"Unconditional love" only gives the recipient unrealistic expectations of entitlement. It gives her license to abuse you so essentially you have created a monster.
Secondly, I assure you that you won't love her unconditionally for long if she continues to abuse you with her adultery. Adultery is a lovebuster that will erode your love for her. You will grow to hate her eventually if you don't remove yourself from the situation.
The concept of unconditional love in marriage usually refers to a spouse�s lifelong commitment to care for the other spouse regardless of what the other spouse does. I�m in favor of a lifelong commitment to care regardless of unfavorable circumstances (health problems, financial setbacks, and other factors outside a couple�s control that can negatively impact a marriage). But I�m opposed to a lifelong commitment to care for a spouse when that spouse makes marriage-wrecking choices. It tends to give such people unrealistic expectations of entitlement�that they should be cared for, regardless of their willingness to care in return. Neglect and abuse characterize many marriages based on unconditional love.
Another article that addresses this issue: What�s Wrong with Unconditional Love
by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.
I felt like I remembered reading those a while ago and feeling conflicted. I've also been reading Real Love in Marriage, and I feel like the ideas are competing a bit in my head. Isn't Plan A in a sense unconditional love? (Granted, since it's a period of time, I suppose that represents a condition.) Like, you're pouring love into the other person without necessarily expecting anything in return. Unconditional love doesn't mean there aren't "parameters" per se and it definitely doesn't mean unconditional trust.
You've given the people around you both, a choice of three options to select from:
- BH and WW
Now you need to find out which of those people selected option 3. Bring them into your support group. Throw away the option 1 and 2 people.
Because both of these actions are going to make you react from instincts and habits, in other words you are going to be not thinking clearly, just reacting immediately. You need a plan of action, Plan A
. That way when you do react you have a set of instructions to work from, Plan A
Where is your Plan A
You need to read Mark's Rant For Newbies.
Fortunately almost everyone that I've heard from is option 3. (Excepting his family somewhat.) I specifically selected them since I suspected they would be. There are a few that seem to only be on my side, but I'm not suggesting that they have contact with her.
Yeah. I definitely should put together a more formal Plan A for my specific situation.
WW has talked to me in short bits throughout the rest of the day (almost entirely initiated by her). Nothing particularly substantive...mostly stuff like, "Your parents want to talk to you." (They were out of the loop a bit while I was getting a replacement phone.) I responded, "I believe your parents would like to talk to you too." (She screened them and most everyone other than a few people today.) She informed me when the electrician would be by this evening. She sent me a YouTube link to George Strait's "Give It Away". I texted her to ask what she was going to do without debit/credit/money. She said 'Work.' Only other things that I could get out of her were 'I am fine.' MIL just informed me that WW texted her that she's alive and alone. (Great news in a sense...though obviously would prefer she be back home or with family.) After consecutive "I am fine"s, I decided to try not to bother her. Probably will say goodnight and reaffirm that she's loved and leave it at that until tomorrow.
Another interesting development...one of the OM's relatives called me this afternoon. She didn't identify who she was, but she expressed disbelief over the situation. I verified the details for her. She noted that OM recently had been dating a girl (that wasn't WW). Adds an interesting wrinkle, I think. She said she'd try to find out more but didn't think that OM's family was necessarily going to have much influence.
Oh, and my dad flew into town for a day. My mom will fly in tomorrow and stay for a few days. I don't think it's necessary...and I'm a smidge worried about what the ramifications are if WW wife returns in that time frame...but I suppose it's good to have personal support.