Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
Originally Posted by Qwer
When should I start seeing a lawyer? ASAP or when she leaves.

Talk to a lawyer about your rights over your DD and custody now. Also find out how to protect your finances in the event of a separation. Educate yourself about this now in case you need it.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by Qwer
I am confused here. I thought by leaving I would be in Plan B.
I don't think you're ready for Plan B, friend. MOVE BACK INTO YOUR HOME. Just go through the front door, pick your baby girl up and give her a kiss, and sing out to your WW "Hi, I'm home!" She'll be livid. Stay calm and don't let her get you riled up. Let her know that you are home and don't plan to leave.

You are now in Plan A. Be at your best. Let her know that she can't continue to live in your home with your daughter while she conducts her nasty affair. Tell her she needs to end that nastiness.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by Qwer
She won't be able to move affair back home. My parents stays with us. I can no longer do Plan A cos she already told me she's leaving.
You can do Plan A while she's there. Do you understand what Plan A is?

Have you told her that, while you can't physically restrain her from leaving, your daughter will not be going with her if she wants to run off to OM?

This is very important, Q. You absolutely cannot let your little girl be in the company of some man who has no qualms about destroying a marriage. You don't know this guy. He could be more interested in your daughter than he is in your wife. puke Sad, but true. Please protect your daughter.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Quote
She does not have anywhere else to go when I tried to throw her out.
That tells me that OM is married or living with his parents. Otherwise, she would have moved out and run straight to him.

THINK. Who does she work with? Have you checked her Facebook?

This guy sounds married.

Don't you dare move out of your home. Tell her that she needs to leave if she is unwilling to end the affair - and your daughter stays with you.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by Qwer
She's not fighting. She keeps crying while talking to me. Which I assume is because she is torn inside as well. But at the same time she is adamant that she has chosen OM and will leave at the end of the month after sorting out her work. She says she's resigning from her work and moving back to her hometown.
Did you tell her that your daughter is not going with her?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Quote
She is not planning to bring my daughter away. She recognizes that my daughter will be better cared for at my home.

No she has not filed anything legal yet. She has no knowledge of how to go about it. So if she really leaves, shall I file anything? Or wait for her to figure out.
I would suggest that you file for separation the second she leaves. Get a good lawyer and let her see some of the reality of what she is doing.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
Q
Qwer Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Q
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
I figure that I probably have until the end of the month before she leaves.

What should I be doing in Plan A? How should I behave? What should I do or say?

Please help me. I want to leave a good impression that I am superior in every aspect such that she will finally realize what she will be missing!


Me: 32 BH
Her: 29 WW
DD 3
D Day: 20/05/2012
Going through recovery... Hope we can do it..
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by Qwer
I figure that I probably have until the end of the month before she leaves.

What should I be doing in Plan A? How should I behave? What should I do or say?
Please help me. I want to leave a good impression that I am superior in every aspect such that she will finally realize what she will be missing!
You've seen this, correct? Carrot and Stick of Plan A

What are her top ENs?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
Q
Qwer Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Q
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
@maritalbliss

Yes I did tell her that our daughter stays and I'll be taking care of her. She begged me to maintain contact with DD but I said I don't know


Me: 32 BH
Her: 29 WW
DD 3
D Day: 20/05/2012
Going through recovery... Hope we can do it..
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
Q
Qwer Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Q
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
@brainhurts

Yes I've read thru most of the posts and articles. I would put her top ENs as financial and Companionship. We used to talked about everything under the sun and after DD was born we kinda drifted apart due to everyday stresses and we talked lesser and lesser.

She has also started to become more materialistic over the years always looking to spend money on herself to look good.


Me: 32 BH
Her: 29 WW
DD 3
D Day: 20/05/2012
Going through recovery... Hope we can do it..
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
Q
Qwer Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Q
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
Whatever happens, I really want to say a big thank you to all of u out there..

You guys have been the most wonderful bunch, helping me and supporting me. I find it so tough to talk to anyone.

Thank you.


Me: 32 BH
Her: 29 WW
DD 3
D Day: 20/05/2012
Going through recovery... Hope we can do it..
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by Qwer
@brainhurts

Yes I've read thru most of the posts and articles. I would put her top ENs as financial and Companionship. We used to talked about everything under the sun and after DD was born we kinda drifted apart due to everyday stresses and we talked lesser and lesser.

She has also started to become more materialistic over the years always looking to spend money on herself to look good.
So you finance everything?

This will be a huge ace in your pocket if you have to go to Plan B.

You tell her "there will be no contact between you and her if she doesn't end her affair and you go to divorce. Make sure she knows you won't be friends.

RC is one of her top EN? So how can you meet this? Take her out on dates? Woo her like when you were dating?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
Q
Qwer Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Q
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
Yes I finance most of the stuff. She doesn't earn much and do not really contribute to the household expenses.

We did go out on a few dates over the past 2 weeks. In fact we even did an elaborate celebration of our 5th anniversary only for her to tell me now that she wants to chose OM.


Me: 32 BH
Her: 29 WW
DD 3
D Day: 20/05/2012
Going through recovery... Hope we can do it..
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
Hello Qwer,

Welcome to MB. It's gonna get slow here overnight so while you're here you should research or reread the "Basic Concepts" and perhaps look through the "For Newly Betrayed Spouses" thread on the Notable Posts forum.

BTW...Lots of WW's "choose" OM but then change their minds the next day or realize the OM is done with them and after a few days/weeks of withdrawal they don't actually go anywhere (especially if you take away any notion and/or indication you'll help fund such move).

What state are you in?

Mr. Wondering



FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
Q
Qwer Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Q
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
I don't know what state I'm in. All I know is I love her and I do not want to put our DD thru this.

I am in a confused state of mind wavering between giving up and fighting for her. I am tired and battle weary. I am just a total mess and suffering in a great deal of heart pain


Me: 32 BH
Her: 29 WW
DD 3
D Day: 20/05/2012
Going through recovery... Hope we can do it..
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
lol...no, sorry. I meant what State do you reside in. Before you went running around placing listening devices or anything I wanted to make sure you were in a one party eavesdropping state from a legal point of view.

Are you even in the US????

Mr. W


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
Q
Qwer Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Q
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
No brother. I am not in the US. I am from Singapore my wife is from Thailand.


Me: 32 BH
Her: 29 WW
DD 3
D Day: 20/05/2012
Going through recovery... Hope we can do it..
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
wow...that's a long way away. Most here are in the US and it's 3 am EST and I'm going to bed. What time is it there right now?

Also...isn't Singapore a patriarchal society...meaning, generally men get custody of their kids in divorce situations?

Mr. Wondering


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
Q
Qwer Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Q
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 45
It's 3pm here.

The court will decide who can take better care of the child


Me: 32 BH
Her: 29 WW
DD 3
D Day: 20/05/2012
Going through recovery... Hope we can do it..
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
Originally Posted by Qwer
All I know is I love her and I do not want to put our DD thru this.

I am in a confused state of mind wavering between giving up and fighting for her. I am tired and battle weary. I am just a total mess and suffering in a great deal of heart pain

Q. I understand how you feel. Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to just give up...only that will not make you feel any better either. It will leave you with a broken family and the constant nagging fact that you quit without truly fighting.

Here is an excellent post from Pepperband on Plan A:

Originally Posted by Pepperband
The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Even if your WW is ignoring you, you can still do these things. She will try not to see it...but she will.

Find out the identity of OM. WW is communicating with him somehow.

Are WW parents going to talk to WW and tell her to stop ripping her family's life apart? I know if my own daughter was doing this, I would have something to say to her.

Stay strong Q. Cool and calm.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

Page 4 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5