Originally Posted by Bubbles4U
If a married couple can completely trust thier spouse like I can trust my husband, they can go on overnight trips without the other one a few times a year!

NOT Marriage Builders advice. This has NOTHING to do with trust and EVERYTHING to do with creating an affair proof marriage. EVERYONE is capable of having an affair. EVERY HUMAN BEING on this earth is capable of it.

Some people are more likely to than others. The difference between those that do and those that don't: Boundaries.

Plain and simple, that's it.

What can help, along with boundaries? A marriage lifestyle that makes an affair virtually impossible. This lifestyle includes:
The meeting of Emotional Needs,
Avoiding each other pain by avoiding Love Busters,
Spending enough time together giving one another Undivided Attention to create and sustain love,
Intimacy created through Radical Honesty,
Avoiding any possible Secret Second Life, which is created through dishonesy, and spending time apart.

Avoiding overnight travel is a safety precaution a couple puts into place, not because they believe their spouse will cheat, specifically, but because they realize that EVERYONE, including themselves, is capable of cheating under the right circumstances and would rather not take unnecessary risks with a relationship as important as marriage.

Rather than travel a winding mountain road at top speed hugging the edge, TRUSTing that they won't barrel over in the middle of the night, they build up a guardrail and drive as close to the mountain as possible at a reasonable speed.

Their marriage is important enough to not take unnecessary risks for the sake of proving how much they trust one another.

If you cannot trust your spouse not to have affairs on overnight trips, then you cannot trust them in any other way either and must keep them on a very very short, tight, painful choke chain and leash.

NO ONE can be trusted to not have an affair, if they fail to put in proper precautions. CWMI is capable of having an affair if her husband goes on overnights. Her husband is capable of doing so as well.

Trust is created by trustworthy behavior. Proper boundaries is what creates trustworthy behavior. Not going on overnights away from your spouse is a healthy boundary that reinforces trust, it is not evidence of a lack thereof.

If you have to BE CRUEL to your spouse and pull the choke chain until they wince in pain to keep control of that beloved spouse, then your marriage is not worth much.

The cruelty here is in CWMIs husband's desire to ignore her needs and what she needs to feel safe in this marriage, because it is inconvenient to him. She does not desire control, she desires consideration in the decision making process. Not to be made to feel like a servant to his job, but to have value in his life. WHY? Because she is the partner he committed to love and cherish ABOVE ALL OTHERS, not second to his job and career, but BEFORE everything else.

That was the promise he made to her.

It doesn't seem that CWMI wants to bludgeon her spouse into doing things her way, she desires a REAL POJA Negotiation in which they can BOTH be enthusiastically satisfied. Her husband continually confirms her second-class status in his life by hiding and obfuscating the truth.

HIS desires, HIS standing and HIS job are more important to him than her.

And THAT is the real cruelty.

She isn't asking for the unreasonable. She is asking to be included in his life, and is rightfully disappointed and hurt when he dismisses, appeases or outright lies to her. Should she not be?

This isn't about the travel.

This is about the outright and blatant disrespect he affords her through his Independent Behavior. She requires certain needs be met for her happiness and sense of safety. If he is unwilling to meet those needs, he needs to move on. He keeps promising that he can meet those needs, to CON her into staying married to him - for his own benefit (NOT for her benefit). But he fails to meet the needs again and again.

Are things getting better? Seems like it. Could they continue to get better? I believe so.

However, the thing I find MOST troubling about this, is his attitude towards MB that has been revealed. He felt bullied into POJAing....think about that for a sec. He felt manipulated at the sheer FACT that he had to consider his wife's needs.

The cruelty isn't manifested in CWMIs behavior here, not by a long shot.

Last edited by Vibrissa; 10/04/10 02:09 PM.

Me & DH: 28
Married 8/20/05
1DD, 9 mo.
Just Lookin' and Learnin'