Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Yes. There is nothing TO forgive at this point. Forgiveness should be earned. That is in both your best interests.

Dutch, ML has given you a lot of good advice and information, but allow me as one Christian brother to another, disagree with this statement. Forgiveness is NEVER earned, it is given. It is commanded by God when a sinner repents and seeks your forgiveness.

What is EARNED is the right to be trusted. That is not the same thing as forgiveness.

If you want to discuss recovery from a Biblical perspective, I will by happy to discuss it further with you. Since you don't know me, let me just say that my wife and I are now recovered from her 6-year long affair. We did so with the help of MB ideas, but primarily by counseling that was focused on being obedient to the Word of God regardless of what we might be "feeling" at any given time.

Originally Posted by dutchcourage
Thanks for the support everyone. It feels good to be able to talk about this.

Its not that simple for me to get down there right now. When I go it will be for good and there is so much i have to arrange here first. My fear is that by the time I get there it will be too late.

Timing for your departure is what it is. Just understand that there are many things you cannot do until you are actually present with your wife. Stay in daily contact with her in the meantime.

Originally Posted by dutchcourage
She is blocking her feelings right now, she says she can't deal with the shame and disgrace, and has to stay busy to cope (not difficult with 5 small children in the house).

Of course she is blocking her feelings. She KNOWS she committed the worst possible sin against God and your marriage that she could do. That is tough to deal with. You can help her a little in that are simply by reminding her that we are all sinners and we are all in need of God's forgiveness.

Originally Posted by dutchcourage
She is receiving counselling at her church (we are both Christians) but has a LOT of baggage from her past. Abuse, neglect, rape. Blocking her hurt has been her way of dealing with things.

That's a good thing that she is receiving counseling, but there is a world of difference between individual counseling and MARITAL counseling. Circumstances right now predicate that her getting some counseling on her own is a good "stop gap," but once you are there, there should be NO individual counseling. YOU must be present at all counseling sessions that you will both know everything that is said and discussed. It will be difficult, especially at first, but it is ESSENTIAL.

Counseling, psychological, for abuse, neglect, and rape is NEEDED. You may want to consider a professional Psychiatrist who for that sort of counseling, at least in addition to marital counseling for the adultery.

Originally Posted by dutchcourage
As for me, I am at a very low ebb just now. Believe me, if I could be there tomorrow I would. I am so paranoid right now. I do believe her when she says she is sorry, I want to believe her when she says she will not allow this to happen again, but its so difficult.

Would you care for a link to my first couple of posts from 8.5 years ago when I was in your shoes? If so, let me know and I'll get you the link to the posts. IF you choose to read them, understand that I was just as raw as you are today, but that now my wife and I recovered from her 6-year long affair. Recovery is not only possible, it is guaranteed IF you are both willing to humble yourselves before God and DO what tells you do.

This is certainly a time when you will both be "forced" to examine your faith and what being submissive to God really means. It is time when you will both examine just what it really means to be a Christian.

Originally Posted by dutchcourage
She is going to be away from the home all day today (with the kids at her home village). Right now, if I can't see exactly where she is I fear the worst.

It might not help much, but that fear is normal and is something that you will simply have to chose to endure for now. It is a fear that will take a long time to "go away" and will likely never go completely away. But there will be a time when you can have a thought of fear along those lines and be able to reject the fear because you will have rebuilt your marriage and have had enough time pass that you KNOW she will not cheat again. THAT will have a lot to with your and your wife's daily relationship with God as a part of your lives and not just as a "nice thing to have."

Keep posting. You NEED the support and place to talk about things, both now and especially when you leave the country and are united with your wife.

God bless.