Markos has made the point that the son has the right not to continue a relationship with his father.

Absolutely true.

From where I sit, I'm not so sure that is what the son really wants, though. I think the email from the son was sent and worded the way it was for a couple of reasons.

It "feels" like an ultimatum, and comes off as a "threat". I believe that the son has set the terms up in the way he has because he expects a backlash from his father for making this request in the first place.

So, he worded the email in extremely strong terms. He set up the most extreme boundary possible, and made the wording as final and non-negotiable as possible. This sets the table with the father, so there is no question regarding the son's position.

It has nothing to do with the son being a brat.
It has nothing to do with the son "wanting" or "not wanting" to continue a relationship with his father.

Actually, the son likely DOES want to continue a relationship with his father. The situation and position the son is in right now, however, is such that the son finds he does not know all of the facts about what has happened. He does not have enough data to make an informed decision, and he doesn't completely know what it is he wants to do. Additionally, he knows that he should stand on his mother's side, and he needs to not rely upon the sparse and likely unreliable information he has received from the sister.

He also knows he cannot present a weak front to the father - and further - he does not want to. He knows that he is now the person in the family who must stand for the right thing, and he has obviously taken this responsibility very seriously. So he has put the wall up, given some thought to what the next move should be, and that move includes a forced distance, a demand for clear information, and the issuance of boundaries for the relationship and "possible next consequences" if the demand for information is not met.

I personally do not see why anyone would not provide this young man with the truth of his life. He is standing up for what he feels is right, just, and also trying to make informed decisions based on FACTS and not EMOTIONS, and not on GOSSIP.

He is trying not to overreact. He wants CLARITY before he decides.

He is trying to control his own life. What else would any ADULT be expected to do?

I would hope that my children would enforce their boundaries this clearly, this strongly, and this logically in the face of this kind of devastation in their lives.

This kid should run for office. IMHO.


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.