Lowering expectations isn't going to work, ever.

Welcome to MB. Here is a newsletter about what to do when a spouse refuses to meet your needs: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2264789#Post2264789

There are two more parts, in the Newsletter forum.

The three little ones are a great incentive to keep working on things instead of calling it quits right away. There are lots of stories on here about reluctant spouses who eventually got on board and realized that marriage actually requires care and feeding, so don't lose hope just yet. My experience wants to warn you that things will get tougher before they improve.

Your fastest horse will probably be phone coaching with Steve, but I ask: has your wife read the basic concepts here? Have you? I would start there, and try filling out the emotional needs and love buster questionnaires and sharing them, if she is willing. Don't force them on her.

The four INTIMATE needs are affection, conversation, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment. If she has other things as her top needs, she is likely in withdrawal, and many spouses can be drawn out of that.

Into conflict. Hang on!