I find that my husband treats me the worst (pushing back, and blaming me) when he feels the most shame. When he feels that he has disappointed me "again" (his word).

Also, like your H,, I could see me misreading the entire interview situation. Feeling as if I had gotten clarity, and feeling that my questions were answered sufficiently, when really I had inadvertantly read between the lines.

In fact, I did this once. I attended an all-day interview. It was quite rigorous. During the course of the ay, I met with some of the people who held a comparable job. I asked them to describe their position, and had pointed questions for them. Frankly, it sounded like exactly the one I had come from, with the same kinds of hours I was currently enjoying.

In the very last interview of the day, I discovered that the hours were DRAMATICALLY different than what I had understood, and would have required extensive childcare for my daughter, where currently I had no such requirement.

Naturally, I withdrew from the process.

The point is, had someone not thought to tell me one detail about the job, I could have walked away from those interviews thinking that it was similar to what I had. Even after asked everything I could think of to be clear on the position.

What if your husband felt the same? What if he really and truly did his best and thought he had found something you woudl both be happy with?

To me, that sounds more consistent with how he has been acting... happy, invested, proud.

Now, this expectation comes up, and what happens? Suddenly, he is mean, accusatory, blaming, belligerent, threatening divorce, and coming home drunk.

Just from looking at the change, I strongly suspect that he was as surprised as you by this expectation. And now he is trapped, and full of shame.

He probably knows that he "blew it" with you, and he may not even know if he can fix it. Part of him may be glad to have developed their trust already to be "the guy", or he may be worried that to not be the guy will lead to termination.

I wonder what would happen if you assumed the best about him on this one (i.e. that he really thought he had investigated the situation as best as he could, and was surprised by this twist) and gently tried to work it all out with him.

I think gentle may be the key, because your husband reminds me in some ways of mine, and he is desperate for gentleness. It stuns me sometimes how mean he is to HIMSELF when he makes a mistake... No wonder he is tempted to lash out at me... He already feels like crap, like he has failed me... And when I talk about it, it reverberates in his head.

What's that line from Jerry McGuire? "That's the difference between you and me. You think we're fighting, and I think we're finally talking!!"

Gentle may well be the key to renegotiating all of this. Touch him sweetly before speaking. Help him to relax first. Then he may feel safer thinking through it all with you.

It's not your fault, but you may be able to help.

fwiw, I am not letting your husband off the hook, AT ALL.

I'm just trying to help you deal with what you have.

The other day, my H got distracted at work, and came home considerably later than expected, without a call. He was tense and on teh brink of defensive, and I was quietly upset.

As I watched him eat, I got so sad, cwmi. I saw that underneath what looked like anger on his face was really shame. I began to wonder how his food could even taste good when he was in so much pain.

I went behind him and hugged him and held him. He soon relaxed completely in my arms, and under my gentle kisses to the side of his neck. His gratitude for my love, healed me too.

Then (as a bonus) I got what I also needed. A heartfelt, soft, and sincere apology. We went on to talk about how it has been TOO busy, and what are we going to do to change that?

Anyway, I think you guys can work through this, and I think he really does love you.

Me 42
H 46
Married 12 years
Two children D9 and D4 !