Do you believe your husband's perspective is more problematic for your family than just the events/travel issue?

Yes. There are many problems, and his perspective that recreational companionship is something you get from friends, not spouses, is a biggie. It's difficult to deal with when I think your romantic partner should also be your best friend and favorite companion, and he thinks the nature of the very relationship makes that an impossibility. Like you shouldn't be friends with a lover. Weird.

He'll snuggle with the kids while watching TV, play computer games with them, he's not all detached or angry. I have my moments where I'm thinking, "Ugh, can I have a little time to myself???" too, where I just want them to settle down and leave me be, so it's hard to condemn him when really, I get it...four kids is a lot to handle, and even though I've handled it mostly by myself as the SAHM, I do try to think of what it is like to work all day and come home to NOT QUIET. lol.

I do want him to do something about his anger, and not just because it's hurtful to all of us when he AOs, but because of his perspective that you can't love someone and be angry at them at the same time. That hurts worse than any old AO.

He read this entire thread the other night (Monday), and hasn't said a WORD about it except that he's having lunch with his boss today to tell him, fer realz, that travel is an absolute no-go. I so want to believe him this time. I'm such a sucker.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)