Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
Wife and I just got into it a bit. Not a huge fight but it was very difficult. She insulted me repeatedly, told me my complaint was invalid, etc. It stems around me saying "no" to her. I was doing something important to me(posting on this forum), she felt what she needed to do trumped my activity, so she dropped baby in my lap while asking me if I wanted to watch her. I told her that her request for me to watch the baby didn't seem like a request at all since the baby was on my lap before you finished the question. She got angry about me telling her no, snatched the baby out of my arms, and said "fine I'll just hold her then." Almost like an adult tantrum kind of a thing. I asked for clarification about it and she began to insult me again. I said, "you're insulting me please stop" to which she replied, "no I'm not."

The reason I bring this up is not to figure out what to do tonight, we'll be fine, just need to cool off a bit. What my concern is that I'm not in touch with my Taker? I'm really not sure, but it revolves around me not telling my wife "no" enough. I walk around saying, "sure" or "ok" all day and at some point I've had enough of it. My wife knows that it bothers me that she asks me to do so many things for her. To her credit she has gotten better, but today was an all out "askathon" and I often times feel taken advantage of when this occurs. The requests I suppose are SD's? I mean they are not rude, there are just so many of them. Today I honestly feel like I've maxed out my ability to handle any more, "can you's".

Anyway, she went upstairs to shower, insulted me one more time on the way up, then told me she wasn't gonna fight with me? I'm sure everything will be fine, I'm just kind of disappointed.


That's a lot of issues here, Hilltopper.

First, a reminder not to try to tell each other about disrespectful judgments (such as insults) on the fly. Typically most couples can't negotiate this on the fly, at least according to our coach from Dr. Harley. Are you guys using the DJ forms? Prisca tells me she's asked this a number of times and never received an answer.

Second, saying that your wife is having an adult tantrum is a disrespectful judgment. I know you qualified it by saying "almost," but the fact is it doesn't make a difference to your wife's Love Bank.

Third, remember the Policy of Joint Agreement. Obviously your wife didn't want you posting on the board at that point in time. So when that happens, put what you're doing aside and negotiate until you come to an arrangement you are both enthusiastic about. Obviously that's going to be difficult due to the continued presence of disrespectful judgments on both your parts, but at the very least since you can detect that she's not enthusiastic about you posting, stop at that point.

Finally, I don't think you have a problem being in touch with your Taker at all. I think you're just still involved in some disrespectful judgments (and so is she) and the level of care you're providing for each other is not yet enough to fill the love bank accounts, especially with the continued presence of disrespectful judgments. The solution is to end the love busters and tighten up your performance to fill your account in her love bank faster ... she will respond, I promise.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.