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I would be very careful in moving on if it meant seeking another relationship. I am sure you are aware that there are many broken men out there that mighthave a hero complex or worse, looking for an easy mark.

Take the time to mourn this loss,(if it becomes one permenantly), before your desire to be loved and the pain you are experiancing gets you into a relationship that makes you "feel" better. I say this because IMO you are an awesome young lady and probably will find someone who cares about you very easily. You also seem very capable of emotional bonding with someone in the future.


I know in my case, having been in a difficult marriage for many years I will probably not marry again or seek any commited relationships. At my age that also excludes sex because in reality, sex outside marriage really is BS. A 'commited" relationship just so I could have sex would also be half-baked and I know it. I am not saying that something couldn't happen some day but it would take years after I do some much needed work on myself before I will even entertain anything seriuos. The last thing,(no pun intended), I will be doing is sleeping with someone because I need to bond or take the relationship to the next level puke Gags me to think how so many ppl use sex to fix thier problems or ego.
When my children,(now DD25 DS22 and DS18), were young and at that age where peer pressure about love and sex and and freindship all were questions to them I told them. "Being someones friend is loving them, don't worry, when the time comes and you have grown up enough to really learn how to love someone and you get married, all your parts will work just fine"
Their Moms examples later in life didn't help to keep them from experimenting but they still have had better relationships in their lives than either myself or my late wife did in our youth so I am glad for that small blessing.

I remember how I felt after my first marriage fell apart and the inventory I took on myself that I SWORE I would deal with before I ever got married again. I was married at 18 to HS GF and I was not ready to be nor was she. It ended with her getting Preg from another guy and we had a child we put up for adoption when 1st wife couldn't bond with him. It was a mess to say the least and after breaking up and me having flings with women later that were designed to make me feel better I examined what I needed to be whole before I sought out someone I could spend the time with and have a relationship with that would be the love of my life. Ya know dinner,dancing,presents,trips to club med, what have you. I had a 6 year plan that would bring me to a carreer goal and then I could afford to support my child from the first marriage, seek couseling for me, sort out my past and live in the moment.
My mistake was trying to date at that time. The thoughts like I deserve to be happy and the opinions of many ppl around me who built me up and looked up to me fueled my blindspot that relationships would take more out of me than I really had to give at the moment. My dating experiance eventually brought me to a relationship where we both sympathised with each other because we recognized how unfair our past life experiances and marriages were and decided to support one another, then we "fell" in love. With all the noble ideals we held and all the fight we had in us we struggled to fix our past and build a future. Niether of us had our heads screwed on straight enough yet and we would have been better friends to each other to keep it at arms length. "Fools rush in where angels fear to tread". Soon a child came and we sacrificed our own emotional and mental health,(as in couselling and building ourselves individually) providing for thier well being as it should be. Niether of us really got to the place where we were both healthy and happy with any real stability although we did live our lives with a dedication to our children and family and to God as we understood him at the time.


You are young and this is your first marriage,(I think you said that B4), You might not believe this but in time you will find a freedom that beats the heck outta any relationship that requires you to be cheated on and hurt like this. If WH comes back and you guys both heal it could be gloriuos and you certainly are doing what is the only thing you can do to show him that. If he stays with POSOW and ruins his life that is not your problem.

I hope that you take your sweet time and love life to the fullest while you heal and give time for your "picker" to adjust. Like your sig says, "Scars remind us where we've been, they don't have to dictate where we are going". I guess all this stuff Im spewin out here is designed to warn you that your internal picker is prolly damaged right now and you are very vulnerable. There is no set time when you will be ready to get into another relationship if your marriage does not go into recovery and growth. When you are happy just as you are and are living life to the fullest without romance depending on someone else will probably be one goal that you want to shoot for.

I know your sitch is not mine and I hope it never would/could/will be but I wouldn't be a freind if I didn't warn you. Being a guy I hesitate to counsel women not because I think any EAs will come out of it but more because I think women can counsel them better than I. Still doesn't mean that I wont warn someone if I think it warrents it. If this warning about relationships is way off base and unfounded you don't need to explain just tell me to shut up
sigh

Rooting for ya Scotty

Last edited by SortedSomeOut; 02/01/10 11:29 PM.

Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
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I am glad to get everyone's input. I don't intend on dating EVER again to be honest. I am MADLY in love with my WH and don't see how it would EVER be fair to someone else to not have all of me.

I dated a lot of "boys" when I was younger(my WH and I started dating when I was 16). All of the "boys" I dated cheated on my and 3 of them even got other girls pregnant since I wouldn't do SF, so they found someone else. I was at the point where I didn't want to deal with the drama and I decided that men sucked. Then I met WH and I fell in love. He was nothing like my old bf's(they were bad boys who slept around, I was WH's 1st GF and he was 18). He was nice, and quiet. My family and friends loved him. It was a "perfect" match. Don't beat me with the 2x4's, I was a TEENAGER.

I decided that this was it for me. When my WH and I married, I decided that no matter which way this R ended (either D or death) that I wouldn't need to date again. I have what I needed from a relationship with exception to the "for life" part. I could never fully trust someone again and that would not be fair for that person. Also, I have my children to think about.

I am not even thinking about dating again, let alone any time in the near future. I am focused on recovering from this heartache but just to be alone. I am okay with alone. My grandma is 86 years old and almost 40 years ago, she left my grandfather. He was involved in an A and she didn't want to stay with him. She never dated again and she is happy. Her sister's H died when she was 35 and she never dated again either. That sounds good to me and has always been what my plan was.

I didn't want to tell how long I had planned on doing Plan B because I didn't want to defend myself. My Plan is actually longer than some people would recommend(even Dr H himself). It is my choice and I will do what I think best. I am not "waiting around" but I am not "moving on" with anyone else either. I am just recovering and working on ME ME ME.

Thanx for looking out for me though.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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Longer is ok, if you still want it when you get there. By the famous 2yr mark the odds go way down, but there is still a small chance, even then.

Good to have a goal, and good to have the flexibility to be willing to change according to the situation.

Sounds like the kids put Cheerios down the heater vent again - it runs down past the wall of our room and makes little rattling noises. I don't care enough to go up and find out. Zzzzzzzz.

smile


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Originally Posted by Neak
..Sounds like the kids put Cheerios down the heater vent again - it runs down past the wall of our room and makes little rattling noises. I don't care enough to go up and find out. Zzzzzzzz.
smile
rotflmao
So funny, I remember when my sons were told they had to clean out the Gerbil cage and desided to stuff the crap downthe bathromm sink drain, hence clogging the pipes and ruining the plumbing.. Its those memories huh?

Hey Scotty, My mom was married to my Dad for 20 yearsand when he started goin on about wanting a divorce she went to counselling for 2 years with her pastor weekly untill after my dads consistently got worse and said he had a GF the Pastor said "well time to give it to him then".

She never slept with any other man,(she was beautiful woman too) before or since then and in her 80s goes out and socializes and has a great life. So I am all for ya Gal WOOHOO dance2

Last edited by SortedSomeOut; 02/01/10 11:42 PM.
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Scotty,
Your Plan B timeline is yours and yours alone. I think everyone here would like nothing better than to see you happy and healthy. If it takes you two years or more so be it. Keep jumping over those hurdles. You'll be ready to move on when you're ready. I have no doubt that at the end of it all, whichever way it goes, YOU WILL BE FINE.


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Thanx. I KNOW I will be fine, it just sucks getting there. I know that I have to do all of the steps to get there, but some of them seem harder than others. I can't believe how far I have come in these short months and I have Dr H, MB, and more importantly all of you who took your time out to help me, to thank for it. Even people who no longer post have helped me since I have read MANY MANY threads.

Plan B is HARD, but it is funny how much better I feel day to day. There are bad days, but before, every day was a bad day. I even find myself lost in a moment and then I realize that I didn't think about my WH at all for 5, 10, even 20 minutes. That is personal recovery. My life is going on and if my M recovers too, that would be a BONUS.

13 years ago, there was an incident that happened with my father that cause my parents and I not to talk for 1 year. I guess you could say it was like I plan B's them. We ran in to each other at the grocery store and my Mom sent me a Christmas card. We started talking again after that. I learned that I needed to get away from them to grow up. I realized that I didn't "need" them but I did want them in my life. That was a great time of personal growth. I look at this as another chance for that. Even if my WH wakes up and decides to come back to the M, I will know that I don't "need" him. That is good for me.

Now if only I could figure out what I want to be when I grow up. HAHAHAHAHA

Neak, so funny about the cheerios. Only parents could understand things like that. laugh


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Well well well. Some REALITY is hitting WH right between the eyes at this exact moment. My DS9 is telling him about the counselor that I took him to today. I told him that he didn't have to hide anything from WH. I am proud of my DS9 for opening up to WH. I realized today that my WH has passed on his ability to avoid hurtful sitch in trying to make them go away. We all know that doesn't work. It is nice when counselors are telling me that I am doing the right things so far. THIS IS A GREAT FEELING. Sometimes the little things make me feel good too.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Spoken like a true care-giver and great Mom

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Honesty the entitlement that WS's have is UNBELIEVABLE. So WH sent DSx2 an email stating that he will be picking up the boys tomorrow for the bday party at his sister's and that the kids will be spending the weekend with him. UMMMMMM NO F'ING WAY. He stated that he sent a message to the IMs. OKAY. Good for him using the IMs but they didn't call me yet and I DID NOT SAY OKAY. Of course I am also NOT saying OKAY. AHHHHHH just when I started to feel okay again this week, he decides to push boundaries again. Oh well. Let it roll off of my back and pretend that he didn't even write to them. DARK PLAN B DARK PLAN B DARK PLAN B.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Originally Posted by MicheleG
Scotty,
Your Plan B timeline is yours and yours alone. I think everyone here would like nothing better than to see you happy and healthy. If it takes you two years or more so be it. Keep jumping over those hurdles. You'll be ready to move on when you're ready. I have no doubt that at the end of it all, whichever way it goes, YOU WILL BE FINE.

I agree with this. You will know when you know, having a date helps you get there I imagine. YOU WILL BE FINE!


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I called IM's to let them know what WH had planned and tha it was not okay with me. I asked them to call my WH and tell him that the boys will be available as agreed upon on Saturday from 9-630 and Sunday from 9-630. WH also called DS9 and told him that there was an email and that he would be picking up the kids tomorrow. I explained to DS9 that WH didn't have an okay from me for these plans and that it wasn't something that he should have told DS9 without knowing it was going to happen first. I explained that WH wants to have them for the whole weekend and that is not okay with me and not what we agreed upon. DS9 said that he didn't want to sleep over at POSOW's house anyways. I told him again that "what Daddy is doing is against the rules, because we are still married. That Daddy shouldn't have introduced them to POSOW at all and that it is wrong. If Daddy didn't want to be married anymore, he should have gotten a D first and then he could have a GF, but not while he was still M."

I know it was a lot but I know that he could understand that.

DS7 said that when WH comes tomorrow, we will just pretend that we aren't even here. I am going to unplug the answering machine and turn off my cell phone until his normal time for calling.

I hate having to deal with this kind of thing but I know it is nothing compared to what I could and will have to deal with in the future.

OKAY I need a MAJOR 2x4 for his one. I checked his phone logs to see if he did call IMs on Monday like he emailed that he did. He may have tried to but he called the bar that he plays pool for instead. I guess he must have dialed the wrong number. No wonder there was no message from IMs.

I think I may have to get my BF to text WH some time tomorrow if IMs don't call me by noon and she can become my back up IM when needed as she has internet access and a cell phone. I didn't think it would be that much of a problem and I knew he would feel MORE comfortable talking to them.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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In case my IMs don't call me in time, this is the text message I would like my back-up IM to send, "WS, It is BS's BF, I am back up IM. The boys will be available on Sat9-630 and sun9-630 as agreed/planned/usual." What do you think?

Last edited by Scotland; 02/04/10 09:55 PM.

BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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That sounds good, just be prepared for venom.

He doesn't like that he can't see them whenever he wants. He feels 'hey I am the dad so I shouldn't be made to see my kids only when so-and-so says so.'


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Oh I know that, and I am prepared. The thing is, I think he is underestimating my venom too. With this week so far, I am getting a lot angrier than I have been sine Nov 27th when I actually truly "found out". I KNOW what my legal rights are and I know that I did nothing wrong. I will not do anything to hurt my children but I will also do EVERYTHING to protect them. DS9 said that if WH tried to keep them overnight that he would tell him that he wanted to go home. There is no custody agreement yet(just because I know that they would enforce every other weekend, overnight) but I wouldn't do anything to keep the kids away from WH. I am doing what is best for my kids. I am just really frustrated.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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You are doing what is best for your kids. You tell WH that he must abide by the agreement. If you violate that agreement a judge will pay attention to that...and that will make things slant in WHs favor.

'She violates the agreement, why should she have so much time?'


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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There is no agreement legally, there is just my addendum to my Plan B letter which was a slight change to what we had discussed before I went in to Plan B. The slight change is that he wanted to watch the children IN OUR HOME. Of course, that wasn't going to happen. He gets every Sunday 9-630 and every other Saturday 9-630 with another day optional(if he would call the IM's to set it up). It is fair, but he isn't happy that he has to drive both Saturday and Sunday because it costs too much for gas(WH actually said that to DS9).

DS9 and DS7 don't WANT to sleep over there anyways, so maybe he will just see it as a problem.



BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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So, I have been thinking about it all night and I have come up with a PLAN. WH didn't actually contact the IMs although he thought he did. So I treat it like he didn't even say anything and I just don't acknowledge it at all. I think that will be what I do. The boys know that WH wants to come here and pick them up for the night, but they don't want to go. They said we would just sit here and when he comes, we would just ignore that he is here. I am not totally sure that I shouldn't get my BF to send him the text. Any thoughts? Which way should I do it?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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>. So I treat it like he didn't even say anything and I just don't acknowledge it at all.

That is what you should do.

You totally rock.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

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Originally Posted by Dealan-de
>. So I treat it like he didn't even say anything and I just don't acknowledge it at all.

That is what you should do.

You totally rock.

I agree. laugh

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Okay, I have a question about a different sort. It is about children. I got a call from the school principal today. Apparently DS7 was refusing to listen to his teacher or do any work. He was lying on the floor. The principal had to go in to the classroom and tell him to get up and then brought him to his office. DS7, after a half an hour, still refused to work and decided it would be more fun to sit in the principal's office. The principal called me and told me that this was the 5th time in a short while that he had to speak to DS7(I only knew of 1 other time). He said that I could come and pick up DS7 or he could spend the rest of the day in the office.

I went to the school, and talked to DS7 and told him that he could not have his friend come over today after school and he would not be allowed to play video games or on the computer since he was going home. Here is my dilemma, he decided that he would stay at school and listen to the teacher for the rest of the day. Do I still let his friend come over? or do I tell him that we will have to try again another day? It is hard for me because DS9 is a different kind of child in that he has always been easier to deal with. Any wisdom would be greatly appreciated.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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