Originally Posted By: HoldHerHand
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
Yes it was helpful to find out some of the feelings I have because "playing in the game" I'm not always sure what they are if that makes sense. I know I feel bad, but I can't always tell why. Its like a big confusing haze that is hard to navigate.

No we were not using the workbooks to track LBs.

I wouldn't call it "wallowing in the past", I am making an honest effort to try and comprehend what the hell is going on in an effort to express myself which is the first problem. I tend not to. I bottle up. After 38 years of bottling up, it is hard to just change the next day you know? Many of my efforts of expressing myself are misguided or full of "guesses" as to how something makes me feel. When it comes to asking for EN's to be met, I just don't know how to handle the rejection, so I typically get upset and don't ask again. I told my wife I might want to meet with a therapist or SH to help me express myself better and not take rejection so hard.

Hill, YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS. It is more common than you realize, and more common that most people want to admit.

I especially emphasized in red.

Let me tell you what drew me to MB (primarily through Dr. Harley's articles); I found things on the page that resonated exactly with what I was feeling, but had no words for.

I don't give a flying hoot what anybody says, it's OK.

But, you fouled up - big time - with this article and how you handled it.

It was a gamble even introducing MB to your W. Luckily, that gamble paid.

This last gamble did NOT.

When you find something like this, and shell it out, you are basically throwing raw emotion at your W. She has agreed to, and is working on, viewing things through an MB lens. Whatever you do from here out needs to be filtered through that lens so that the two of you are speaking a common language.

The next time you hang yourself up on something like this, STOP. Print it out. Read, and reread it. Highlight and note.

THEN; get out your MB materials, and work on translating what you are getting out of that as to how it fits with THIS LANGUAGE.

If it does NOT fit in this language, DISCARD IT. PERIOD.

Once you have translated your feeling into MB language, use the framework provided by Markos.

Thanks for this. I consciously knew that my bringing up this article would cause their to be problems. I held on to it for a long time actually. Despite my mistake, I feel a sense of clarity actually, and I'm working on quite a few things that appear to be helping. One is taking a step back when I'm feeling something but yet don't know what it is. I can spot a DJ from my wife if it is obviously, but when you start adding in context, facial expressions, etc, things can quickly get confusing. So for now the best approach is to say nothing, analyze, then act accordingly with MB principles. This would be jotting a note down in my Iphone.

One of the other things is trying to understand what my wife is saying when she makes a comment. She can be a bit "abrasive" to say the least. Sometimes her comment is an honest attempt at asking a question, but sounds like a DJ, and it is hard for me to tell the difference. I grew up in a very respectful household, so anything that sounds abrasive or disrespectful I tend to take that way. Sometimes nothing was meant by it and I'm learning how to ask my wife if I'm not very sure rather than clamming up and feeling offended. I have to say that this disconnect between my wife and I has created problems our entire marriage, yet it isn't really anyone's fault, its just how we are. When you put together two people, one of which is a tad abrasive with her verbage, and one who is very sensitive to abrasive language, it is not a good mix. Let me say one more time that I do not use the word "abrasive" in a negative way to describe my wife's comments at times so if there is a better word you can think of I'd be happy to use that instead.

Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD