I am employed! It's very new, being that today was my first day, but I have high hopes! I am quickly acquiring the needed training and succeeding (or I think I am!) that I need to do the job. Big big confidence booster! Such a huge change from a husband who doubted every word that came out of my mouth or every movement that I made, or criticizing every misstep! It helps me see that the world doesn't expect perfectionism from me, only that I can do my best and if I do well, that's awesome, and I can keep getting better! Unlike before, where anything that wasn't perfection = failure.

Also had talked to the therapist tonight. He's a coddler, and to be honest, I like hearing it. Maybe because I spent too long with someone telling me I was doing it wrong while I was down, it's nice to hear someone say, "No human is perfect and you are imperfect, and that's okay". And finding the realization that imperfection is okay, but give it your all and if you don't succeed the first time, just try again. It's like I'm paying the guy to be a cheerleader for me, but it does make me feel good when I leave. It's good conversation, good insight. I like him! He makes me think and reassures me that I haven't given myself credit where it might be due. Which gives me confidence.

I talked to my therapist tonight about how I want my process of thinking or caring about what stbx does to come much sooner. I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of wanting him to be connected still, like I am. I'm moving away from it, but I want my ship to sail faster. He reassured me that I can just ride it out and when the time comes, it will be there. Just allow the process to occur. Kinda sucks, I hate dwelling on something that is out of reach to me, but I also wasn't happy in the marriage, so I guess I just have to sit back and let time heal this wound, which kind of sucks, but will eventually not and I won't care. I am just not liking the in-between. I want to not still love him. I want to not care if he's with a girlfriend. I want to not want to care for him. I want to feel a comradere, but in no romantic sense. I'm really sad it's come to this point, but I can't make another human act on my whims or wishes and I'm coming to grips with it now.

Anyway, just venting...

Last edited by Thistooshallpass; 01/06/11 12:20 AM.

ME: 36
Married: 2/14/93
A: 5/04
Seperated/Divorcing: 8/10
DS: 11 (autistic)
DS: 13 (aspergers syndrome)