Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted by emilyann

Please don't take this as a 2x4, I know you don't like those, just thought maybe a mom's point of view might be helpful. Markos and KT are giving you great info. And maybe you had already been caring for all 3 children for 12 hours straight when above incident happened. I realize I don't know all the details.

Do you guys have any sort of agreement on child care responsibilities? I am assuming (correct me if I am wrong) you have a job ~ 40 hours/week and Grace is a SAHM. Is she considered responsible for the kids 24/7 unless you agree to take a shift (eg- she is out for a run) or do you split the responsibility for the time you are not at work?

I think it is hard to understand how overwhelming the 24/7 nature of child care responsibility can be, and I think telling her "no" about caring for your own child could really undermine what you are hoping to accomplish-- a wife madly in love with you who is responsive to your overtures for SF.

Perhaps the division of child care responsibilities on the weekend would be topic of POJA, but might be too complex for one of the initial tries?


We split the duties when I'm not working, in fact I tend to watch them more when she has things to do. I'm likely different from a lot of Dads, I'm very hands on and spend a lot of time with them cause I enjoy it. Part of what I brought up before that I got 2x4'd on was that she says she has "so much to do." Much of what she has to do is not things like laundry, it is more "projects" which is her term not mine. These "projects" are important to her, I get that, but it takes a toll on the marriage because she has so many things on her plate. In fact these "projects" get her stressed out. She enjoys gardening and that is fine. But describing taking out one plant and putting in another as a "chore" I just don't think is an honest statement. It is her hobby, not a chore. Her hobby is spent without me, while I'm taking care of the kids. I know this must be a DJ, but I don't know how else to describe it. We've had this discussion in the past, but I NEVER bring it up now as it counter-productive.

The last sentence in this may be the most constructive string of words in your post.

The rest, Hill, is a nice, long string of disrespectful judgements.

I used to do a lot of that, too. DJ/DH are probably my two biggest LBs.

The only thing you can examine here, is if these "projects" fall in to AH or IB, because if they do, then they need to be addressed.

I agree they are a strong of DJs. I struggle then with meeting her needs vs my own happiness. On the one hand, watching the kids so she can pursue her interests makes her happy. If I'm the one making it possible for her to be happy, I would think that would be a LB deposit. On the other hand though, I feel like a "paycheck" and a "babysitter" on the weekends especially. We are not yet to a point of compromise or negotiation. We are just trying to meet needs and avoid LBs. In fact I'm down right terrified to try and negotiate with my wife. I feel like I have no power in this relationship, I do whatever she wants.

We filled out our ENQ and read them to each other. It was nice and enlightening. I learned some things and so did she. I'm not so sure how to implement those needs however. I'm doing my best to meet hers, I guess I can't do anything that will cause her to meet mine. Affection is gone although she did approach and kiss me this morning which was surprising and nice so hopefully that is a sign.

Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD