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Ask him about it. Perhaps it was a different random person and he didn't even think about the connection, the person who was wayward doesn't necessarily think of everything in the same way the BS does KWIM. I think it is very important that you bring it up, and I also think his response is important. If he is upset that he unknowingly did something to make you feel uncomfortable you will know, but if he is instead upset about getting caught doing something he shouldn't have you will also know.

Occasionally something comes up where I get a tinge of suspect with H. Not regarding an OW, as much as just a number that I don't know, him talking on his phone and going into another room, etc. Sometimes I do not say something until later, and whenever I do he is adamant that I should immediately question him on things so he can show me who he was talking to or in any other way make me comfortable with it, and that I should never just choose to not say anything to him about it. In other words, he wants the opportunity any time that occurs to make me feel safe. So give Kiss that opportunity.


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And thats great that you have offered to be an IM. I have thought about it, maybe down the road when I am further in R and have absorbed more of the good Dr's principles, seen more IM action online, etc. I have never used an IM/done the Plan B thing so I feel like it is out of my element, but being a fellow BS and MBer I guess that makes me as qualified as your average friend or family member.

Pay it forward like you said.

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Originally Posted by unwritten
, the person who was wayward doesn't necessarily think of everything in the same way the BS does KWIM.

That is what I was thinking. But I also didn't want to ignore it either. If it bothers me, then I should tell him and give him that opportunity. I can't control what he says or does, only how I react to it.

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PS. I have wanted to be an IM but never felt qualified enough. I think we all feel the same way. But experience is a valuable educator! And besides, they have no children so that should be easier for a novice like me smile

Last edited by Rocketqueen; 07/13/12 02:43 PM.
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So, I asked him about the phone call and if you have read his post you know what his answer was. I didn't believe him. But, I knew that I wouldn't.

I agree with those who posted to him. That he should have been forthcoming about the phone call before it was madeand had done it in my presence and at the very least, tell me about it shortly after. To me, this was a break in NC. Even if he did talk to someone else, he could have still received info about skank. Now that he has been schooled by my wise MB friends (thank you!) it hopefully won't happen again.

He still needs to learn about the Rules of care and Protection. And I think he would learn a lot from other threads. But he has come a long way and is trying hard to earn that "F". Who knows, maybe one day he will pay it forward and help other WH's

PS I had asked him to read his thread from beginning to end and tell me what he thought. He read the first post and recognized a lot of things that were foggy. I'm anxious to hear what he has to say about the rest.

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What is it about his response that you did not believe? Do you believe he was actually calling there to speak with the POSOW? (I had to throw that POS in there cuz, ya know.) Or do you think he really was calling for someone else but may have asked about skanky? Did you ask him this, if he got any 'updates' about skanky?

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Originally Posted by unwritten
What is it about his response that you did not believe?


It seemed contrived. But like I said. I have trouble believing anything!
Originally Posted by unwritten
Do you believe he was actually calling there to speak with the POSOW? (I had to throw that POS in there cuz, ya know.)

No, he has told me many times that he will not screw this up. I have to believe him on that. He knows any contact without telling me and he would be OUT

Originally Posted by unwritten
Or do you think he really was calling for someone else but may have asked about skanky?


I believe he did call for someone else

Originally Posted by unwritten
Did you ask him this, if he got any 'updates' about skanky?

I should have asked him if he heard anything about skank. That is what I m worried. Someone passing info along him to him and making him have feelings (feeling sorry) about her.

We are moving on for now. But I'll be on high alert.
Thanks unwritten

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Just got an e-mail from Joyce that my e-mai was on the radio program today. I had asked about kiss not educating himself about MB principles and posting. I'll have a listen in a bit. It sounded like they were confused about my question.

In the meantime, I have noticed that our UA time lately has been lacking.

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Hmmm....maybe the lacking UA time also contributed to your not believing him about the phone call. If your love bank was not high enough it would make sense that his explanation would not be as palatable. Not that you wouldn't have triggered over the call if UA time had been adequate, but it's possible the explanation would have gone over better with you. (Or maybe I'm totally off base and the lack of UA time has been AFTER the phone call incident.)

Will be interesting to hear what the answer was to the radio question.


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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Honestly, I feel our UA has always fallen way short of 20 hours. (Someone broke it down to 5 4-hours dates!) But we are spending a lot more time than we used to. It's hard with his work hours.

The last time we spent alone time together for more than an hour was a week ago when we went to NYC. I need more than that. Especially as I am feeling on the low point of this roller coaster right now.

Last edited by Rocketqueen; 07/18/12 02:09 PM.
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My H created some kind of program to keep track of our UA time, I think he has it on his iphone. So we can easily keep track of our 'plan' vs our 'reality' as it is occurring (and get credit for those 20 mins we happen to steal away on the deck for IC and margaritas, or whatever).

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Ya I'm not sure how one would pull of 5 4 hour dates. First off, I pay our babysitter $6/hr and even though we do quite well, I don't think I could afford that! Although since our babysitter is our daughter and we make her save some for college, it is kindof a win win for us. But I don't think I could coerce her into babysitting that much anyway...

We plan half hour here, 20 mins there, in whatever way we can. That might be, like I said, 20 mins on the deck having a drink when he gets home, or a 30 min walk, or locking ourselves in the bedroom to talk uninterrupted for a few minutes. Etc. Not the best plan, I would LOVE the 5 dates! But it works for us right now. As the kids get older life gets easier that way, I hope.

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unwritten, that is pretty much what we do. A little bit here and a little bit there. One date night a week is what we try to do and we usually can pull it off.

My kids are young too so I'm sure it will get easier as they get older.


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I listened to the show and realized why they were confused. I asked what to do when a WS isn't on board with MB pronciples, and doesn't read the books, articles, forums or knows what the heck PORH is. They read it the other way around. LOL

I emailed Joyce back because she had asked for clarification so we'll see if the topic is re-addressed again.

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Ya thats a rather big difference!

If you are following the discussion on my thread regarding need meeting at all, it ends with me having a bad day.

I thought we were doing really well! Now I feel like we are just doing everything wrong and it will all implode on itself sooner or later.

The whole need meeting/POJA thing is a concept that I clearly do not 'get' yet.

One of those days when I feel like this is too hard. Kinda just want to go do some IB and be alone for awhile. But its date night, so I can't. Probably a good thing.

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I'm on that bend of the roller coaster myself. I did another EN questionnaire and will have kiss do one as well. I've been feeling...ignored. I guess you could say.

I thought you were doing well, too. I'll read the latest on your thread.

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Oh its kinda long. I have that way about me.

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Yes, it definitely grew since I read it last.....oh 6 hours ago! Lol

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Having a rough week. Emotions are all over the place and I bounce from depression to anger. Feel like I am settling when I want more. kiss has noticed i've been off this week and I told himy feelings. It gets worse when he doesn't work on our recovery.

Just want to to say that if I posted on your thread and seemed a bit snippy, I apologize.


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I have like 2 seconds here....busy couple of days for me. But, I just wanted to reassure you, RQ, that it is perfectly normal to have ups and downs during all of this. Just because you're on a downturn this week doesn't mean that recovery is going badly. Stick to the plan and you'll be fine.

Something I had to remind myself of that I try and remind others of as well is that it is still a process that you must go through, not around. The depression and anger is part of that - as is the feeling that you want more. Make sure you are being specific when you tell Kiss what your needs are - and no matter what - don't bring the past into the present. It WILL get better.
The biggest mistake we make at times is expecting the other person to step up their game but not telling them exactly how. We make ourselves crazy if we're just expecting them to jump through hoops without even knowing where there are.

Remember to think very specifically about what needs you are needing met and how Kiss can meet them. Don't fall into the trap of, "if he really loved me, I shouldn't have to tell him to do X, Y, or Z...." It doesn't work that way.



"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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