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Think I should "spare her" the fact that everyone I came here with is leaving in a couple days, but I decided to stay?

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I get what you're saying, Jim.

I agree w/ you that Gerk needs to be creative and pique her interest.

But, he has to do it w/in his comfort zone. Maybe you could tweek his messages a bit. Or add a joke that would compliment it.




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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Think I should "spare her" the fact that everyone I came here with is leaving in a couple days, but I decided to stay?

No, I don't think you need to mention this. Right now your W is detached from you. Everything you do or say to her will be twisted in her mind...and held against you.

I would tell her about this after you are in recovery.

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Well she lived in brazil for years, and speaks portuguese, that's why I included the bit about the Portuguese CPT.

I am engaging her in topics of interest, and things that are happening here with me, but I don't feel the need to "spice them up." It just doesn't seem right to me. I'm trying to give our marriage a second chance, and the foundation for that is bare honesty. If it doesn't work, at least I'll know I tried my best and stayed true.

Once you get your WW engaged again and working on the marriage, then you can be completely open and honest again. Like my situation for example, my WW wanted to know how I found out about the second calling card she used to call OM. She used one calling card before, and I found it in her purse and tore it up. This time she bought a $5 card from a gas station, called OM from a payphone, and immediately threw it away. But I still found out. She wanted to know how I knew. And I wouldn't tell her. And she was furious. Well, several months after the fact when she was committed to the marriage again, I told her I knew she wouldn't be caught with a card again, so I was tracking her purchases online. I knew she always filled up her tank completely, and if she ever bought anything from the gas station, it was just a soda. So, when I saw a purchase at a gas station for the EXACT amount of $5, I KNEW it was for a $5 pre-paid calling card, the same amount she had bought the previous time. I also shared with her the spy software that I had on the computer. All is fair in the heart of the battle. You can easily exaggerate some stories, and then when you are reconciling, you can say, "I may have exaggerated a few stories there for a while to pique your interest," and all will be forgotten. Remember, humor and laughter can be some of the most powerful tools for re-engaging her and whittling down that wall she has up, especially self-depricating humor.

Here is a juiced up example:

"You won't believe what happened to me today. I was working on the server and I got completely zapped to hell. It felt like I was getting tasered. And the worst part was, I was working for a few hours staight and I had a couple of Mt. Dews in the morning, so I kinda had to go, so when I got zapped, I...pissed myself a little. I hoped no one else saw it. Thank god for those camouflage pants and the different shades of green, or it would have been completely obvious. I'll definitely be more careful next time AND go to the bathroom before I mess with that server again."

That might be a little over the top, but you get the point. It sounds a lot better than, "I got shocked by the server today." I would definitely include the shocking in your email. You WANT her to feel a little worry. That will make her aware that she still cares about you. I would mention it, not make a big deal of it, but kinda follow it up with a little funny retort after mentioning it. Something to liven up the conversation a little but still "stay true."


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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Originally Posted by Marshmallow
I get what you're saying, Jim.

I agree w/ you that Gerk needs to be creative and pique her interest.

But, he has to do it w/in his comfort zone. Maybe you could tweek his messages a bit. Or add a joke that would compliment it.

That's exactly what I'm saying. Tell her about the electrocution, and add a little self-depricating joke along with it.

Last edited by jmwc95; 05/06/10 02:23 PM.

Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Think I should "spare her" the fact that everyone I came here with is leaving in a couple days, but I decided to stay?

Oh you can tell her about this.......when SHE asks. You definitely wouldn't LIE about it.


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Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

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Originally Posted by Marshmallow
Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Think I should "spare her" the fact that everyone I came here with is leaving in a couple days, but I decided to stay?

No, I don't think you need to mention this. Right now your W is detached from you. Everything you do or say to her will be twisted in her mind...and held against you.

I would tell her about this after you are in recovery.

This isn't being open and honest. But again, it's not always the best idea to be open and honest with a WW. That part comes in recovery. This is just another example of what I was trying to say. You fight the battle to win.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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Quote
This isn't being open and honest. But again, it's not always the best idea to be open and honest with a WW. That part comes in recovery. This is just another example of what I was trying to say. You fight the battle to win.


You're right it isn't. And you're also right that it is not always best to be H & O w/ a WS.

I didn't suggest Gerk tell his W about his shock in order to practice H & O, I did it b/c I hope it may inspire some feelings for him.

The point I was making about his managing his W's feelings was to give him a heads up about it. That when/if the day arrives when his W is on board w/ MB princples, he needs to becareful of his desire to manage her feelings. Too many people have this dynamic in their M, and it is not helpful to either of them.


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LOL!! @ your additions to Gerk's story!

Quote
Remember, humor and laughter can be some of the most powerful tools for re-engaging her and whittling down that wall she has up, especially self-depricating humor.

This is SOOO true, Gerk. Laughter is the best medicine.

Many couples in recovery will go to comedy clubs. They need to have FUN together...laugh together!

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Laughter is the best medicine.


Just wanted to correct this...

"A cheerful heart is good medicine" Proverbs 17:22

Had to quote the Scripture for ya, Gerk! laugh

LOL


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Originally Posted by Marshmallow
Quote
This isn't being open and honest. But again, it's not always the best idea to be open and honest with a WW. That part comes in recovery. This is just another example of what I was trying to say. You fight the battle to win.


You're right it isn't. And you're also right that it is not always best to be H & O w/ a WS.

I didn't suggest Gerk tell his W about his shock in order to practice H & O, I did it b/c I hope it may inspire some feelings for him.

The point I was making about his managing his W's feelings was to give him a heads up about it. That when/if the day arrives when his W is on board w/ MB princples, he needs to becareful of his desire to manage her feelings. Too many people have this dynamic in their M, and it is not helpful to either of them.

I know. I was trying to point out that when he said he wanted to use MB principles to be open and honest with his WW, now is not exactly the time to start that policy.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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Got it, Jim! smile

We're on the same page!

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Originally Posted by Marshmallow
Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Think I should "spare her" the fact that everyone I came here with is leaving in a couple days, but I decided to stay?

No, I don't think you need to mention this. Right now your W is detached from you. Everything you do or say to her will be twisted in her mind...and held against you.

I would tell her about this after you are in recovery.

If she asks, you can say (slightly changing the wording from a previous post of yours.

Quote
I have my opcon CoC that desperately wants me to stay because they would be hosed without me, and have no replacement on the horizon. So they're duking it out with my statside CoC. My opcon chain of command has a lot more GOs pulling for them, so they won out.

Again, O&H is not necessarily compatible with a WW. Once/if she is a FWW, then you can fully implement that policy.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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Originally Posted by Marshmallow
I agree w/ you that Gerk needs to be creative and pique her interest.

But, he has to do it w/in his comfort zone.

Again, be yourself. But be the most fun, intersting, entertaining you that you can be. That is the take-home lesson.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Good Morning Gurka,

Another Friday in the sandbox! Hope you got to sleep in late today and don't have much to do...

I forgot to ask, have you heard back from your BN Cdr on whether or no to send the additional phone records in? If you told us already, I either missed it, or I've forgotten. confused

I agree that you have to be yourself. Any attempt to go outside of your 'normal' character will most likely be seen by your WW as an attempt to manipulate her. You know her best, so I think that your e-mails are right on target.

Semper Fi,

RIF

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ok, RIF and Gerka! We have spies on you fellas over there: rotflmao



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Got an email from her:
If you keep sending me money even though I have asked you not to I will keep taking it, seeing as how you are putting me further into debt right now. This is not some kind of test and it doesn't mean there is any hope. You tried (unsuccessfuly) to have me accused of a crime. You have killed any chance there was of it working out. Stop writing me chatty letters, don't try to come see me. You turned this into a war, don't try to act like we are still friends

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And no RIF, BN CO never asked for the additional phone records.

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Gerka, I don't know if this is MB or not but my reaction to that is to send her an email saying "ok, I won't contact you again, I won't send any more money, I won't try to be your friend."

Then GO DARK. Go really, really dark. I am an FWW. I spouted all sorts of crap. See how she likes it when suddenly, Gerka is gone.

I would bet, I would really bet that if you go dark you will hear from her again.

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I don't see how I'm putting her further into debt... lawyer's fees? She still seems to accept no responsibility for her role in this situation at all. I killed any chance. I turned this into a war. It's all my fault. Pffft.

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