In no way could you describe my approach to Mrs. Hold as a "strength". It is simply an accommodation to reality. Mrs. Hold was raped. She rejects me brutally if I try to "put moves on her" with out asking for permission. So I ask for permission. Then I usually get rejected. Sometimes not as brutally, though.

I am just as much as fault as her. At this point the accumulated pain makes it almost impossible for us to deal with the situation.

Last week at parent night one of S16's buddies was waiting in the lobby for his parents. When she saw him, Mrs. Hold literally ran up to him and grabbed him in a huge bear hug. It hurt so bad to watch that, I wanted to die. Later I told her how much it hurt to see that one of S16's buddies gets better hugs than I ever get.

I know, we have so much water under the bridge. Every hug is fraught with meaning. All of it bad. So of course she gives better hugs to someone where there isn't any baggage, and the hug has not sexual overtones, and it simply isn't such a big deal. Except it is. To me.

So I do understand WHY other people get better hugs than I do. Still, it hurts that they do. Just as it hurts to get rejected when I ask. Even if I expect to get rejected most of the time.