys right now hehehehehe)


Last edited by Scotland; 01/03/10 07:15 PM.

BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 537
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 537
your doing awesome..... a true inspiration for everyone. Your personal growth is doing quite well at this stage. Scot you just have to keep saying you know you can you know you can.... just like the little engine that could.... hehe


Truth can stand on it's own two feet....A lie needs support....FRM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Thank You. That is what I am saying over and over again. I can't believe how strong I am becoming on my own. I miss WH terribly but it is not the be all and end all of my existence. Instead I am trying to grow in to a person I can be truly happy to be. I thought I needed to recapture the strength I had before, but now I realize that it isn't the same as before, it is DIFFERENT and in so, it is BETTER.

My strength before I had children was all out of insecurities and "pretending". The strength I am finding now is REAL and EMPOWERING. I do have bad moments where I think about what I want and what I am doing, but then I remember that I felt that way in Plan A too but I have a time limit. Until that time limit is reached, I STICK WITH PLAN.

Would it have been easier to get a ride? Of course it would. Would it have taught me anything? Nope. It would have taught my WH that my boundaries are easily moved and it would have taught my children that affairs have no consequences. They may have even started accepting this fantasy as a REALITY and that would have done a disservice to the WORLD.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,738
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,738
@Scotland,

I never had to go to Plan B. Thank you for showing me that I need to learn to be a stronger and better man, just as if I had.


Doormat_No_More
(Formerly Barnboy)
Original thread lost in the forum purge of '09.
4 months after D-Day
1 year after D-Day
Two Years Later
Four Years Later
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
AHHHHHHH a little venting has to be done right now. Putting the kids to bed and DS9 says, "daddy said that he is going to ask IMs about keeping us over on Saturday night because it is too much gas to come back and forth Saturday and then Sunday." I replied, although I really shouldn't have. I said, "Hunny that isn't ok with me because I don't want you sleeping in OW house. If Daddy had some place else to take you I would be okay with it.

That is not the only feelings I am feeling though. I am feeling that it wasn't a problem how far away she lived when he went to her house to carry on the affair all these months/years. He never had a problem with the traveling time and money it was costing US then. The feelings and knowledge that my children would sleep in that POSOW's house drives me BATTY.

I of course am going to tell the IMs that this is not okay with me. I don't know if WH knows this or not but he COULD do it. We don't have a custody arrangement signed yet so he really could. But what could I do? I could also keep them the next time he is supposed to get them and that would hurt who? the kids.

Thanx for the vent laugh


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
I don't think that was a bad thing to say at all.

Your DS needs to know that it's NOT OK with you to expose him to the skank. Even if his dad ends up doing just that, he needs to hear from the sane parent in his life that taking kids around trampy garden utensils is wrong.

And his talking to you was probably much less about carrying messages than DS feeling a sick lump in his gut telling him it would be horrible, and hoping to have that validated by you.

Which you did, and bravo!


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,772
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,772
I also think you did well. You listened and responded to his feelings and told him, as a parent, why you were NOT ok with that situation. If you had gone into "well he certainly didn't have problems with the gas money all the other times he was seeing OW..."....well THAT would have been inappropriate. But you knew that which is why you didn't go there. Instead, you kept it focused on son's question and your very proper parental response.

You did great!

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,083
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,083
You did great! You separated the issue about staying over night with their father - which in a son's eyes is great - to staying over night with OW. They will see clearly that you don't object to them being with their father, only her.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Thanx. I knew that I responded correctly. This morning I woke up and I was still mad about it. I am securely in MAD today. I know this is part of it so it doesn't scare me. I have been walking around the house yelling at things(don't worry the kids are at school). I even flicked the picture of WH that I have on my fridge.

It's the little things that drive me crazy and make me angry. That's why it is good that I don't communicate with him so I don't have to deal with it daily.

I am a tiny bit glad that WH told DS9 and DS9 told me so that I had a heads up and could think of my response to IMs without giving them any mad talk.

I am trying very hard not to talk to them about the feelings behind my decisions so they won't be involved in the drama of it.

MAD MAD MAD day today so I am gonna have to find something to do to make me happier. It is still SNOWING outside today and will be until Wednesday. There has already been a foot and a half just yesterday. Maybe I will take my camera out and get some good winter pictures. The kids are loving it too. OHHHHH Winter in Canada laugh


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344
Please post your pictures of this stuff called "snow."

I'd LOVE to see them. The last time we got this "snow" stuff in this city was in 1989.



I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

Recovered!
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Okay so I figured out the response that I am going to give the Ims about the kids sleeping over on Saturday night.

I am going to say, "I am NOT okay with them spending the night at OW house. If there was some other place he could take them where they weren't exposed to OW then I would be okay with it. I also will tell them that I could find a sitter to take the children on Saturday so he only has to make the one trip."

I think that should be a good response. laugh


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,499
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,499
Scotty,

First off let me tell you I am in wonder of your strength during Plan B. I haven't chimed in much because Plan B isn't my specialty, but you are doing GREAT!!

I wouldn't suggest finding a babysitter though. It is good to reiterate your boundaries on exposing the kids to OW, but it is not your job to make this any easier on him. Let HIM find an alternative solution. This is how it would be in a divorce. He'll figure it out.....he's a big boy, even if he's a foggy one.... grin

Keep plugging along sweetie. You are doing marvelous!!!

Not2fun

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
It doesn't always feel like I am doing marvelous. I read other people's threads(older ones and people who went through this too) and I see how some of them had contact to their WS. I am trying my best to keep absolutely dark and it is what part of Plan B is. There are times where it would be easier to just talk to WH and tell him the things that are bugging me about what he is doing but that be a MAJOR LB and would not be good at all. That's what keeps me DARK AS NIGHT. I can't trust myself to not LB him with what I am feeling right now.

I know that there would be a chance that if I did NOTHING(not follow MB) that we could have gotten back together. We would not have been happy and eventually one of us would have decided that this wasn't working anymore. But with MB I know that there is a chance. It might be a slim chance and it is GOING to be HARD WORK if we get there. I just want to be able to say that I DID MY BEST.

I hate when I feel like this but I know that it is part of the process. I realize that I feel like this right after I hear anything about WH or he does something or says something that makes it harder on me. I guess this is teaching me about patience and how not to LB. I am going to buy the LB book and read that too. I need to know as much about who I am and who I want to be to be happy. Looking inside myself, I know that I am NOT a bad person. There are things that I don't know about how to be who I want so I have to learn as much as I can. Either way I will learn from this and I WILL BE BETTER.

Wow this SUCKS.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 4,458
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 4,458
Two things, Scotland, from Neak's Maternal Unit: (1) I'm glad somebody else already said my first reaction to the transportation "problem"--if he wants to have them brought to him, you shouldn't be the one footing the expense of it. I'm pretty much positive that he'd never pay it for you, if the situation was reversed. (2) Staying dark to avoid LBs is an excellent idea. It's the main reason I severely limit my interactions with my oldest adopted grandson (16 years and 2 days old). If you've read Neak's story, I'm pretty sure it contained at least a small part of what this family has undergone due to the molestation/abuse of the adoptees (while they were still in the care of their biological mother), and how that spilled over into Neak's family when her own children were molested by 2 of their cousins. I'd do a full Plan B on that kid if I could, but it's not possible, so I just try to ignore him whenever possible. I know that once I get started, turning off my "spigot" will be nearly impossible, and I will never be able to take back what I've said in the heat of anger. So I do my best to keep quiet and leave the talking to Neaksis, who is MUCH better at dealing with his pathology than I am. You are very wise to keep quiet and out of conversations where your risk of losing control is high.

I commend you.

tl

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
Quote
I commend you.


I do too.

I don't think I've ever seen anyone get MB and its plans as well as you.

WH's last memories of you are good ones. He'd like nothing better than to get you to LB him so he can justify his A.

And you're absolutely correct about recovery. Thanks to Plan B, you are in the driver's seat when/if he wants to recover the M.




Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
At some point Scot WH is going to remember how awesome you are and the romanticism of his A will be replaced by who you are to him.

If not then he must be really screwed up IMO.

As you have said you will be fine either way and will be better off if he doesn't get it together.

I for one am impressed by how well you are doing and the completly Dark Plan B will definatly bring good results for you.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,738
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,738
Remember how long it took Sue to want to leave Greg and return to her husband in the book "Surviving An Affair"? Hint: It never happened except for a couple of false recoveries. Greg had to dump her first.

Be strong. Take things one day at a time. Stick to your plan. Be open to the possibility of reconciliation, but if it happens know that it might be because OW dumped WH, even if he might spin it as the other way around. And there's a better-than-even chance he'll never come back.

No matter what, stick to your plan. It's your best chance, and you'll come out OK in the end: either reconciled with your spouse, or alone yet unafraid and with no lingering remorse over a hasty divorce.


Doormat_No_More
(Formerly Barnboy)
Original thread lost in the forum purge of '09.
4 months after D-Day
1 year after D-Day
Two Years Later
Four Years Later
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
When are the kids birthdays?

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240


Day 17 turned out to be a pretty low day. First I woke up ANGRY and now I am going to bed SAD. The "what ifs" keep crawling in to my head today. I guess I turned the anger into sad. I hope tomorrow I can turn the sad into not sad. That is my biggest expectation for myself tomorrow...NOT SAD. I can hope I will get more but NOT SAD will be better than today.

I watched a motivational speaker on TV today and a lot of what he was talking about seemed to resonate with me. It was really an eye opening experience on how to treat people in life. It was aimed at workplace but he said that you could use it in every kind of relationship in your life. I think parts of it is what made me think and made me a little sad.

Well, I am going to get some sleep so I can feel better tomorrow.

Last edited by Scotland; 01/05/10 04:46 AM.

BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Quote
Ds6 birthday is on Jan 21st

Planning a 7-year-old-boy-party?

I used to love hosting kids parties.

Our rule was, 7 years old = 7 guests. 8 years old = 8 guests. And so on.

I'm sure you'll make it special.

Page 40 of 199 1 2 38 39 40 41 42 198 199

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5