Originally Posted By: Prisca
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
I requested before some help in formulating the plan with you. I know in my head what I need to do to avoid LBing my wife and protecting her. That to me is making sure I do two things:

1. Asking rather than assuming at all times.
2. Avoiding fights at all costs.

I honestly don't know how to write out a detailed plan but I'm sure you can provide some examples or suggestions for me? I WANT help and I desperately need help.


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You need to identify what triggers you. From the outside looking in, it looks like you fly off the handle with DJs when your wife doesn't meet your demands. And yes, demanding that she meet your EN and refusing to allow her to say "no" is STILL a demand and abusive.
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Yes this is correct. I also assume things which causes me to feel wronged and make demands when I have no reason to do so.

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Why do you Demand that she meet your EN when she doesn't feel like it? Is it your right to have your needs met? Do you deserve to have your EN met at her expense?
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I make demands instinctively because I think I might get my needs met when in reality I am causing the opposite to happen. I have no right to have my needs met, haven't earned that yet. I want to agree when the time comes on everything with my wife, including but not limited to how and when my needs are met. Again, I'm not worried about this at the present time.

You are also big on making assumptions, which you have already identified.

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Not too long ago, I was the DJ Queen. I believe I have successfully eliminated them, and I can tell you what I did. Dr. Harley has forms for this, as well, and I suggest you fill them out. Your plan needs to be tailored to you, and it needs to be approved by your wife. Your plan also has a deadline, a time frame that your wife agrees on. If you do not successfully eliminate the DJs by the deadline, you need to both agree what you will do to get outside help -- I suggest you contact the Harleys at that point.
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May I ask what a deadline range might look like? I don't want to make it unrealistic, but I also don't want to make it too long.

Here's what I did:
1. Shut up
2. Eliminate anything that causes me to dwell on Markos' mistakes and that would reinforce DJs in my mind (journaling, venting)
3. Empathize with Markos

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The first step is SHUT UP. When you find yourself irritated with your wife, when you start thinking that she SHOULD do this or SHOULD do that, when she's not doing what you want, when she's expressing an opinion you don't agree with and never would, then SHUT UP. Don't say anything. Just listen.
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Haven't had a chance to test this yet as I haven't been irritated about anything. A lot of this has to do with how I view things differently.

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You also need to eliminate ANYTHING that causes you to dwell on your wife's mistakes. Do you journal? Cut it out. Do you vent? Cut it out. Do you keep score? Cut it out. Anything that lets you focus on her mistakes rather than on the progress she is making.
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No journaling, venting, or score keeping. She can do whatever she wants, I'm really trying to eliminate doing the same things that got me in to trouble before.

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Then, empathize with your wife. Does she have a right to feel the way she feels? Is the way she feels valid (the answer is always YES, btw). Is the way she sees things equal to your view? (YES). Why is she feeling the way she feels? You need to work on seeing things from her point of view, and accepting that her point of view is just as valid as yours. Do not make assumptions. Do not demand that she just do what you want. UNDERSTAND her.
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Did that this morning actually. She said she felt overwhelmed about the house. I didn't try to "fix the problem" like I usually do to eliminate her feeling overwhelmed. She doesn't like that. I merely told her that "I get it."


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD