Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 69 of 91 1 2 67 68 69 70 71 90 91
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Quote
That seems a somewhat more attractive option than staying here another 6 months, where even if she wanted to work on reconciling, I'd be unable to be with her.


Hey Gurka - Sounds like a solid plan... Being closer to her parents would be a plus as well.

How long is her OBC? The timing may be right for your return and her graduation, then hopefully, she will be assigned to Ft. Hood or Ft. Polk in order to be closer to her family.

Keep up your Plan-A and don't worry about her not writing you... You're just keeping the lines of communications open and don't expect any "big" changes from her for a while.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Her OBC ends in October I think. I get back in late July\early August.

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Before I stumbled onto marriage builders, I actually started a "plan b." She had already given me false hope a couple of times, and I was just dying, and angry, and I couldn't take it, so I told her I needed a month break from communicating with her. She made it 4 days before contacting me saying, "I don't think it's a good idea to just not talk. I need to know that at least you're ok without having to check your facebook page."

But of course, that was back before I "ruined everything."

Well, under that plan, you didn't expose and kill the affair. You had to go back and do that first, and then plan A a little longer to make up for some of the love bank withdrawals as a result of exposure. You want to get her talking again with you, and then hit her with plan B if necessary. It will be that much more effective that way.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Doing the best Plan A I can to get her talking....

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Quote
Her OBC ends in October I think. I get back in late July\early August.


That's good! That will give you at least 2 months to be near your MIL & FIL. They are still your in-laws and I don't think that they are going 'cut you out' of their lives regardless of what your WW says.

Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
There are 10 episodes in The Pacific. I have the book as well. The series covers Marines only. The book tells the story of a Naval pilot along with those of the Marines from the movie.

They recount tales from POWs who escaped and became guerrilla leaders as well.

In many ways we are insulated from war as Americans. I don't know how you guys have felt when you come back through your rotations, but it feels like we're just a footnote and an afterthought sometimes.

The death of soldiers becomes the story to fit in between headlines of the latest celeberty gossip while it's very real to those who are going through it and to their families, as you guys well know.

Just as a heads up, Gerk. Once your brain processes the issues with your WW, one way or the other (save your marriage or not) you will find yourself processing your experiences with deployments.

I have a tough time, for example, with movies or documentaries about the Iraq war. I have a really tough time with Wounded Warrior day and end up spending the day depressed and feeling guilty that I came away from the conflict relatively unscathed while others paid a terrible price.

These are things you're likely going to deal with yourself. Just giving you a heads up.

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Good Morning Gurka!

Hope you have a great day today... stay safe!

Semper Fi,

RIF

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Good morning everyone.

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Morning Gurka! Another good day here... no quite as hot.

We had a "Dog &Pony" show here this morning but the VIPs are gone now so maybe we can get some actual work done today.

Hope your day is going well...

Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931
Good AM from Canuck land, Gerka.

I hope you are getting good sleep. Don't mind me, it's the Mom and RN sides of me coming out. wink

Be safe today.






M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
About to head back for the day. Busy day

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Hey Gurka - Hope you had a good day today... I'll catch you tomorrow!

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Still up at 0240. Ugh. I miss my wife. Sucks losing your best friend.

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 491
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 491
She's an alien right now, your best friend is in there somewhere.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
I've been reading this thread for awhile now without saying anything. Since I'm a FWW, I just didn't really feel like I had much to offer. I spent 6 months waffling back and forth between my H and OM. I changed my mind about how I felt so many times it would make anyone's head spin. For several months, I was completely convinced that I wanted to D my H and marry the OM. I did some terrible things during that time. I even left my H and flew 3000 miles away to be with the OM so that I could "figure things out" and "decide what I wanted to do." I was a terrible, horrible, inconsiderate, selfish person during that time. I put my H through H@LL, and he stood by me the entire time and kept right on loving me even though I told him time and time again that I didn't want him to.

I did eventually come around and was able to see how much my H really loved me and cared about me. Some of us do, and some of us don't. There's no real way to know how things will turn out in your situation, but you seem like a good guy, so no matter what your WW decides to do, you're going to be okay. You're young and you have a lot to offer, rather it be to your WW or to some other woman. I know all this sucks right now and it feels like it will never end and that your life will always be caught up in this crazy, awful, carnival ride, but that really isn't the case. My family is going through some horrible stuff right now, and I wake up every morning and remind myself that this to shall come too pass, because that's about the only way I can get out of bed and do what needs to be done. Sometimes, that's all you can do.

Just know that your WW's decisions are no reflection on you as a person or on your worth as a human being. This is all about her and her own selfish decisions. The only person in the world you will ever have any control over is yourself.



Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931
Nice post writer.

Hey Gerka,

We have all felt despair, everyone of us on this board, just for different reasons.

You will get through this, we are all living proof.

I watched Oprah the other day and Will Smith was on.
He talked about his son's preparation for his new movie.
Will's wife talked about how hard it was as a mother to watch her son suffer during this preparation. ( getting physically fit despite injuries, long hours ....)
At the end of all of this, the son came out a stronger being.

Anyway Will made a comment, at first I shook my head and couldn't grasp the meaning of it.
Then, and it only took me less than a minute, I related it to d-day and the journey that laid ahead.
And the journey that I'm still in, that many of us are still in.

He said and I'm paraphrasing

' Greatness lies on the edge of devastation'


Isn't that a great mantra!


You will get through this, yes you will and you know what, you can do this, yes you can!


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 987
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 987
Good post, writer1.

I'll add: when you're wayward, especially when you're full of rewriting history and self-delusion, you are a mental nutjob. Your head is crazy, your emotions are all over the place, and you're totally out of control. (You're welcome for that obvious statement right there. grin )

However. Before my H knew about my A, but when I was clearly off my rocker and acting as terrible, horrible, inconsiderate, and selfish as writer1 mentioned, he was Plan A'ing me. And you know what? I remember very little of my meanness to him that time, but I remember so much of his Plan A.

Even at the time, his Plan A deposits were building. I had to get to the point where I could acknowledge what I had done and start de-fogging, but I can almost guarantee his deposits helped get me there. And, when I was at that point, his deposits were there and waiting.

Just my own experience. Maybe it will give you some comfort. And, as writer said, even if things don't work with your WW, you will be okay. Take your hard work and the hard lessons learned here, and you will be okay.


Me - 30 (FWW)
H - 30 (BH)
DSx2
D-day: 2008
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
Good morning, Gerka. I hope you finally got some sleep. I know you are hurting right now. Keep your chin up and take care of yourself. This is a $hitty time to have to deal with all this stuff, but things will get better.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Good Morning Gurka! Happy Friday!!!

Quote
Just know that your WW's decisions are no reflection on you as a person or on your worth as a human being.


Wow, thanks Writer... Gurka - This was one of the biggest things that I had to deal with. Not sure if it's "male ego" or what, but Writer's statement is so true. Don't second guess your actions. Your Plan-A actions to day WILL have an effect on your WW!

Writer and Mrs. V have given you a great glimps of what your WW is going through right now... Your WW isn't much different from any other WS. Her thoughts and actions have, and will continue, to follow the WS script.

Do you know why? Because her A with the OM was no different or more "special" than any other A that you read about here... A's share the same bad "qualities" and you can pretty much tell what the WS's next move will be.

Your WW is still in the "I'm mad at Gurka for spoiling my fun" mode. She's lasing out at you, and doing whatever she can to make you doubt YOUR actions. I think that the main reason that she hasn't contacted you for a couple of days is because of your "relationshiip/educating" e-mail that you sent her a couple of days ago... When you do that, you've played into her hand and she will feel justified in "ignoring" you.

Your Chatty e-mails with no talk of how wrong she is or how bad she is, WILL have an effect on her... give her some more time and keep engaging her and her Mom... they will eventually contact you.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
WW wrote me two emails overnight, separated by a few hours. They were sent as a reply to my last email, talking about our bad day on tuesday:

My swimming pool does love reading about infidelity, how didi u know
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

I'd be careful not to subscribe to he ideas of one man too much if I were u, I do know a perfect cult u can join if u are into that kind of stuff though
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Sounds like she's probably been drinking a bit. I doubt she threw the book in her swimming pool. It sounds like she started reading it and then lashed out at me. No mention of the DVDs. I'm not replying to any of this.

Last edited by Gerkaguards; 05/21/10 03:55 AM.
Page 69 of 91 1 2 67 68 69 70 71 90 91

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 70 guests, and 81 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Rjack, russelltonya, arielwilson, Debby Woman, Comfortable Shoe
71,850 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2024, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5