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BH - I'm pretty sure I have before but it begins in 11/07. I'm reading SMB's now.
Not in Plan B

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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
BH - I'm pretty sure I have before but it begins in 11/07. I'm reading SMB's now.
Not in Plan B
Did you read this one? HerPapaBear's Thread


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I have been reading this recovery thread, sounds like you have another one in SAA but I can't find it?

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unwritten, it got lost frown

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I realize now that I need to focus on my own personal recovery before I move onto any kind of marriage recovery. I need to focus on dealing with the anger, the depression, and my feelings of low self-worth that are a result of my WH's affair.
Right now I have to heal, or I can't move on. I have been trying to do both and it doesn't work.
I will be lurking, but I won't be posting for awhile until I get these feelings sorted out.

<3 RQ

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HUGS to you RQ. Keep posting, it can only help you to have people to vent to who have been there.

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RQ hug

You do know kiss's affair was because of his poor boundaries, correct?

I'm all for self improving but worried you're blaming yourself.

MB can help you heal yourself, my friend. Stay around.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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RQ - I think we are in similar places in a way.

As I learned, the very best way to get your feelings sorted out is Plan B.

I know you did not have a good experience with yours, but it was only because it was never truly implemented.

I am going in for my second round, and even having the best experience on first round (truly gave me back my sanity, self-confidence, peace), I also had excuses before moving forward this second time.

It can only be BS fog.

Please consider entering a good, dark, safe Plan B.

It is not about giving your M another chance. It is about being in the best place to see through BS and WH fogs, and then being able to make clear decisions.


BS (me) 46
STBX WH 53
Married 2000
DS, 11; DS, 10
1st A: LT D-Day - 02/14/06
2nd A: D-Day - 12/21/11
Plan B since 1/17/12
Divorcing
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Hi everyone. Still working on my personal healing. I realized that some may read this thread and wonder about the before so I thought I would fill in the blanks from before my WH and I began recovery.

It pretty much started October 25th, 2011 (at least thats what I think). My WH was upposed to meet me at my parents house for a birthday party but after not showing up for awhile, I texted him and found out he was hanging out at a local bar...by himself. He gave no expalnation for it (I later learned that he was on the phone with skank for an hour while there, their first "meaningful" converstaion).

For the next 3 weeks I got the cold shoulder from him, working late, sleeping on the couch, wouldn't kiss me, wouldn't say I<3U. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and asked him what I did that was so terrible to be treated like that. He told me that we were miserable, that the marriage wasn't working, no- counseling wouldn't help and that he wanted to split up. I was devastated and surprised to hear that I was miserable. Two nights that week he didn't even come home. Finally, on the 14th of November, he agreed to counseling and to give me another chance to be a better wife to him. The next day, feeling suspicious by his strange behavior, I checked the cell phone bill and found out about OW (AKA skank).

More to come...

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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
Hi everyone. Still working on my personal healing. I realized that some may read this thread and wonder about the before so I thought I would fill in the blanks from before my WH and I began recovery.

It pretty much started October 25th, 2011 (at least thats what I think). My WH was upposed to meet me at my parents house for a birthday party but after not showing up for awhile, I texted him and found out he was hanging out at a local bar...by himself. He gave no expalnation for it (I later learned that he was on the phone with skank for an hour while there, their first "meaningful" converstaion).

For the next 3 weeks I got the cold shoulder from him, working late, sleeping on the couch, wouldn't kiss me, wouldn't say I<3U. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and asked him what I did that was so terrible to be treated like that. He told me that we were miserable, that the marriage wasn't working, no- counseling wouldn't help and that he wanted to split up. I was devastated and surprised to hear that I was miserable. Two nights that week he didn't even come home. Finally, on the 14th of November, he agreed to counseling and to give me another chance to be a better wife to him. The next day, feeling suspicious by his strange behavior, I checked the cell phone bill and found out about OW (AKA skank).

More to come...


You see it now it was because he was in an affair in the deep fog, correct?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Oh yes, BH, I know. And he has admitted as much and released me from any blame. But this is how it was in the beginning. I truly thought that I was a bad wife and had to change to convince him to stay. Of course I realize now that while I wasn't a great wife and did need to change my habits (meeting his EN's), that wasn't the reason for his affair. Especially since I plan A'd him like nobodies business and that didn't keep him home.

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I called the number on the bill (which showed numerous calls that lasted a long time and numerous texts at all hours of the day and night) and a girl answered. I hung up on her and the rest is kind of a blur. I remember texting my WH and asking "WHO IS SHE??" (stupid I know in doing so and the delivery) and got the "nobody, just a friend I talk to". I knew it was more but he denied, denied , and denied and weeks went by when she was "just a friend". I knew she was a co-worker but he refused to give me her name, let me talk to her, or anything. I believed him. But I told him that it was inappropriate for him to speak to her and that I didn't like it and that I didn't want him doing it anymore. He thought it was "no big deal". And even though the calls and texts lessened, they never stopped and it would kill me when he would leave for work everyday because I knew he would be spending the next 11 hours working side by side with the skank.

It was at this time that I started to snoop and found out the truth

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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
I knew it was more but he denied, denied , and denied and weeks went by when she was "just a friend". I knew she was a co-worker but he refused to give me her name, let me talk to her, or anything. I believed him.

mr eek I am challenging you to look at what you wrote with fresh eyes.

"I knew it was more" <~~~ OK. But what you actually are saying is that you suspected there was more. Your gut feeling was telling you there was more going on. Yet, you had no proof. Right?

"He denied, denied, and denied" <~~~ OK. What is significant in this? You wrote it 3 times. Denials that are repeated over and over do not prove anything at all. Most 'guilty' criminals will plea "not guilty" in court. Denials are not proof. Repetative denials are not only not proof, but are actually suspicious ! skeptical

"He refused to give me her name, let me talk to her, or anything" <~~~ OK. He denied wrongdoing (denied, denied, denied) but refused to cough up facts to prove his innocence.

THEN YOU WROTE crazy
"I believed him." <~~~ Based on what? He did not offer proof of his innocence. He did not demonstrate significant care for your feelings.

In my opinion, your lesson to be learned here is to assume WH knows how to play you like a maestro plays a Stradivarius.

Stand your ground.
You require proof, not promises.



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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
I truly thought that I was a bad wife and had to change to convince him to stay. Of course I realize now that while I wasn't a great wife and did need to change my habits (meeting his EN's), that wasn't the reason for his affair.

Here's another one of my hunches.
Failure to meet some of WH's ENs (prior to D-day) may not be as significant as you think. I suspect you were pretty average as far as ENs goes.
Always room for improvement in every marriage.

I suggest you look towards examining love-busters instead.

So many times, both the faithful spouse and the unfaithful spouse jabber on & on about "failure to meet ENs" .... and completely forget about the love-bank withdrawals, love-busters.

I can be a *star* EN-filling wife one day. But it all will be for naught if I also am a love-buster by habit. It took me a long time to identify myself this way. I want to pass along what I discovered.

The love bank can take loads of EN deposits .... but you won't make anyone happy until the hole in the bottom of the bank (love-busters) is repaired.

Food for thought?


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hi RQ. i lost your thread! glad to have found it here on the recovery board.

where are you today? how are you?


fBW 49
xWH 55
DD 22
DDay 6/07
D 8/15
Letting Go
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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Here's another one of my hunches.
Failure to meet some of WH's ENs (prior to D-day) may not be as significant as you think. I suspect you were pretty average as far as ENs goes.
Always room for improvement in every marriage.

I suggest you look towards examining love-busters instead.

So many times, both the faithful spouse and the unfaithful spouse jabber on & on about "failure to meet ENs" .... and completely forget about the love-bank withdrawals, love-busters.

I can be a *star* EN-filling wife one day. But it all will be for naught if I also am a love-buster by habit. It took me a long time to identify myself this way. I want to pass along what I discovered.

The love bank can take loads of EN deposits .... but you won't make anyone happy until the hole in the bottom of the bank (love-busters) is repaired.

Food for thought?

You are absolutely right. Him lovebusting me would make me do the same to him and round and round we go. One thing I have learned is to speak my mind. Whenever I was upset about something I would hold it in until it was a humongous weight that exploded from me. Not pretty! I am actually reading "Lovebusters" now.

Letty - I'm hanging in there. Kiss and I have not been working on recovery very well and I had a talk with him last night. Again, it came to me verbalizing my needs to him rather than what I have been doing...withdrawing and expecting him to know what I need. I think he responded well but we'll see. I need actions from him, not "I'm gonna..."

Last edited by Rocketqueen; 06/02/12 08:57 PM.
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So I started to snoop and found out skank's name. It wasn't easy as most of their communication outside of work was by text and he had his phone constantly by his side. In bed with him, in the bathroom with him, etc. And when I confronted him with her name after an argument, he said it was wrong (it wasn't). We started going to MC together but as he still denied a relationship with this girl and that was the only thing on my mind, we stopped going.

I did plan A him but we were constantly fighting about his "friend". I would demand the truth and he would get mad at me for asking and would not come home at night or sleep on the couch. He would avoid me and the kids like we had a contagious disease. I felt heartbroken for my kids. They would ask "where's daddy" and I had to say "I don't know". The tension at home was unbearable when he was there, but it was somber when he wasn't. I was preparing for Plan B but still needed that one piece of proof that told me that my gut was right. That I wasn't over-reacting and making up something that was not true.

Finally, on January 18th, I had my proof and it shattered my hurting heart into a hundred pieces.

Last edited by Rocketqueen; 06/02/12 08:55 PM.
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I was hoping to write more today but it had quite an affect on me yesterday and I was a mess last night. Will write more when I can.


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RQ thinking about you, how are you doing?

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Unwritten, I'm doing OK. I was just reading through your thread the other day. I'm feeling much as you are it sounds like. NG is a shark, isn't he? And I mean that in a good way.
WH believes that we should be focusing on the present and the future and not living in the past. I think he has a point in that I need to concentrate on what he is doing NOW and what our future looks like. That sounds great and I wish I could do that. But my mind and my heart won't let me just yet. The hurt is always there and the memories of that awful time are always on my mind.

Question for anyone, do you find yourself triggered by things you read on the SAA forum? Kiss thinks that it doesn't help me to read those posts and keeps me in the past. Does anyone avoid the SAA forum because of the triggers? Just curious. I agree to a point with him, but it's not like the A isn't on my mind most of the time anyway, KWIM?

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