CWMI, I have IB issues with my H as well so I can understand how you feel about wanting your H to put his marriage and family first. I also have the same situation that H and I don't talk about much and I am sure that much of it has to do with my reactions (overreactions) in the past. I am not absolving my H from his half of the talking about issues problem because in a vacuum the things that have happened in the past would not have happened. It does take two. You can work on your reactions to things and not make the same mistakes in the future but it is in your husbands hands whether he wants to respond to the new way you are or if he wants to continue to live based upon what has happened in the past.

My H and I are trying to counsel with Steve H. So far, I am 'showing up' and 'doing the homework (HW)' and H, except one time, has had things come up. I believe, as does Steve H that my H also thinks that freedom is superior to a happy marriage. Since he can't see past our current situation to a different way of being together, H sees that it is easier to just leave. Freedom looks very good compared to the hard work of having a good marriage, especially when you realize that you may have to make some choices that involve changing some things about yourself and how you behave for the good of the marriage. My H becomes extremely resentful and about anything that he sees as unfair and unfortunately, this seems to be most things.

Anyway, too much about my situation but you suggested to me that I should also tell my H he will get full custody if he divorces me. After reading here and hearing other's input, I can see how that may have some advantages. Especially financial ones as I have worked at a lower level for many years now and sacrificed retirement to be more available for my family. (H is of course, resentful of this underemployment too even though he agreed to it.)

Steve H keeps telling me I need to try to get my H onboard with the idea that the goal is to create the best possible situation for raising our children, and that is a marriage where both parents are deeply in love with other. H keeps saying that kids from divorced families are ok as he is one and he is fine. Steve H says this is changing the question from, "What is best" to "Will the kids be ok" and my H does this very well and I have to keep steering him back.

Anyway, maybe you need to focus on the right question too, whatever that question is and perhaps, Steve H could guide you again. Your H is being selfish and putting himself first but maybe he can't see past today to the future. He is too stuck in the past. This is where my H and I are today; where I see possibility and he sees the easy way out and freedom from the past but without a clear future in mind. You can run to something new, it will be easier but creating a loving relationship with the other parent of your children will always be the best possible solution. Hang in there and keep fighting for the best outcome, not just an ok outcome.

Last edited by lostlovinfeeling; 10/02/10 08:35 AM.