Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 15 of 45 1 2 13 14 15 16 17 44 45
kilted_thrower #2442911 11/13/10 04:11 PM
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
C
CWMI Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
It's hard when someone is accusing YOU of misunderstanding when the fact is, they misspoke. And then they argue with you about how you misunderstand everything. The least he could do is be apologetic about what he literally said instead of foisting it on me.

I never listen.

I misunderstand everything.

etc.

Does your W get exasperated about how you have to repeat what she said for clarity? My H would prefer I say nothing and I don't know, soak up his true meaning by osmosis or something.



Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
CWMI #2442914 11/13/10 04:27 PM
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 3,614
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 3,614
Or perhaps he was looking for you to catch the larger idea, rather than the exact meaning of the word.

I'm sure you grasped that he was saying you are important to him, he cares about you and you matter to him?

I'm sure this is all more frustrating when you are facing major issues, and are disconnected. I know that's often how it works with me and my husband. Something that would be mildly annoying becomes really troubling when we are divided.

I'm sorry things are so tense right now...



Me 42
H 46
Married 12 years
Two children D9 and D4 !
Telly #2442920 11/13/10 04:52 PM
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
C
CWMI Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
Thanks, Tel...

It's frustrating because I don't need that...admiration and praise is not high on my list of needs. It's like he has me confused with him, he ascribes his needs to me instead of paying attention to what my needs actually are. Now if he did say that I was important to him and that I mattered and my feelings mattered, that would be one thing--I'd appreciate that very much! What he said was that he appreciated everything I do FOR HIM, for the house, for the kids, and he's proud of how well I'm doing in school.

I told him I was having a ton of anxiety about travel still weighing on us. He said that he did not want to travel, he knows how difficult it is for our family and even though he thinks I should trust him and allow it, he understands that he busted that by lying about it in the past and also behaving inappropriately while on trips.

Let me back up...I told him about the anxiety, and he said that I had a mental problem. I asked him if he thought it was a mental problem to not want your spouse staying out all night drinking in another state on a business trip? Are 'normal' people okay with that? Would HE be okay with that? Then back to the last paragraph...

..and on to him stating that the next time it came up, he would tell his boss he couldn't do it. I asked him about telling his boss that now? This trip we just got back from wasn't 'required' in that it certified him or that the entire team was required to do it or anything, and not going would not have cost him his job. He said he would talk to him now. Honestly, I would be shocked if he did. He's already lied to him (or one of us, or all of us) and said that he never had the understanding that there would be no travel. I asked him to tell his boss the truth and get the matter settled.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
CWMI #2442948 11/13/10 07:21 PM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 111
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 111
Your husband has conceded business travel, to avoid the aggravation.

Are you now not happy ??

Jackblack #2442960 11/13/10 08:34 PM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704
Originally Posted by Jackblack
Your husband has conceded business travel, to avoid the aggravation.

Are you now not happy ??

Did you even read any of this thread before posting this? Can you take a few minutes to actually read through everything before posting?

Because if you did, you'd realize that a week ago or close to that, he (they) just took a trip for business.


Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

kilted_thrower #2442992 11/14/10 03:49 AM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 111
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 111
KT
The business trip did not escape me. It also did not escape me that the trip was a disaster for the whole family, including CWMI's husband.

I could be wrong but I think her husband has since made a significant shift in his thinking towards business travel.

My question as to whether she was happy about this was meant as it was written. I would expect there would some sort of relief about this but I was not sencing it in her post. There could be many reasons for this. Maybe I read it wrong.

When the dust settles she probably will be happy. Why wouldn't she be?






Last edited by Jackblack; 11/14/10 03:51 AM.
Jackblack #2443000 11/14/10 08:26 AM
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
C
CWMI Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
I've heard it before, jackblack. Many times. Hasn't worked out.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
CWMI #2443284 11/15/10 10:55 AM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
CWMI:

You and your husband are having trouble communicating. Since it bothers you, please consider changing your "style". I "hear" you to jump to conclusions while you are listening to your H. Then when more facts come out, you find that your conclusions were false. And then you blame him for not being clear.

How about you not jump to conclusions (which are DJs)? How about you allow him to explain himself before you accuse him of confusing you?

I know this isn't easy. Most of us are thinking 3 steps ahead when we listen to other people. It is hard to train yourself not to do it. So I don't want to give the impression that I think this is a quick fix. But I think it would help.

My wife does this. More so lately than years ago. She interrupts everything I say partway through. She does it to the kids too. And I must say, she is usually WRONG in what she thinks. Mostly, when she interrupts us, she is heading in the wrong direction. Because she has not allowed us to make our point. The kids have started complaining to her. She apologizes, but she keeps doing it.

You already know that you and your H have very different communication styles. So you know that your first impression of what your H says is likely to be wrong. Instead of getting angry with him for misleading you, why not get angry with yourself for leaping to false conclusions? After all, as we say often around here, the only person you can control (change) is yourself. Good luck.


When you can see it coming, duck!
holdingontoit #2443304 11/15/10 11:59 AM
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
C
CWMI Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
I have a great church. Yesterday's message is not up yet, but I'll link it when it comes online. I can not speak for the whole congregation, but EVERY woman I could see from where I sat was in tears, and most men (including mine) were sitting arms-folded. It is a sad, sad testament to the mentality of people.

I wish it was up now.

What was said that had women dabbing their eyes was: Jeff (the speaker) was meeting with a mentor and going on and on about how wonderful things were going with his preaching, the excellent feedback, all the new projects and how excited he was about GOOD THINGS, and his mentor said, "Get your wife on the phone with me." (paraphrasing)

So Jeff dialed his wife, mentor-man spoke to her and said, (again, paraphrasing, if anyone sees something different from my interpretation here when I link the video, PLEASE let me know!) "So Jeff is telling me about this and that which is going great, and I wanted to ask you: how is he doing at making sure that you and your children are a priority?"

THAT is where my life falls down, and apparently the lives of many wives around me in church. I am not perfect. I fail at a lot of things. I'm not a perfect wife or mother--I don't achieve perfection in the housekeeping department (there is a sandal under the sofa that I can see from where I'm sitting now) and I give my kids cookies instead of fruit in their lunches. I have lots and lots of other imperfections. I forget to buy something at the store--toilet paper, or lunch bags, or I buy too much of something--we once had three cartons of lactose-free milk for my H, because I didn't check and did not want to be out of it.

But my family would never say that they felt they didn't come first with me. Sure, my H took us with him on this trip. He did not want to, and made sure we knew that, what a pain it was.

Jeff also said, "THIS is your greatest calling, to be the husband and father that God has called you to be."

*teary, again*

Why don't guys get this? I can be all forgiving on something once, maybe twice, but dang...this morning I got in my car and was baffled at WHY I was still smelling the putrid stank of my ds13's friend's deodorant from Sunday morning? (he spent the night and went to church with us, I honestly thought the smell was from his over-use of deo, because him being in the car was the first I smelled it) I found out today, my H stuck air-fresheners in my vents--ones he has stuck in there twice before and I complained about the smell. I don't like it. It's a baby-powder scent, which smells, to me, like diapers. I don't want to drive with diaper smell, no matter how 'clean-diaper' it is--I don't like it! I laughed about it and told him how I thought it was a lingering deodorant smell that I find unpleasant, and that I appreciated the gesture, I would just prefer a fruity or linen scent if he was going to slip air fresheners into my car.

Anyway, I'll go see if the link is up now...it is very good. Brownsbridge.org--messages--Game Plan--listen if anyone wants to see the whole series, it's really good.



Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
CWMI #2443418 11/15/10 05:35 PM
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
C
CWMI Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
here we go..."A word from the coach"

http://www.brownsbridge.org/messages

ETA: hit "Game Plan" icon, then 'watch'.

Last edited by CWMI; 11/15/10 05:46 PM.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
CWMI #2443430 11/15/10 06:24 PM
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 656
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 656
CWMI,

I think in many ways, men are wired to be "providers"; whether that is socially or even biologically motivated really doesn't matter. It's easy to get wrapped up in the provider role to the exclusion of almost everything else. I wish there was an easy way to make your husband or other career obsessed men understand what that obsession does to a family but I suppose there isn't. Not all of us are like that but that's little consolation to those who aren't getting their needs met due to his/her spouse's career. I'm with you though; it took my wife going bat-snot crazy to realize where my priorities really should be and were.

Travis


Age - 35
Divorce Final - 3/5/12

S - 13
S - 10
D - 8
CWMI #2445891 11/23/10 07:35 PM
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,574
Likes: 1
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,574
Likes: 1
cwmi, I saw something today, that I thought would be *really* relevant for you. If you are willing, please send me an email at [edited out]. Please let me know once you got the email, or decided you don't want it, so I can take it down, thanks!

Last edited by NewEveryDay; 11/23/10 09:01 PM.

Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2445901 11/23/10 08:23 PM
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
C
CWMI Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
Can't you just post it here? I haven't had the best luck with sharing email from this board.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
CWMI #2445918 11/23/10 09:11 PM
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,574
Likes: 1
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,574
Likes: 1
Let me know when you got it, or decided not to get it, and I'll take the url down. I am not posting this to confuse new folks, you've been doing what you've been doing for a while, and I trust you to take what you like and leave the rest. It's specifically about this cycle you and I have lived of the H threatening divorce when the wife brings her H&O to her H about a choice the H doesn't want to change. Threatening divorce, instead of working together. The W caves, as she's done before, as she will do again. Reverts back to being a Renter, accepting the temporary peace. Because being a Buyer, standing up for the marriage in the face of the threats, proves too much. Until at some point the W doesn't care about the M anymore, either.

No, I can't post the link, it was censored out.

Last edited by NewEveryDay; 11/23/10 09:11 PM.

Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2445921 11/23/10 09:13 PM
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,574
Likes: 1
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,574
Likes: 1
cwmi, are you on the MB private forum? If so, the story is there, too, but I don't have access, to get you the link. I


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2445950 11/23/10 10:43 PM
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
C
CWMI Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
No, I don't, but I'm open to hearing you tell me a story...

if you have time.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
CWMI #2445991 11/24/10 06:03 AM
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 656
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 656
Oooo... can I? Once upon a time there was a midget, a wrestler and a NASCAR pit crew chief.... never mind. Carry on!


Age - 35
Divorce Final - 3/5/12

S - 13
S - 10
D - 8
tccoastguard #2445992 11/24/10 06:48 AM
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,574
Likes: 1
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,574
Likes: 1
cwmi, like you said, I don't need a link to tell you a story. It's someone else's story, that you "know" from here, but I guess that's besides the point. The point is she googled "husband threatens divorce," and 100 results came, all telling the same story, that the H is attempting to gain control back of the situation, without negotiation. And it works. The woman gives up the things she knows she needs, because she doesn't want to divorce.

In MB language, this person is a Freeloader. "If we're meant to be, it means no change will be required on my part. If I'm being asked to modify my behavior, then we must not be meant to be together." How can you negotiate with a Freeloader? Any thing they say they will do different is a lie, because they don't think they need to change anything. They makes themselves angry with you for suggesting it, and that's the justification to break Rule Of Protection over and over again. Because "you don't deserve protection, you mean controlling wife you".

The advice she was given (not by me), was to stop doing the same thing. Consult an attorney, find out what her rights are.

All I'm asking, cwmi, is to try that google search. Take a good look at what you're up against, so that you're not so surprised and angry next time. Consider having a plan ready. I hope there's no next time. I still have hope for you guys. Have you told Steve about the divorce threats?


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2445997 11/24/10 07:33 AM
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,574
Likes: 1
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,574
Likes: 1
Quote
From Dr. Willard Harley http://www.lifetimefitness.com/magazine/index.cfm?strWebAction=article_detail&intArticleId=257

Freeloader and Buyer

Freeloaders and Buyers rarely get together in new relationships, but when they do, the Buyer is likely to get seriously burned. The Buyer is exclusively and permanently committed, and the Freeloader is not. He or she may be cheating on the Buyer, or may even be openly pursuing other relationships. (Think of rock stars and their groupies.)

Most often, Freeloader-Buyer combinations are actually remnants of relationships that once connected two Buyers. If a Buyer becomes a Freeloader, it�s usually because he or she had an affair.

The relationship between a Buyer and Freeloader is a disaster for the Buyer. While infidelity is the most obvious problem, simple neglect can also make the relationship impossible for the Buyer: A Freeloader tends to live his or her life as if the Buyer didn�t even exist.

A Buyer can set an example for a Freeloader of how romantic partners should treat each other. But in the end, if a Freeloader is not converted, the Buyer should terminate the relationship to avoid a painful life of neglect and codependence.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2445998 11/24/10 07:37 AM
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,574
Likes: 1
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,574
Likes: 1
What do you think, cwmi, am I close? Is this guy a Freeloader? I know he changed jobs, and I'm not discounting that. In your house, on a day to day basis, what's going on? Is it he usually looks out for the best interests of the family, and the travel thing is an aberration, a result of the fears a bad economy brings? Or day to day, does he make decisions without thinking about you all?


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
Page 15 of 45 1 2 13 14 15 16 17 44 45

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 229 guests, and 86 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Rjack, russelltonya, arielwilson, Debby Woman, Comfortable Shoe
71,850 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2024, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5