That sucks.

The kids, the house, and the gym are all love bank deposit opportunities for you. Is she open to doing things with you and the kids? Does she want you to plan family activities?

What obstacles are there at the moment to you changing your schedule to go to the gym with her?

The house -- what does she need done on the house? Is it consuming her, bugging her, in the way, she's thinking about that instead of about you and the marriage? How much of it can you handle?


This also sucks. It's a big emotional minefield, and it's not going to be easy to navigate, and even though she absolutely should not do this, you're not going to be able to stop her or persuade her to stop.

So ...

When she does this, if at all possible, begin your answer with "You're right." Tell her she's right, tell her why she's right, and then gently take the conversation back toward the future.

"You are right, Honey. I did promise to you that I was going to clean that room, and I haven't done it. I was supposed to take care of the garage for you Saturday, but would you rather I take care of this room?"

"You're right, Honey. I was very angry and disrespectful to you that day. What do you need from me to recover and to show you that it will not happen again?"

There's a lot in older threads in the SAA forum on how a wayward spouse (particularly a WH) can lovingly handle situations where the betrayed spouse does not follow the "do not dwell on mistakes of the past" rule. You and I are not wayward, but I have found the suggestions helpful.

Remember that when something upsets your wife, like a memory of the past, she has much less capacity to just "block it out" than you do, by virtue of the fact that her brain is wired differently. This is the same reason why women, even women in love, can typically list many annoying habits on the part of their husbands, but the husbands will typically see very few in their wives.