Decisions made based on how we feel in the moment seldom turn out to be good decisions when we look back on them from a point in the future. This goes for the choice to let OM close to you, slam a door or throw away something you have been working on out of devotion and care over a momentary (and that is all it is) breakdown in an otherwise upward trend in your recovery process.

He won't appreciate it any way...Really? You know this how? This isn't just a response to his withdrawal of the moment and his own DJ regarding OM is it?

WPG, I'm sure you have heard recovery called a roller coaster. Up...Down...Up...Down... Long slow climb followed by a sudden drop that takes your breath away and causes you to doubt that it will not result in your demise...

We get so impatient as we make that slow climb upward. We want to be at the top, to reach the goal, to stand on the top of the world. Of course when we get to the top we find that it is really just part of the journey and once there it is inevitable that we will begin that screaming decent downward that causes us to fear that we might be swallowed up by the Earth itself as we hurtle toward the depths.

Emotions change, WPG. In recovery they might change from minute to minute. Try to mot change your life because your feelings have changed and avoid irrevocable actions and words when your mind is being flooded by emotions.

What he said about you not seeing his text message because it wasn't from OM was meant to hurt you. He succeeded. It was a bad choice on his part, I think, but he was probably triggering all over himself by the time you saw it and responded to him.

But just guessing here that the reason the cut was so deep was because there was at least a notion of truth to it and that much of what you felt was not simply anger at him, but anger at yourself.

And then you felt horrible and worthless and believed that you were both and nothing you could ever do would be good enough again...

So why would he even care about the stupid book? Why would it have any meaning to him at all?

I always got the feeling the book was about your own feelings anyway...

Doing things that show care and love don't have to be in response to anything. They can be all on their own. Even stuff he might not fully appreciate can be a labor of love and a demonstration of your thoughtfulness and care replacing the thoughtlessness and careless acts of the affair.

And the long slow climb begins again...