We're about 20 days past "d day." Let me preface this with our situation. We're both active duty Army officers. Due to her finishing school 1 year after me, she was one year behind in joining the Army, and the cumulative effect of that is that we haven't cohabitated in almost 2 years due to initial training. This fall was supposed to be the end of that. We are (were) going to be stationed together and actually live together again. We lived together for 2 years before being married, and dated a year before that. I'm currently in Afghanistan, until August.

I attempted to contact OM's spouse, she found out, confronted me, it all came out. Primarily an emotional affair since they're geographically separated. It was physical before they were separated. Her initial reaction was "I'm in love with him. I haven't been in love with you in a long time. I want out. There's nothing to work on and nothing to try for. I want a divorce NOW." She was extremely cold, emotionless, angry and hurtful. My initial reaction was that I loved her and she needed to stop this. We held those positions for about a week. Finally one night she broke, and agree to marriage counseling. A couple of sweet emails, then I didn't hear anything from her from a couple days. The next thing I got was a long email explaining how I had manipulated her into feeling bad, and I'm a terrible person and she's not happy and she wants out.

So another week goes by, the whole time I'm trying to stay positive and not be angry. I find the marriage builders basic concepts, and send them to her. The next time I talk to her she's telling me how much sense it all makes, how we weren't meeting each others needs, but now she sees, and she's so sorry. And we talked for about 3 days, VERY positively, with her assuring me that there would be no more contact with the OM, and she sent a "no contact" letter. We both read all of the basic concepts on here, and the Surviving Infidelity articles. She agreed to come live with me when I get back, and she was talking about our future again, how she wants a baby with my eyes, etc etc. She ordered the marriage builder book series for us as well. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, I talk to her this morning and she's again distant, almost emotionless. I asked her how she was feeling (since we've been sharing our feelings through the policy of radical honesty) and she said, "It would probably hurt you to feel." I asked her to tell me anyway, and it was, "I can't do this. I don't want to be with you. I don't want to stop talking to (the OM.) I want to talk to HIM about my feelings and I can't just stop. I'm in love with him. This isn't going to work, it's just not. I don't want it to."

I was devastated, having a panic attack. I thought we were over the hump, but then it's right back to where we started. I've arranged a sort of long distance marriage counseling with a marriage counselor here and one where she is, but when I asked her to go, she said she didn't want to, she already has an individual counselor. I told her that the marriage counselor could provide her a lot of support, and the supervision and accountability that she (just 2 days ago) admitted she needed to stay out of contact with the OM. She responded with "why the hell would I want to make myself accountable for something I don't want to do for something else that's not going to work."

I'm a very, very strong person. I've managed to remain positive through pretty much this entire ordeal. I feel like this situation would be radically different if I could be there to hold her hands and talk to her and support her. I've done my best to try to make the marriage a good place to be, but that's pretty difficult from the other side of the planet. Compared to someone that can talk to her on the same time zone, I'm sure she feels like she's giving up the man she's in love with for a marriage to someone that's not even there.

It's also worth noting that the OM is also an active duty Army officer, is 10 years older than us, and has a wife and three children. Her initial reaction was to feel extremely threatened by my attempt to contact the OM's wife, and accuse me of threatening her, and her career, etc. I promised her that I had no intention of telling her command. But the more she waffles and goes back and forth between us, and the more I read about exposure, the more I think that it may be the only way forward. She's told me that she's told her family and friends and they support her in getting a divorce. I'm not really sure what she's told them though.

It's true that exposing them might be extremely detrimental to their careers, since they're both still in training. I have easy communications with both of their commanders, and with her and my family. My family has no idea about any of this. At the same time, I'm extremely hesitant to burn her so bad, especially after promising not to.

I'm just not sure what to do next. She doesn't seem willing to let go of this OM, even though they have no future that I can see together. There's no way he's leaving his wife and kids (he's been in the Army as an NCO for some time) because he's too invested, and he'd lose so much in a divorce. But she doesn't acknowledge that. She just says I "don't understand the situation."

I've never cheated, or lied, and she's the first to say that I'm a great guy that deserves a great person. But she says that's not her.