Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
The only thing it's making me doubt is whether or not she is ever going to be someone I want to be with again. She's delusional to the point where I think she must be mentally ill. Like she's believing her own lies, like the affair never happened. It's consistently disappointing to communicate with her. I'm glad she didn't answer the phone earlier, because I didn't want to talk to her. She's demonizing me to her family and friends, damage that I'm not sure can ever be undone. And for what? She's spent more than a quarter of our marriage lying to me and having an affair. Maybe she's just broken in a way I can't fix.

Yes, she is in serious self-deception mode.

Everytime she tells a lie, she not only confuses the person she is lying to, but she is building layer upon layer of self-deception upon herself.

Whether or not she will ever begin telling herself the truth is out of your control. You can't give it to her. She has to be willing to look for it, and find it on her own.

You are in a much stronger position if you are able to give w/o expectations. When she sends you an email full of lies ignore it. Or better yet, REJECT it. If you reject it, you don't need to argue it w/ her.

She said you are playing a game. Games are supposed to be FUN. And you sure as he11 aren't having any of that! She can't point to your actions and say, "Look, at THAT! Isn't that awful? Jeff offered to help my parents!" So she has to pretend to be able to get inside your mind and know what your motives are, and judge them to be evil.

She seemed to be saying that you were motivated to offer your help b/c you hoped it might help you win her heart. I'm pretty sure you were motivated out of care and concern for your in-laws and for you WW. But, what if there was a part of you that was motivated to help her parents b/c you hoped to win your WW back? Is doing a good deed b/c you want to recover your marriage a bad thing? Wanting to fullfill your promise to love her in good times and in bad, doesn't strike me as selfish. It strikes me as honorable. Both the action of offering to help as well as the motive to do so.

So please reject that email entirely.

I know you aren't religious, but please allow me to note here that Jacob (from the Bible) worked for Rachel's father for 14 years in order to be able to marry her. Do you think Rachel called what Jacob did a game? Do you think she thought Jacob was selfish to do so? I think she must have felt greatly loved and desired. Do you think Rachel's father felt Jacob was using him? I think he must have known how much Jacob loved and valued his daughter...and rejoiced in that.

Even if your WW was able to convince her parents that you only offered to help b/c you wanted to save your M, there is no way they are going to think less of you for it.