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Specifically I'm gonna come home and hug her, apologize for how I abused her all weekend. I'm then gonna make her a healthy dinner because she told me she wanted one. Then I'll make her a bath to soak her sore legs from the marathon. Then I'm gonna listen to her all night if need be. I want to show her through my actions that she can believe me that I won't read into anything again. Tell her that I recognize what dishonesty is and that I will never hold my feelings back. I AM committed to ending DJs and protecting her from my disgusting rancid behavior. I want to give her a reason to love me and I haven't done that in a long time. I don't want to lose her.


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A reminder to posters to help this poster with Marriage Builders concepts or kindly refrain from posting. I see a lot of personal opinions that are clearly not in line with MB being posted. Before posting, please ask yourself if this is in line with MB or not.

Thank you

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I AM committed to ending DJs and protecting her from my disgusting rancid behavior.
How?


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Originally Posted by Prisca
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I AM committed to ending DJs and protecting her from my disgusting rancid behavior.
How?

Well i need help here. I now know how to recognize Them better so I want to show some self control when I feel the urge. Specifically I will be honest at all times and ask her things immediately rather than assuming anything. I guess I'm having a hard time communicating a specific plan maybe you can help me do so?


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Originally Posted by Happy2CU
Hill, I saw a list of funny comments one time about what men want women to know/do. I think this one applies to you:

"If there are two ways to take something, I meant it the way that doesn't make you mad."

You need to give your wife the benefit of the doubt much more than you have.

I also agree with the other poster that you should limit your use of alcohol during your UA time for a bit, as it may be aggravating your anger with each other. I've recently realized this in my marriage as well. Its not always easy to do as I live in Australia and alcohol is always on offer.

Keep at it Hill, you guys can make it.

Oh, one more thing, you need to let your wife explain to you what she means about romance or doing nice things. I asked my husband for more romance and he took that to mean more sex. I said, no its doing nice things for me, and bringing me little tokens that show that he was thinking about me. He just refuted that and said "oh, that again."

So for him romance is cuddling and more sex, and for me its thoughtful acts. We're both right.

I tend to look for immediate reactions as a measurement stick of whether or not doing something nice is well received or not. This is wrong. I'm working on meeting her EN's consistently and not always looking for what I get out of it.


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What a great night! I love that gal of mine. smile I can't afford to hurt her any more. How could I DJ any more.


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Originally Posted by Powerbane
Hill - you are definitely putting your needs ahead of your wife's needs.

Markos and Prisca are both giving you good advice and guidance. I've been there right where you are too.

Protect your wife. Protect her man!! Would you treat your boss or even some stranger like you treat her? I think not!

Make a plan according to MB principles and then get on board! This woman truly loves you.

By the way - you probably won't get this but I'm going to put it out to you anyway - It's not all about you! Think about it friend.

I thought about this statement a lot about it not being about "me". I believe this judgement is justified in terms of it's intent for sure. I've shown that I think selfishly about me first and foremost. What you may not know is that although I haven't shown my wife that I want to create love in our marriage very well I still do love her more than you can imagine. I always have. Do I show her correctly? No not at all man, I've abused her for years. I'm paying the price for this as is she. I want to give this woman all that she deserves. I want her to feel the love for me that I feel for her. I have failed in this endeavor thus far but I intend to change that. She is sooooo friggin amazing, and instead of cherishing her I blew it. I made her feel bad. I didn't know what to do nor how to handle it, but I do now. This isn't a false promise whatsoever. I'm just an idiot and never understood what I was doing. Needless to say, I think you'll see things change around here, starting with me. Otherwise I'll lose her, and that would crush me and it would crush her more. I can't wait to see her tomorrow morning as she is asleep, but when she awakes I'll tell her again how sorry I am for my behavior. She may or may not believe me but this is a start, and that is all I can do.


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
I didn't know what to do nor how to handle it, but I do now.

Great, tell us. Because a couple of posts back you were admitting that you didn't know how. So, now that you've had this discovery, share it with us.

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This isn't a false promise whatsoever.

You should practice letting everybody else make up their own minds about that. If you are having to tell people this, it shows that there is little evidence to believe it, and you are hoping to prove it by merely saying it.

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Needless to say, I think you'll see things change around here, starting with me.

You have said this before.

Why should we believe that you will not fall back to demands, disrespect, and anger the next time your emotional needs are not being met? You are saying exactly what you said the last time.

You are saying that you have changed.

The evidence shows that a few weeks ago, you were the kind of person who gets frustrated every 2-3 days and subjects his wife to demands, disrespect, and anger -- and that YOU ARE STILL THIS MAN.

How strongly motivated are you to change this? In 2-3 days, will we be having this same conversation again, with you saying you really get it this time, right after another string of demands, disrespect, and anger from you?

Your account in your wife's love bank cannot take that. It is already in the red. Despite your protests that last weekend was so wonderful, it was horrible for Grace. This means that your account balance is lower now than it was before the weekend. The reason is your love busters. No matter what you are doing to make deposits, the debits from your love busters are growing LARGER. She is doing well and making you feel WONDERFUL. She made you feel like this weekend was wonderful. That means she is doing something RIGHT. As a matter of fact, she was very responsive to what Prisca and others have been writing to her on her thread about ending her own love busters, and about saying "Sorry" to you when she makes a mistake, which is something you indicated was a problem. She is changing for you.

I ask again, how motivated are you to do something about this?

Last edited by markos; 05/10/11 07:55 AM.

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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
I didn't know what to do nor how to handle it, but I do now.

Great, tell us. Because a couple of posts back you were admitting that you didn't know how. So, now that you've had this discovery, share it with us.

Quote
This isn't a false promise whatsoever.

You should practice letting everybody else make up their own minds about that. If you are having to tell people this, it shows that there is little evidence to believe it, and you are hoping to prove it by merely saying it.

Quote
Needless to say, I think you'll see things change around here, starting with me.

You have said this before.

Why should we believe that you will not fall back to demands, disrespect, and anger the next time your emotional needs are not being met? You are saying exactly what you said the last time.

You are saying that you have changed.

The evidence shows that a few weeks ago, you were the kind of person who gets frustrated every 2-3 days and subjects his wife to demands, disrespect, and anger -- and that YOU ARE STILL THIS MAN.

How strongly motivated are you to change this? In 2-3 days, will we be having this same conversation again, with you saying you really get it this time, right after another string of demands, disrespect, and anger from you?

Your account in your wife's love bank cannot take that. It is already in the red. Despite your protests that last weekend was so wonderful, it was horrible for Grace. This means that your account balance is lower now than it was before the weekend. The reason is your love busters. No matter what you are doing to make deposits, the debits from your love busters are growing LARGER. She is doing well and making you feel WONDERFUL. She made you feel like this weekend was wonderful. That means she is doing something RIGHT. As a matter of fact, she was very responsive to what Prisca and others have been writing to her on her thread about ending her own love busters, and about saying "Sorry" to you when she makes a mistake, which is something you indicated was a problem. She is changing for you.

I ask again, how motivated are you to do something about this?

I'm not frustrated, in fact I feel fantastic about it all and highly motivated. I understand you have no reason to believe change has arrived just like my wife has no reason to believe. You keep asking the question and I continue to answer which is all I can do on my end. I'll let my wife's feedback answer these questions rather than making grandiose statements like I have above, fair? When did I say last weekend was great? I said specifically it was horrible for my wife and that I was a jerk. We had a few good times, but it was mostly bad. The realization I had was great, is that what you meant?


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Hilltopper,

I haven't seen a response to these questions:

1. Romance is not a true emotional need so I will interpret this to be "Affection". What specifically has she said is the affection she was to receive? Is this impromptu kisses, flowers on Friday, a weekly date night without kids? I know she wants you to show "effort" but that isn't clear enough. Effort doing what exactly? I'm still concerned you're not doing the right thing since you state your efforts have not been received well.

2. What is "thoughtful"? Making dinner when she's exhausted without her having to ask? Running an errand or two on your way home from work? Again, if she hasn't specified, she needs to.



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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
I'm not frustrated, in fact I feel fantastic about it all and highly motivated. I understand you have no reason to believe change has arrived just like my wife has no reason to believe. You keep asking the question and I continue to answer which is all I can do on my end. I'll let my wife's feedback answer these questions rather than making grandiose statements like I have above, fair?

Hilltopper -

I think the bigger question is, regardless of how motivated you are feeling today, what exactly are you going to be doing to protect your wife from DJ's and AO's? You have a tendency to speak in broad terms. We need to hear specifics. Heck, you're wife needs you to know the specifics.


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Despite your grand realization, you still have a problem. The cheery attitude you are projecting indicates that you are not taking this problem seriously. It looks for all the world like you want us to quit talking about that problem ASAP.

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You keep asking the question and I continue to answer which is all I can do on my end

Wrong, my friend. If you think all you can do is TALK, you are missing the real work which is to be done.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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The realization you had was bought at the expense of your wife's feelings. Is that really anything to celebrate?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Get your copy of Love Busters and reread chapter two, today, highlighter in hand.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
I didn't know what to do nor how to handle it, but I do now. This isn't a false promise whatsoever. I'm just an idiot and never understood what I was doing.


So present your detailed plan, and let's critique it. How are you planning on protecting your wife?



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Originally Posted by markos
Despite your grand realization, you still have a problem. The cheery attitude you are projecting indicates that you are not taking this problem seriously. It looks for all the world like you want us to quit talking about that problem ASAP.

Quote
You keep asking the question and I continue to answer which is all I can do on my end

Wrong, my friend. If you think all you can do is TALK, you are missing the real work which is to be done.

Yes I still do have a problem. How does my cheery attitude indicate me not being serious? I can understand you looking at past performance and judging me based on this which is fine. I'm ok talking about this all day with you Markos, but I'm not doing a good job of giving you the answer that satisfies you, thus our back and forth. I'm excited and I'm taking this extremely serious, that is how I feel, and it would be great if maybe you could encourage me maybe so we can utilize it?


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Originally Posted by markos
The realization you had was bought at the expense of your wife's feelings. Is that really anything to celebrate?

Are you looking for more pious communication from me? Should I cease expressing any encouraging signs that I'm learning and improving?

Sorry for the questions, I'm just not understanding what you are intending to happen by asking the question above.


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Originally Posted by markos
Get your copy of Love Busters and reread chapter two, today, highlighter in hand.

See this makes sense to me, I can do that!


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted by markos
Despite your grand realization, you still have a problem. The cheery attitude you are projecting indicates that you are not taking this problem seriously. It looks for all the world like you want us to quit talking about that problem ASAP.

Quote
You keep asking the question and I continue to answer which is all I can do on my end

Wrong, my friend. If you think all you can do is TALK, you are missing the real work which is to be done.

Yes I still do have a problem. How does my cheery attitude indicate me not being serious?

Because your wife is injured every time you engage in demands, disrespect, and anger. When you have a victim, a cheery attitude is not appropriate.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted by markos
The realization you had was bought at the expense of your wife's feelings. Is that really anything to celebrate?

Are you looking for more pious communication from me? Should I cease expressing any encouraging signs that I'm learning and improving?

Should I cease telling you if I think that the encouraging signs you are sharing really aren't all that encouraging?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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