Mrs. Hold made a big deal this morning of explaining her schedule and apologizing for being so busy the past few weeks (Weight Watchers rolled out a new program so the meetings are extra busy so they asked her to do extra shifts as receptionist). She said that the rush will be over this week, so she won't have to work on Tuesday mornings in the future. She offered to have Tuesday morning be "our time".

I should be ecstatic. This is what I hoped and prayed for all those years. That she would show some interest in making time for me.

But I do not feel happy or glad or thankful. I feel resentment and spite. That it has taken so long to make time for me. And that it takes such an effort for her to force herself to have sex with me. I am thinking about working from NYC on Tuesdays so I have to leave early and thus would not be available to spend time with her. I know, cutting off my nose to spite my face.

Hopefully I will have the guts to talk with her about how I feel. Talking to her will, undoubtedly, destroy her enthusiasm for spending Tuesday mornings with me. But it is a talk we should have.

I just feel she is so disgusted by the thought of sex with me, how can I feel good about having sex with her? Even if she grants consent, it is clear she gets nothing out of it. It is total pity and obligation. I used to want her to feel obliged. Now I just want it all to go away.