|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
ML, does that mean that your DH no longer eats Chinese food and you no longer eat Mexican? If so, wouldn't THAT be sacrifice? It would be a sacrifice in the sense that quitting smoking was a sacrifice for me, but I was rewarded with a BETTER REPLACEMENT. In my marriage, the better replacement is a list of restaurants that makes us BOTH happy. Even though I LOVE mexican food, I love my H more and appreciate having great dinners with him in places I know he is happy. I am not asking to be difficult. But I have seen a very simlar incomatiblity in my own marriage, which was there BEFORE we married. I just never realized it would be such a big deal to me. Even though you were incompatible before marriage, you can learn it afterwards. We were probably very incompatible too, but we had to learn compatibility. We have the means to do other things, like Atlantic Cruises, or trips within the contintental US via driving/train, and I can enthusaistically agree to do these things. But going to London together will never happen. And it seems incompatible with MB for me to go to Europe on my own.
Can you gameplay a solution to this situation? The solution would be to find another way to go to London [by ship] or to find another destination about which you are both enthusiastic.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
p.s. If I never ate Mexican food again, it wouldn't bother me a bit. But I do eat it when I go out to lunch with coworkers or take clients.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
ML, does that mean that your DH no longer eats Chinese food and you no longer eat Mexican? If so, wouldn't THAT be sacrifice? Here is another reason why this isn't a sacrifice. How much do you enjoy eating with someone who HATES being in the restaurant you have chosen? I hate it. When my H is miserable, I am miserable and we both end up resentful. I have even pulled the trick of railroading him into agreeing to a particular restaurant without his enthusiastic agreement. I regretted it. He was so resentful that he complained about the traffic all the way over there and then when we got there, he found fault in everything. So, even forcing him into compliance with my personal interests AT HIS EXPENSE, did not benefit me in any way. He was miserable, I was miserable. So even if I NEVER ate Mexican again, I wouldn't miss that.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
So, you do eat these beloved foods when you are apart, and that's not a problem in the Marriage Builders paradigm?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437 |
As long as her H is okay with her eating Mexican food with others, then yes, it fits. If she were to hide it from him, or worse, rub it in his face how much she enjoyed it, so much more than the places they go together, then that's a problem!
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
So, you do eat these beloved foods when you are apart, and that's not a problem in the Marriage Builders paradigm? Eating lunch with coworkers?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
As long as her H is okay with her eating Mexican food with others, then yes, it fits. If she were to hide it from him, or worse, rub it in his face how much she enjoyed it, so much more than the places they go together, then that's a problem! bingo!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437 |
So, you do eat these beloved foods when you are apart, and that's not a problem in the Marriage Builders paradigm? Eating lunch with coworkers? Depends on the coworkers. 
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
This post, by Star*Fish, also discusses the GIVER/TAKER.
The Giver is the part of you that follows the rule: do whatever you can to make the other person happy and avoid anything that makes the other person unhappy, even if it makes you unhappy. It's the part of you that wants to make a difference in the lives of others, and it grows out of a basic instinct that we all share, a deep reservoir of love and concern for those around us.
But the Giver is only half of the story. The other half is the Taker. It's the part of you that follows the rule: do whatever you can to make yourself happy and avoid anything that makes yourself unhappy, even if it makes others unhappy. It's the part of you that wants the most out of life, and it grows out of your basic instinct for self-preservation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The giver is all about love and concern and the taker is our selfish side...so how can the giver be bad, or the taker be good?
Everybody recognizes the "good" in the giver and how giving can enhance relationships, but here's how a "bad" giver can ruin your marriage if all your marital choices are made solely selflessly:
*your giver is not honest....he won't tell your spouse what you need because he more concerned about your spouse feels, whether your spouse gets his needs met, than protecting your interests or your feelings. If your spouse asks the giver if it's okay to do something....even something you don't want to do...the giver says okay.
*your giver is the one who creates resentment...all that dishonesty cloaked in care....leads to misunderstandings, mixed signals, missed opportunities. The giver thinks...my spouse should KNOW what I need....just like I know what he needs.
*your giver is your martyr....endless giving creates the ever suffering spouse. Givers are praised for their selflessness, but they become very unhappy until all that's left is to somehow enjoy the pain....and get what secondary gain that offers.
*givers avoid risk and change...no rocking the boat...who knows what could happen? Nope, givers like safety....even when that involves enduring discomfort.
*givers believe in unconditional love...because they don't ask for conditions. They just give.
*givers handle your tender emotions...fear, sadness, care, consideration. They also tend to be weepy and needy.
We all know how "bad" the taker can be....afterall he's the guy who makes selfish demands, angry outbursts and most of our other LBs. But how can the taker be "good"?
*your taker is the guy you need at the negotiation table....because your giver will NOT create harmony, fairness, honesty in the dealings. Without your taker, your giver will create an environment of sacrifice....leading to resentment, anger and loss of love.
*your taker is honest about what you need and gives your spouse the information to CHOOSE to show you he loves you in the way that you would like it. He doesn't require mind reading...he lays it on the table.
*your taker fights for what you need and doesn't let you sit home three weekends in a row...he makes sure you're part of the fun.
*your taker is not an enabler or codependent.
*your taker saves your marriage as often as your giver does by making sure that reciprocity exists.
*your taker is willing to take risks and make changes.
As an example, I'd like to put forward my own marriage and how my giver undermined the happiness in my marriage for years. I NEVER went into negotiations with my taker....so I never even got close to getting what I wanted. I always put my husband first. But I wasn't happy. I didn't like it.....and I BLAMED HIM for not giving me what I wanted even though I wasn't honest and he didn't know how to please me. There is no negotiation without the taker...the giver just says "fine", do what you want. I lived with resentment every time he did what he wanted. I punished him for it too. And I was not someone who he would want to spend time with in the future either because I was pretty much angry all the time.
Letting my taker out saved my marriage. Oh to be sure, I couldn't let my taker rant and rage....but once he wasn't in chains all the time, he was far less volatile. My taker is the one who found out that my husband was actually willing and pretty enthusiastice about negotiation. Instead of the old pattern...H wants to do something...I say yes...then treat him badly. The new pattern goes like this....H wants to do something, I tell him how I might feel enthusiastic about that...we come to an agreement about how we can both get what we need....and I treat him well...and we both have fun! He gets to enjoy his activities without guilt. I know that I won't be neglected because we have also made plans together.
if you are complaining about your spouse getting away with "X Y Z" bad behavior
for a loooooooooong time,
your "GIVER" has set you up for resentments.
(word!) 
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
So, you do eat these beloved foods when you are apart, and that's not a problem in the Marriage Builders paradigm? Eating lunch with coworkers? Depends on the coworkers. Good point!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
It wasn't the coworkers; I was just thinking about some kind of contrast effect from engaging in a favorite activity (eating Chinese food) without one's spouse.
Maybe Mel's husband and I need to get together for Chinese food.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437 |
If Mel was leaving her H behind to go out for Mexican, that could be a problem. She's talking about lunch with co-workers, which her H wouldn't be present for anyway, and a gal's gotta eat!
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 1,178
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 1,178 |
Sadly, going by boat is NOT in the budget or in the timetable (it takes a LOT longer). Can I go to london with co-wrokers and eat mexican food as long as they are the same gender?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Can I go to london with co-wrokers and eat mexican food as long as they are the same gender? 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
p.s. If I never ate Mexican food again, it wouldn't bother me a bit. But I do eat it when I go out to lunch with coworkers or take clients.
My DH is a recovering alcoholic.
I don't sacrifice by not ordering alcohol when DH and I are out together (Mexican food sounds good right now).
I wait until I am out with a girlfriend(s), and then, if I want a drink, I have a drink.
My commitment to not being a source of unhappiness for my DH preempts my desire for an occasional drinky-poo.
If I NEVER had a Margarita again, I'll be fine.
If I occasionally have a Margarita with friends, DH is fine.
DH loves scary/gore-filled action flicks.
Not me.
We do not go to those movies together.
If I am unavailable/busy, DH goes to those movies with a male friend, or alone.
Same thing.
When we are together, we make sure we eat/drink/watch/do things that are mutually agreeable to us.
And, when we are not together, we make sure we avoid any activity that would cause each other unhappiness.
It's not rocket brain surgery science, here.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305 |
How about if you do not ever have an opportunity to enjoy your favorite things because you are not ever away from your spouse (by your own choice)?
I do not eat lunch with anyone except my h (if he is near by) or by myself. Every once in a great while there will be a department lunch of some sort that i attend but other than that i do not go to lunch with co-workers.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
How about if you do not ever have an opportunity to enjoy your favorite things because you are not ever away from your spouse (by your own choice)?
Is this a real question? Are you teasing me?
How about you POJA this/any/all dilemmas with your spouse?
Brainstorm honestly, and with abandon, until you find a mutually agreeable solution.
It doesn't do you any good to brainstorm with us 
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
How about if you do not ever have an opportunity to enjoy your favorite things because you are not ever away from your spouse (by your own choice)? I would ask why being with your spouse is not your favorite thing? If he is not your favorite thing then I would work on changing that.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305 |
I am not teasing. Being with my spouse is what I enjoy the most and he with me. However my problem is not what we eat but the fact that my h does not really like to go to (as I call them) �sit down restaurants�. He has lunch with me all the time and we sit down to eat but it is usually only fast food type things such as delis or things like that which are not really �sit down�.
He does not really like to go at dinner time although he will occasionally. And I am not close enough to any of my co-workers to go out to lunch with them (about 3 years ago my whole department of 24 people that I had worked with for 8 years was downsized to just me and then I was joined in my location by a department that already existed with co-worker bonds already formed). So I either have lunch with my h or I eat by myself and I do not really want to go to a �sit down restaurant� by myself.
Neither of us hangs out with anyone outside of work except each other so I would not have an opportunity to go with someone other than my children after work (which I have done) but I should not go without my h and I really do not enjoy myself if he is not there
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305 |
My point being that IMHO it is absolutely positively impossible to do this...... When we are together, we make sure we eat/drink/watch/do things that are mutually agreeable to us.
And, when we are not together, we make sure we avoid any activity that would cause each other unhappiness.
It's not rocket brain surgery science, here.
[/font] without some sacrifice on both parts.......
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
369
guests, and
54
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
